Old and New Jokes

Whats the definition of a Jewish nyphomaniac?

One that screws when shes just had her hair done.

Moses is sitting in the Egyptian ghetto, things are going terrible: the
Pharoah wont even talk to him, the rest of the Hebrews are mad at him
for making the overseers even more irritable than usual, etc. Hes about
ready to give up.

Suddenly a booming, sonorous voice speaks from above: You, Moses, heed
Me. I have good news, and bad news.

Moses is staggered. The voice continues:

You, Moses, will lead the
people of Israel from bondage. If the pharoah refueses to release your
bonds I will smote egypt with a rain of frogs.

You, Moses, will lead
the people of Israel to the promised land. If the pharoah blocks your
way I will smote egypt with a plague of locusts.

You, Moses, will lead
the people to freedom and safety. If the pharoahs army pursues you, I
will part the waters of the red sea to open your path to the promised
land.

Moses is stunned. He stammers, Thats, thats fantastic, I cant
believe it! – but whats the bad news?

You, moses, must write the environmental impact statement.

I can resist everything except temptation.

Q: Where are cows originally from?

A: Timbukmoo

This urban legend is said to happen to the King of Shoemakers Tomas Bata. (He was as important to Czech industry as Henry Ford I to the American one.)

Bata was driving through the country and suddenly he realized that something was wrong with his car. Fearing that he might get stuck in the road he stopped at a village and asked for help. The villains directed him to the local blacksmith.

The blacksmith inspected the engine, did something and the car was OK. Then he asked for 100 crowns. Bata was a bit discontent with paying so much money for a minutes work, so he asked for a detailed bill.

The blacksmith took a pencil and a scrap of paper and wrote:

fastened a screw: 2.00
knew which one: 98.00
——
total: 100.00

Q: How many soccer players does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
A: Five. One to get into position to screw it in, one to kick the legs out from under him, one to snatch the lightbulb and pass it to his mate who, then goes and screws it in over the other side of the room, and one to roll around on the floor pretending to be really injured.

Isabel y Claudia, dos viudas de edad avanzada, se encuentran sentadas en un café local.

Isabel: Vieras que José me pidió que saliéramos en una cita. Como me enteré que saliste con el la semana pasada, me gustaría hablar contigo acerca de él antes de darle mi respuesta.

Claudia: Bueno, déjame contarte: El se presentó a mi apartamento puntualmente a las 7:00 PM vestido como todo un caballero en un fino traje y me trajo un arreglo floral precioso. Después bajamos las escaleras hacia la calle y me encontré con una limusina con chofer uniformado y todo lo demás. Me llevó a comer, una cena maravillosa, con langosta, champaña, postre y bebidas. Después me llevó a ver una obra de teatro y déjame decirte Isabel, la disfrute tanto que me pude haber muerto de la felicidad en ese momento.

Mas tarde me llevo a mi apartamento y se convirtió en un animal. Completamente loco, me arrancó en pedazos mi vestido mas fino y caro e hizo su santa voluntad conmigo, ¡dos veces!

Isabel: ¡Dios mió! ¿Entonces me estás diciendo que no salga con el?

Claudia: ¡No, no, no! ¡Simplemente te estoy diciendo que uses un vestido barato!

Hes a maleAnd hes talking

Q: When does a brunette have 1/2 of a brain?
A: After a dye job.

1. Tech Support calls YOU for help.



2. Someone at work tells you a joke and you say LOL out loud.



3. You find yourself trying to cock your head 90 degrees when you smile.



4. You have called out someones screen name while making love to your significant other.



5. You keep begging your friends to get an account so we can hang out.



6. Three words: Carpal Tunnel Syndrome.



7. If you are male and see a female in the Real world that you wish to meet, your first thought is to IM her.



8. If you are female and you see a male in the Real world that you wish to meet, your first thought is that you wish hed IM you.



9. You dont understand the humor in the above mentioned #7 and #8 since the real world is at your fingertips.



10. You have to get a 2nd phone line just so you can call Pizza Hut.



11. When you have sex, you no longer are concerned about sexually transmitted diseases.



12. You walk into a room, and, finding that it has more than 23 people, you inform management that there is an error.



13. When looking at signs, you wonder why they are always yelling at you.



14. You go up to people you are attracted to in real life and ask them for their GIF.



15. Although you dont know what they look like, you become insanely jealous of people hitting on your cyber-love.



16. You dont even know what your cyber-love looks like.



17. When at work, your boss constantly reminds you that the word i should be capitalized.



18. You watch TV with the closed captioning turned on.



19. Your spouse now complains of you moving your fingers in your sleep instead of talking.



20. Your kids are eating cereal morning, noon, and night.



21. When someone says, What did you say? you reply, Scroll up!



22. You find yourself sneaking away to the computer in the middle of the night when your spouse is asleep.



23. You turn down the lights & close the blinds so people wont know youre on-line again.



24. You know more about your AOL friends daily routines than you do your wn spouses.



25. You find yourself lying to others about your time on-line & when they complain that your phone was busy you claim it was off the hook.



