Old and New Jokes

Tis the night before Christmas, I thought with a frown.

I was stuck at the office. The network was down.

The routers were hung in the closet. All crashed.

Their tables had holes in their data. All trashed.

Remote distribution, it seems, just for fun,

Had erased DLLs Windows needed to run

On 84 desktops way down in accounting.

I sat stunned at my desk, my blood pressure mounting.

When all of a sudden there arose such a clatter,

I saw that a server had something the matter.

There was smoke coming out of the main hard disk drive.

No problem, I thought. Im set up with RAID 5.

But I found out the system I thought was unstoppable

Had disk drives that turned out completely unswappable!

No problem, I thought. Ive tape backup to thank.

And then I discovered my backups were blank.

The UPS burped, and its lights all went out.

I started to scream! I started to shout!

But nobody heard as I vented my rage.

My gurus were all on vacation those days.

And nobodys tech support answered the phone.

I was nose deep in trouble, completely alone.

When out at reception, I heard a soft knock.

As the hands just touched midnight on my desktop clock.

Whats your problem? he asked.

Never mind, friend, I know.

I checked out your network five hours ago.

I did some proactive analysis, so

I knew that this time bomb was going to blow.

Who was this guy? Who did he think he was?

He was dressed in red coveralls, white beard, black gloves.

His eyes had the twinkle of technical genius.

His smile cut down personal distance between us.

He spread out his tools, and went straight to his work.

Whoever configured this networks a jerk,

He said with a 🙂 as he quickly rebooted,

Uploaded some software, and smoothly rerouted

The LAN to a WAN that he quickly supplied

With bandwidth at least 20 gigabits wide

That went via wireless, I think, LEO,

To tech support elves waiting at the North Pole.

Now bridging, now routing, now Ethernet hubs!

He chanted as each piece of hardware he rubbed.

Cheer up, my good friend! Lose that mindset so tragic!

Technology often looks just like some magic

To people who dont understand what we do.

Now a switch, emulation, now middleware glue!

Look at the protocols, check one or two,

Debug a bit, test a bit, presto! Were through!

My data was back! Every system checked out!

Tears of joy wet my face as I wandered about.

How can I thank you? You must be Saint Nick!

He said, Really, my friend, its not such a great trick,

If you dont give up hope, focus on what youre doing,

And read all your issues of NETWORK COMPUTING.

And I heard him exclaim, as his reindeer were coursing,

Merry Christmas to all! And consider outsourcing!

There were four 80-year old men playing golf. One complained the hills were to high. The second complained the bunkers were too deep. The third said the holes were too wide. The fourth one said, Shut up! At least were still on the right side of the grass!

Farmer OReilly and Farmer Murphy met in the pub.

What did you give your Bull when it was ill with the colic? asked OReilly.

A good dose of Phenyl said Murphy

A week later they met in the pub again.

What did you say you gave your Bull with the colic? said OReilly

Phenyl said Murphy

Well, I gave phenyl to my Bull and it died! said OReilly.

So did mine said Murphy.

Two lawyers walking through the woods spotted a vicious-looking bear.

The first lawyer immediately opened his briefcase, pulled out a pair of sneakers and started putting them on.

The second lawyer looked at him and said, Are you crazy? Youll never be able to outrun that bear!

I dont have to, the first lawyer replied. I only have to outrun you.

A sergeant-major in the Paras was giving a lecture to some raw recruits.

If you want to be part of this regiment, he shouted at them, then you need to have COMMITMENT! What do you need?

COMMITMENT, sergeant-major! the recruits all shouted back.

Right, I shall now demonstrate my COMMITMENT to this regiment.

The sergeant-major then ordered one of the men to open a nearby door. Almost as soon as the squaddie turned the handle, the door was pushed open and in slithered a ten-foot-long alligator, snarling and snapping. The sergeant-major then undid his belt and dropped his trousers. Almost as soon as he did so, the alligator ran up and sank his teeth right into the sergeant-majors love truncheon. The sergeant-major barely winced. This, he shouted. is what we in the Parachute Regiment call COMMITMENT! He weaited several seconds more to make his point and then swiftly jabbed the alligator in both eyes with his fingers.

The alligator flipped over on his back, jumped up, and ran into the corner of the office, glaring angrily at the sergeant-major.

That, you orrible bunch, is what we in the Paras call COMMITMENT. Now which one of you orrible little men is ready to demonstrate his COMMITMENT?

There was much shuffling of feet and murmuring until finally one young lad stepped forward. I, will sergeant-major, he said but youve got to promise not to poke me in the eyes.

How many Pentium designers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

1.99904274017, but thats close enough for non-technical people.

Mirrors are female because none of their reflections are really their own.

Stamps are female because men like to lick them, stick them, and then send them away.

Windows are male because theyre a pane, and because you can see through them.

Shit is male because the older it gets, the easier it is to pick up.

Little Johnny brought a box wrapped with a red ribbon, to school, as a present for his teacher. He handed it to her. She started to guess what was inside. Chocolates? she asked.

Nope.

A Cake? Johnny shook his head No. Then the teacher noticed some liquid dripping from the corner of the box. She caught a few drops on her finger, put the finger in her mouth, then said, Ah, I know-dill pickles.

No, Johnny said, its a puppy.

The little girl was SO proud of her Christmas presents, her first watch and her first perfume. She really made a pest of herself throughout the morning, going up to all the relatives and sticking that watch in their ear and insisting that they smell her perfume.

The preacher was coming for lunch, but before his arrival, the girls mother had said, If you mention that watch or that perfume just once more, Im going to send you to your room for the rest of the day.

The meal went rather well, and the little girl held her tongue until just when the desert was being served. She wanted to make sure that the preacher, too, knew about her new watch and her perfume: If you hear anything or smell anything … its me!