Old and New Jokes

Heard at a party:

There was this man who was in a horrible accident, and was injured.
But the only permanent damage he suffered was the amputation of both
of his ears. As a result of this unusual handicap, he was very
self-conscious about his having no ears.

Because of the accident, he received a large sum of money from the
insurance company. It was always his dream to own his own business,
so he decided with all this money he had, he now had the means to own
a business. So he went out and purchased a small, but expanding
computer firm. But he realized that he had no business knowledge at
all, so he decided that he would have to hire someone to run the business.

He picked out three top candidates, and interviewed each of them.

The first interview went really well. He really liked this guy. His last
question for this first candidate was Do you notice anything unusual
about me? The guy said, Now that you mention it, you have no ears.
The man got really upset and threw the guy out.

The second interview went even better than the first. This candidate was
much better than the first. Again, to conclude the interview,
the man asked the same question again, Do you notice anything unusual
about me? The guy also noticed, Yes, you have no ears. The man
was really upset again, and threw this second candidate out.

Then he had the third interview. The third candidate was even better than
the second, the best out of all of them. Almost certain that he
wanted to hire this guy, the man once again asked, Do you notice
anything unusual about me? The guy replied Yeah, you are wearing
contact lenses. Surprised, the man then asked, Wow! Thats quite
perceptive of you! How could you tell? The guy answered Easy. You
cant wear eye glasses. You dont have any f*cking ears!

There was this pot-head walking down a road when a genie appeared in front of him and said, "Ill grant you two wishes. What is your first wish?" asked the genie. The pot-head replied, "I want a never ending joint. The genie goes, "As you wish," and gave him the joint. The pot-head took a long drag and said, "Cool. I want another one!"

What do cannibals use to freshen their breath? Men-tos

Entra un hombre a la iglesia y se acerca al confesionario; el sacerdote al verlo llegar pronuncia:

Ave María Purísima. Dime hijo, ¿en qué te puedo ayudar?

El hombre, ni corto ni perezoso, le explica:

Pues, mire usted que yo quería un coche con ABS, bolsa de aire, cierres centralizados, tapicería de cuero, llantas con rines de aluminio, y me han dicho que me acerque aquí.

Hijo, lo que tú estas buscando es un CONCESIONARIO, con C, responde el cura.

Q: Why do blondes have square boobs?

A: Because they forgot to take the tissues out of the box.

Yo mamma is so dumb she tripped over a cordless phone.

"If you run, youll only go to jail tired.""The handcuffs are tight because theyre new. Theyll stretch out after you wear them awhile.""So, you dont know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?""No sir, we dont have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now were allowed to write as many tickets as we want.""Warning! You want a warning? Okay, Im warning you not to do that again or Ill give you another ticket.""Lifes tough, its tougher if youre stupid.""In God we trust, all others are suspects."

Monica Lewinsky was walking on the beach when she found a lantern washed up on the shore. She started to rub it and out popped a genie.

Oh goodie, now I will get three wishes!, she exclaimed.

No, said the genie, You have been very bad this year, and because of this, I can only give you one wish.

Lets see, says Monica, I dont need fame, because I have plenty of that due to all of the media coverage.

And I dont need money, because after I write my book, and do all my interviews, Ill have all the money I could ever want.

I would like to get rid of these love handles, though. Yeah, thats it,for my one wish, I would like my love handles removed.

Poof!, and just like that, her ears were gone!

The teacher was telling her 4th grade class about todays lesson.

Ill say a letter of the alphabet and you give me a word that starts with that letter. Lets begin. A

All the children raise their hands, but little Johnny was almost coming out of his seat trying to get picked. The teacher knew Johnny had a filthy mouth and thought to herself that if she picked Johnny, he would give her a word like ass or asshole. She picked Wendy, and Wendy said apple.

Very good, said the teacher, now B.

Johnny was jumping out of his seat again, but the teacher picked Bobby. Bobby said ball.

This went on and on with Johnny trying to get picked for each letter and the teacher knowing there was a dirty word for it. Then she got to R. Nobody but Johnny had their hands up.

The teacher thought and thought and couldnt think of a bad word that started with R. So she picked Johnny.

Johnny stands up and says: R…Rat…a big, fat, fuckin Rat!

Beat the 5 oclock rush – Leave work at noon!