26. You have an identity crisis if someone is using a screen name close to your own.



27. You would rather tell people that your bloodshot eyes are from partying too much than the truth (online all night).



28. You change your screen names so much that you have to look at your own profile to see who you are.



29. You go into labor and you stop to type a special E-mail to let everyone know youre going to be away and how youre feeling.



30. You marry your cyberboyfriend/girlfriend and you both sit at your own computers & chat to each other every night from across the room.



31. You type messages to people while you are on the phone with them at the same time.



32. You understand the humor in all of these jokes because you have committed then yourself!



33. Your dog leaves you.



34. You are doing things more and more that you swore you would never do when you first got online.



35. You sign on & immediately get 10 IMs from people who have you on their buddy list.



36. You have a map on the wall w/ LOTS of red thumbtacks to mark where people are you have met.



37. You look at an annoying person off-line & wish you had your ignore button handy.



38. You bring a bag lunch & a cooler to the computer.



39. Your significant other kisses your neck while youre chatting and you think, Uh oh, cyber sex perv.



40. You go thru withdrawal if you are away from the computer for more than a few hours.



41. Your buddy list has over 100 people on it.



42. You understand what BIF ISO BIM means. (I wonder how many will get this one…If so, youve been hanging out in *strange* places).



43. You wake up in the morning and the first thing you do is get online before you have your first cup of coffee.



44. You have to inject no-doze into your butt to keep it awake.



45. You have your computer set so it goes directly into AOLs welcome screen.



46. You wait 6 hours online for a certain special person to come home from work.



47. You dont know where the time has gone.



48. You end sentences with 3 (or more) periods while writing letters by hand.



49. Your relationship online has gone farther than any real one you have had.



50. You get up at 2 am to go to the bathroom but turn on the computer instead.



51. You dont even notice anymore when someone has a typo.



52. You enter a room & 23 people greet you w/ {{hugs}} or **kisses**.



53. You stop typing whole words and use things like ppl, dunno and lemme.



54. Your voicemail/answering machine message is BRB, leave your s/n & I will TTYL.



55. You type faster than you think.



56. You got your psychiatrist addicted to AOL too & are now undergoing therapy in private rooms instead of at his office.



57. You want to be buried with your computer when it dies or vice versa.



58. You actually enjoy the fact that you are addicted.



59. You can actually read & follow all the names of the cast that scrolls up your TV screen at the end of a movie



60. People say, If it werent for your super reflexes in your eyes and fingers, you would have been classified as a vegetable!



61. You dream in text.



62. Being called a Newbie is a MAJOR insult.



63. There is absolutely no interesting chat in any room & youre really bored.



64. You dont want to leave in case you miss something.



65. You double click your TV remote.



66. You can now type over 70 wpm.



67. You think about starting a 12-step recovery group for AOL junkies.



68. You are on the phone a minute & need to do something else & say BRB r BBL.



69. You check your E-mail and forget you have real mail (a.k.a. snail mail).



70. You go into withdrawals during dinner.



71. You spend at least 30 minutes making sure you say goodbye to everyone in a room.



72. You stop speaking in full sentences.



73. You have gone into an unstaffed Tech Support room & ended up giving tech support to other AOLers.



74. You have to be pried from your computer by the Jaws of Life.



75. Your last sexual experience was really just a textual experience.



76. You know what a snert is.



77. You set your kitchen on fire while cooking dinner because you wanted to check your mail & while there you just wanted to see who was nline.



78. You meet people from AOL in public & you have no idea what their real name is, so you call them by their screen name.



79. Youve even gotten on an airplane just to meet some folks face-to-face.



80. When seeing someone you wish to meet, your second thought is wishing theyd be on AOL so you dont have to meet them in person.



81. You have a vanity car tag with your screen name on it.



82. You no longer type with proper capitalization, punctuation, or complete sentences.



83. You have met over 100 AOLers.



84. When meeting a stranger, you ask for their profile. If they have a profile you ask them for an age/sex/location check.



85. You understand the humor in all of this.



86. You keep telling yourself to Get a Life.



87. When someone online says BRB, gotta go pee, you ask them to go for you, and think they can.