Old and New Jokes

H. L. Menckens Law: Those who can, do. Those who cant, teach. Martins Extension: Those who cannot teach, administrate.

In Prison:
You spend your time in an 8 x 10 cell

At Work:
You spend your time in an 6 x 8 cubicle

In Prison:
You get three free meals a day

At Work:
You get one break for a meal you pay for

In Prison:
A guard locks and unlocks all doors for you

At Work:
You carry a security card, you unlock the doors

In Prison:
You get to watch TV and play games

At Work:
You get fired for watching TV and playing games

In Prison:
You get your own toilet

At Work:
You have to share

In Prison:
Family and friends are allowed to visit

At Work:
Youre not allowed to speak to family or friends

In Prison:
Expenses are paid by taxpayers and work is not required

At Work:
You pay to go to work and you get to deduct expenses
on your taxes to pay for prisoners

In Prison:
You look through the bars, hoping to get out

At Work:
You want to get out so you can go inside the bars

In Prison:
The wardens who are often called sadistic

At Work:
The wardens are called managers

An attorney passed on and found himself in Heaven. Not at all happy with his accommodations, he complained to St. Peter, who told him that his only recourse was to appeal his assignment.



The attorney immediately advised St. Peter that he intended to appeal. The attorney was immediately informed that it would be at least three years before his appeal could be heard. The attorney protested that a three-year wait was unconscionable, however his words fell on deaf ears. The lawyer was then approached by Satan, who told him that he would be able to arrange his appeal to be heard in just a few days, but only if the attorney stipulated to change the venue to Hell.



When the attorney inquired as to why appeals could be heard so much faster in Hell, Satan gleefully exclaimed, Who do you think has all of the judges!

A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.

A husband and his wife were riding along together in a car. They had been quarreling and hadnt spoken for a long time. Finally, they passed a mule in a pasture. The man pointed to the mule and asked his wife, A relative of yours?

Without a moments hesitation, she responded, Yes, by marriage.

A blonde woman walks into a store. Curious about a shiny object, she asks, What is that?

The store clerk responds, Its a thermos.



The blonde then asks, What does it do?



The clerk says It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold. So she buys one.



The next day, she brings it to work with her. Her boss, also a blond, asks, What is that shiny object?



She replies Its a thermos.



He asks, What does it do?



She says, It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.



He then asks, What do you have in there?



Two cups of coffee and a popsicle.

An old man takes his grandson fishing on afternoon. After 15 minutes of fishing,ol grandpa takes out his flask of wiskey and starts drinking. His grandson asks,Can I have some Grandpa?

Can your dick touch your ass? he replies.



No



Then youre not old enought,sit down



Another 15 minutes pass and grandpa takes out his Camel and starts to puff away. His grandson asks Can I have some of that gramps?



Can your dick touch your ass?



No



Then youre not old enought,sit down.



Feeling bad the little boy sits down and starts to eat some chocolate chip cookies that he brought along.Grandpa sees these cookies and asks,Can I have a cookie?



Can your dick touch your ass?



Yeah



Then go fuck yourself cause grandma made these for me.

A refund.

When throwing rocks at seabirds, leave no tern unstoned.
When painting baboons, leave no stern untoned.

Where do you have to go to find a man who is truly into commitment?

A mental hospital.