There was this old guy wandering around in a supermarket calling out at intervals –
Crisco? Crisco? CRIS–CO!!!!
Finally a store clerk approached.
Sir, the Crisco is on aisle five.
Oh, replied the old guy, Im not looking for Crisco, Im calling my wife.
Your wife is named Crisco?
Nah, he answered, I only call her that when we come to the supermarket.
Oh? What do you call her when you are not in the supermarket?
Lard Ass!
At recent trade talks the American representative offered to sell sophisticated American telephone technology to the Russians.
American : In the United States, anyone can pick up any phone and dial 9-1-1. This will record the call and connect them with the police.
Russian : In Russia we dont require that you dial anything.
A man is in a bar, and he notices that the bartender has a cat. He goes up to the bartender and says, Ill bet you $50 my dick is longer than that cats tail.
The bartender gives him a look as though hes crazy and accepts the bet. They measure the cats tail, and its 14 inches.
The man then drops his pants, takes the yardstick and places one end between his legs and begins to measure.
What are you doing? asks the bartender.
Im measuring from the back of my ass just like you did for the cat.
Veteran Pillsbury spokesman, Pop N. Fresh, died yesterday of a severe yeast
infection. He was 71. Known to friends as Brown-n-Serve, Fresh was an
avid gardener and tennis player. Fresh was buried in one of the largest
funeral ceremonies in recent years.
Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, the
California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Aunt Jemima, Betty Crocker, the Hostess
Twinkies, and Skippy.
The graveside was piled high with flours as longtime friend, Aunt Jemima,
delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who never knew how much
he was kneaded.
Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with
many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much
of his dough on half-baked schemes — conned by those who buttered him up.
Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions. He
enjoyed being prodded by his many friends who invariably poked fun at
him.
Fresh is survived by his second wife. They have two children and another
bun in the oven.
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
For the first bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
See if they can do it again.
For the second bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the third bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the fourth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the fifth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the sixth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the seventh bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the eighth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the ninth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the tenth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Change the documentation
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the eleventh bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Say its not supported
Change the documentation
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the twelfth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Tell them its a feature
Say its not supported
Change the documentation
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
There is no limit to the amount of good that people can accomplish, if they dont care who gets the credit.
To be, or not to be, those are the parameters.
This guy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes its a gay bar. But what the heck, he says, I really want a drink.
When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the customer, Whats the name of your penis?
The customer says, Look, Im not into any of that. All I want is a drink.
The gay waiter says, Im sorry but I cant serve you until you tell me the name of your penis. Mine for instance is called Nike, for the slogan, Just Do It. That guy down at the end of the bar calls his Snickers, because It really Satisfies.
The customer looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. The customer asks the man sitting to his left, who is sipping on a beer, Hey bud, whats the name of your penis?
The man looks back and says with a smile, TIMEX.
The thirsty customer asks, Why Timex?
The fella proudly replies, Cause it takes a lickin and keeps on tickin!
A little shaken, the customer turns to the fella on his right, who is sipping a fruity Margarita and says, So, what do you call your penis?
The man turns to him and proudly exclaims, FORD, because Quality is Job 1. Then he adds, Have you driven a Ford, lately?
Even more shaken, the customer has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his penis. Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, The name of my penis is Secret. Now give me my beer.
The bartender begins to pour the customer a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, Why secret?
The customer says, Because its STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!
You truly dont care who Julia Roberts is sleeping with.
You understand the difference between 43 brands of imported vodka.
You can call anyone honey including pets.
You know someone who definitely was in the emergency room with
Richard Gere and the gerbil.
You understand the immense importance of good lighting.
You can be at a crowded disco the size of two football fields
and still spot a toupee.
You can tell a woman you love her bathing suit, and mean
her bathing suit.
You can explain the nuances between steady date, boyfriend
and lover.
You really have been there, done that.
Your women friends will tell you everything you want to know
about their boyfriends. And that means everything.
Youre the only type of male who gets to say fabulous.
You can have naked pictures of men you dont know in your home.
You can have naked men you dont know in your home.
You know how to handle the telephone like a Stradivarius.
