Old and New Jokes

Ben Dover

And

C. Howlett Fields
Attorneys At Law

Manolo entra como una tromba al bar del pueblo y grita, Dame un whisky doble. ¡Estoy furioso! El cantinero le sirve la bebida y Manolo se la toma de un trago. Dame uno más. El cantinero le vuelve a servir e, intrigado, le pregunta, ¿Qué te sucede? ¿por qué vienes tan enojado?

Manolo responde: Mira, estaba en el bar de al lado cuando entra esta rubia monumental y se sienta justa a mi lado. Tú sabes, era como una fantasía vuelta realidad. Entonces comienzo a sentir la mano de la rubia en mi pierna y la rubia se me acerca y me dice que lo siga y se levanta. No podía creer lo que estaba pasando, pero la seguí.

Me llevó hasta un hotel cercano y subimos a su cuarto. Tan pronto como cerró la puerta se quitó el vestido. ¡Era todo lo que traía encima! En un segundo me desvestí y en eso escucho un ruido de llaves fuera del cuarto y la rubia dice: Oh, ese es mi novio. Debe haber perdido su torneo de lucha libre y debe estar furioso. ¡Escóndete!

Así que como rayo busco donde esconderme y no se me ocurre nada mejor que colgarme de la ventana tomado de los dedos a la cornisa. Entonces oigo que entra el tipo y grita, ¡Con quien estabas ahora, perra! y empieza a revolver todo el cuarto, y luego dice, ¿Qué es eso que está ahí en la ventan? Luego oigo que el tipo entra al baño y escucho agua correr, y de pronto el fulano me baña con agua hirviendo. ¡Mira! ¡Tengo quemaduras por toda la cabeza y los hombros!

El cantinero dice, Vaya, de seguro que eso te enfureció.

No, realmente eso no fue lo que me molestó. Enseguida, el tipo comenzó a bajar la ventana una y otra vez, golpeándome los dedos. ¡Mira cómo me han quedado!

El cantinero dice, Sí, ahora entiendo lo que te puso tan furioso.

No, eso no fue lo que me hizo enojar.

Bueno, ¿entonces que fue lo que te molestó tanto?

Mira, estaba allí colgando, todo quemado y con los dedos destrozados, cuando se me ocurre voltear para abajo ¡y sólo estaba a 30 centímetros del suelo!

At any level of traffic, any delay is intolerable.

Q: What did the blonde do when her doctor told her she had sugar in her urine?

A: She peed on her corn flakes.

If you are from the northern states and planning on visiting or moving to the South, there are a few things you should know that will help you adapt to the difference in lifestyles:

If you run your car into a ditch, dont panic. Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a 12 pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Dont try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

Dont be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store. Do not buy food at this store.

Remember, yall is singular, all yall is plural, and all yalls is plural possessive.

Get used to hearing You aint from around here, are ya?

You may hear a Southerner say Ought! to a dog or child. This is short for Yall oughta not do that! and is the equivalent of saying No!

Dont be worried at not understanding what people are saying. They cant understand you either.

The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerners vocabulary is the adjective bigol, as in bigol truck or bigol boy. Most Northerners begin their Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it.

The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.

Be advised that He needed killin is a valid defense here.

If you hear a Southerner exclaim, Hey, yall, watch this, stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words hell ever say.

If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesnt matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there.

When you come up on a person driving 15 mph down the middle of the road, remember that most folks learn to drive on a John Deere tractors, and that this is the proper speed and position for that vehicle.

In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush, green lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway.

If you settle in the South & bear children, dont think well accept them as Southerners. After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, we wouldnt call em biscuits.

The North has sun-dried toe-mah-toes

The South has mater samiches

The North has coffeehouses

The South has Waffle Houses

The North has dating services

The South has family reunions

The North has switchblade knives

The South has Lee Press-on Nails

The North has double last names

The South has double first names

The North has an ambulance,

The South has an amalance

The North has the Mafia,

The South has NASCAR

The North has Indy car races

The South has Swamp Buggy races

The North has Cream of Wheat or Oatmeal

The South has grits

The North has green salads

The South has collard greens and chitlins

The North has lobsters

The South has crawdads

The North has Distilleries, Breweries, and liquor stores

The South has stills, shine, and them ridgerunners

The North has the rust belt

The South has the Bible Belt

none.Bill Gates declare darkness the new standard.

Un predicador daba un sermón a una multitud de hispanos en E.U.A. que no hablaban inglés, a través de un intérprete mexicano.

El orador comienza la prédica:

God, and only God will save us.

El mexicano traduce:

Él dice que Dios, y sólo Dios nos salvará.

All of those who believe in God will be saved

Él dice que todos aquellos que creen en Dios se salvarán.

Una persona no muy conforme con la homilía, lanza un tremendo naranjazo directo a la cabeza del traductor. El sermoneador yanqui se le acerca y dice a éste: God forgives the one who did it

Él dice que: ¡Chingue a su madre el que aventó la pinche naranja!

The Doctor, The Famer and the H.M.O. executive die and are met at the Pearly gates of Heaven by St. Peter.

St. Peter tells the Doctor, you took care of the sick and dying while on earth, you are welcome to enter Heaven.



St. Peter then speaks to the Farmer and tells him, while on earth you nourished and fed the people, you are welcome to enter Heaven.



Then St. Peter looks over at the H.M.O. Executive and says, you can come in for three days.

How many times have you woken up in the morning after a hard night of drinking and thought How did I get home?? As hard as you try, you cannot piece together your return journey from the bar to your home. The answer to this puzzle is that you used a beer scooter.



The beer scooter is a mythical form of transport, owned and leased out to drunks by Bacchus the Roman god of wine. Bacchus has branched out since the decrease in the worship of the Roman pantheon and bought a large batch of these magical devices.



The beer scooter works in the following fashion:

The passenger reaches a certain level of drunkenness and the slurring gland begins to give off a pheromone. Bacchus or one of his many sub-contractors detects the pheromone and sends down a winged beer scooter. The scooter scoops up the passenger and deposits them in their bedroom via a trans-dimensional portal.



It is not cheap to run a beer scooter franchise, so a large portion of the passengers in-pocket cash is taken as payment. This generates the second question after a night out How did I spend so much money?.



Beer scooters have a poor safety record and are thought to be responsible for 90% of all UDI (unidentified drinking injuries). Independent studies have also shown that Beer Goggles cause the scooters navigation system to malfunction thus sending the passenger to the wrong bedroom often with horrific consequences.

A fellow was on his honeymoon near his favorite fishing lake and he would fish from dawn to dark with his favorite fishing guide. One day the guide, friend of many years, mentioned that the honeymoon seemed to be spent fishing.

Yes, but you know how I love to fish…

But arent you newlyweds supposed to be into something else?

Yes, but shes got gonorrhea; and you know how I love to fish

A few hours later, I understand, but thats not the only way to have sex.

I know, but shes got diarrhea; and you know how I love to fish…

The following day: Sure, but thats still not the only way to have sex.

Yeah, but shes got pyorrhea ; and you know how I love to fish…

Late that afternoon, thoroughly frustrated: I guess Im not sure why youd marry someone with health problems like that.

Its cause shes also got worms; and you know I just love to fish…