Old and New Jokes

Sam and Bessie are in their 80s and Sam always wanted an expensive pair of alligator shoes. Seeing them on sale one day, he purchases them and comes home, asking Bessie, So, do you notice anything different about me?

Bessie responds, Whats different? Its the same shirt you wore yesterday and the same pants,

Frustrated, Sam goes into the bathroom, undresses and comes out naked, just wearing the new shoes. Again he asks, So, Bessie, do you notice anything different?

Bessie again responds, Whats different, Sam? Its hanging down today; it was hanging down yesterday and will be hanging down tomorrow,

Angrily Sam yells, Do you know WHY its hanging down? Because its looking at my new shoes! THATs why its hanging down!

Bessie replies, You should have bought a new hat!

There once was a happy little fly buzzing around a barn one day, when she happened upon a large pile of fresh cow manure. Since it had been hours since her last meal and she was feeling hunger pangs, she flew down to the irresistible delicacy and began to munch out. She ate…

And ate…and then…she ate some more! Finally, she decided shed had plenty. She washed her face with her tiny front legs, belched a few times, then attempted to fly away. But alas…she had pigged out far too much and could not get off the ground. She looked around wondering what to do about this unpleasant situation when she spotted a pitchfork leaning upright against the barn wall.

Shed found a solution! She realized if she could just become airborne shed be able to fly again. So, she painstakingly climbed to the top of the handle. Once there, she took a deep breath, spread her tiny fly wings, and leaped confidently into the air. She dropped like a rock and splattered all over the floor… Dead Fly…. The moral of this sad story?

Never fly off the handle when you know youre full of sh*t.

The only time to be positive is when you are positive you are wrong.

yo momma so nasty her crabs uses her tampon string as a bungee cord

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is

good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax – OH MY GOD!



Silence.



Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said, Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of coffee and

spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!



A passenger in Coach said, Thats nothing. He should see the back of mine!

One day a man was planting flowers outside his new house when he found a bottle with a cork in it. He took out the cork and with a poof, a genie came out. I will grant you three wishes but whatever you wish for your ex-wife gets double, said the genie.
Okay. for my first wish I want one million dollars, said the man. And, in a poof of smoke, one million dollars appeared.
Hmm… but now my ex-wife has two million dollars, said the man, But, for my next wish, I want a five-story manson." And, in a poof of smoke his house turns into a five-story manson. But now my ex-wife has a twenty-story manson, said the man.
And now, for your last wish? asked the genie. Hmmm… YES! I have the greatest wish yet. Why didnt think of this earlier?! replied the man. For my last wish, I want you to beat me half to death!!!

A guy is golfing with his pretty wife, who is a very poor golfer. On the first hole she sends the ball smashing through the window of a nearby house.

The couple goes to the house to investigate the damage and finds the door open. They go inside and found a man sitting on a couch next to the broken window. There is also a broken oil-lamp.

The husband asks: Did we break that too?

Yes, replies the man.

Sorry. Do you live here? the husband asks.

No, actually, Im a genie. The man states. I was sleeping in that lamp when your golf ball smashed it. Now, Im supposed to give you three wishes, but Im keeping one for myself since you smashed my lamp. OK, whatll they be?

The husband thinks a moment: First, make my wife a better golfer.

Poof! Shes a better golfer, the genie announces.

Second, I want a million bucks a week for life.

Poof! you get a million bucks a week, the genie announces.

Good. OK, what do you want? asks the husband.

For my wish. I want to have my way with your pretty wife, grins the genie.

Hmmm, the husband hesitated, I guess thats all right. After all, she broke your lamp, youve made us rich, and our golf games will be much more interesting. Go ahead.

So the genie and the wife retire the bedroom. After several steamy hours the genie says to the wife: How long have you known your husband?

Ten years, she replies.

How long has he believed in this genie stuff?

A friend in the US has forwarded me this set of rules of conduct for female teachers in 1915 (school unknown).

You will not marry during the term of your contract.
You are not to keep company with men.
You must be home between the hours of 8 p.m. and 6 a.m. unless attending a school function.
You may not loiter downtown in ice cream stores.
You may not travel beyond the city limits unless you have the permission of the chairman of the board.
You may not ride in a carriage or automobile with any man unless he is your father or brother.
You may not smoke cigarettes.
You may not dress in bright colors.
You may under no circumstances dye your hair.
You must wear at least two petticoats.
Your dresses must not be any shorter than two inches above the ankle.
To keep the school room neat and clean, you must: sweep the floor at least once daily; scrub the floor at least once a week with hot, soapy water; clean the blackboards at least once a day; and start the fire at 7 a.m. so the room will be warm by 8 a.m.

It seems a gentleman had too much alcohol at a party, was heading home, and was pulled over by a state trooper. Upon being tested, the fellow couldnt walk a straight line any more than he could drive one, so the trooper wrote out a ticket and had just given it to the driver before an accident in the opposite lane took his attention to more important matters.

The inebriated driver, figuring that the trooper wasnt coming back to him, drove home and went to bed. he was awakened in the morning by a knock at the door, created by two more state troopers.

Are you Mr. Johnson? the asked? He admitted that he was.

Were you pulled over at Main Street last night for driving under the influence? Again, the man admitted that was he.

And what did you do then, the troopers asked. The man replied that he drove his car home and went to bed.

Where is your car now? the troopers enquired. The man answered that it was in the garage.

May we see the car? asked the troopers. The man answered, Sure, and opened the garage.

Inside the garage was the state troopers car.

A rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up.As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life. Wow, this is great, he thought.

It wasnt long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass.

Hey, he called. Im a rabbit from the laboratory and Ive just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?
Yes. Come and join us, they cried.

Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. I tasted so good. What else do you wild rabbits do? he asked.

Well, one of them said. You see that field there? Its got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them.

This, he couldnt resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful.

Later, he asked them again, What else do you do?

You see that field there? Its got lettuce growing in it. We eat them as well.

The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full. Is there anything else you guys do? he asked.

One of the other rabbits came a bit closer to him and spoke softly.
Theres one other thing you must try. You see those rabbits there, he said, pointing to the far corner of the field. Theyre girls. We shag them. Go and try it.

Well, our friend spent the rest of the morning shagging his little heart out until, completely spent, he staggered back over to the guys.
That was fantastic, he panted.

So are you going to live with us then? one of them asked.
Im sorry, I had a great time but I cant.

The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. Why? We thought you liked it here.

I do, our friend replied. But I must get back to the laboratory. Im dying for a cigarette!