You understand why the good Lord invented spandex.
You understand why the good Lord didnt intend everyone to wear it.
You know how to get back at just about everyone.
You only wear polyester when you mean to.
You can smile to let someone know you cant stand them.
You can freeze a troll from 20 feet away.
Youre good pals with women other people cant stand.
Youve always got an opinion.
Youve read the book, seen the movie, done the musical.
You know how to dress strategically.
Your car has an amusing female name.
Youre the only one at your high school reunion who looks
a lot better than you did in high school.
Youve got at least one framed picture of a pet.
If your mattress could talk, it would be Joan Rivers.
You know that sex complicates things. So?
You know that being called a cheap slut isnt actually an insult.
Theres a married guy somewhere who is terrified of you.
Nobody tells you what to do in bed…unless you tell them what
to tell you.
You have a medicine chest stocked for any occasion.
You have at least one movie musical on video.
Youre not embarrassed to sing in a piano bar.
Youre embarrassed by people who sing in piano bars.
You never hold a grudge for longer than a decade or two.
You know how to make an entrance.
You know when to make an exit.
You worry about people you dont even know – like Liza Minnelli.
You choose the most fabulous greeting cards.
You know how to program your VCR.
Youve got sunscreen at every conceivable SPF level.
You have a cologne display worthy of Bloomingdales.
You understand, viscerally, Joan Crawford.
Some of your best friends are your ex-lovers.
You know when to play dumb.
You know what to do for a hangover.
Yes, you do have a condom.
Youve called someone girlfriend who is neither a girl
nor a friend.
One or more of the following apply to you:
a) You adore Judy Garland
b) You hate Judy Garland
c) You hate people who adore Judy Garland.
d) You hate people who hate Judy Garland.
e) You dont give a damn about Judy Garland.
f) Who is Judy Garland?
You can supply the last names to the following list:
a) Bernadette
b) Chita
c) Barbra
You made Donna Summer a star.
You made Donna Summer a has-been.
Tanning salons were invented for you.
Youve made sunbathing a performance art.
You know when the partys over.
You know where to go after the partys over.
Youre fearless about fighting the elements, especially gravity.
When you hear a stitch in time saves nine you think of:
a) Your grandma
b) Your face lift
c) John Wayne Bobbit
You know that pigs and bears are not necessarily rural wildlife.
Your roommate can be your roommate and not your roommate.
You know that referring to someone as a real lady isnt
necessarily a compliment.
Your favorite dinner accessory may also be your dinner companion.
You know that the most important part of a partys decor is the
catering staff.
If your cat is a female, you swear its a lesbian.
If your cat is a male, you swear its a lesbian.
You sing along heartily with songs that make most females cringe,
like Stand by your man.
Youve been to a bris, a barmitzvah, a christening, a first communion
and too many weddings. You have a carefully considered evaluation
of the food after each.
Youll never have to hear your mother complain about your wife.
A two-seater convertible seems perfectly practical to you.
You have a favorite Disney character and its usually a nasty one.
Youve left someone totally speechless.
Youve shaved something other than your face.
All your friends do not have to get along.
You have large collection of anniversary pictures. They may be
with different guys, however.
Your love handles are actually used as such.
When someone turns his back on you, you actually consider it
an opportunity.
Youve got a large assortment of movie-star biographies.
Youve got the most interesting coffee table books.
You know where to find a meat rack and it aint in your kitchen drawer.
You have a sexual persuasion with its own flag.
At some moment in your life youve envisioned having back-up girls.
You know your enemies.
After a workout at the gym, you feel like a new man… and hes
right there in the shower.
Youre Barbra Streisands biggest fan.
You know that Barbra Streisands biggest fan is Barbra Streisand.
Not only have you added spice to your life – sometimes youve added
side dishes.
You know that small talk can be about spirituality or politics, and
important issues can be about hair.
Youve actually lived out some of your fantasies.
Unlike most straight women, you have no problem being treated
solely as a sex object.
You have no doubts about the accuracy of the Kinsey Report.
You know, by heart, every line in:
a) All About Eve
b) The Rocky Horror Picture Show
c) Your face
You are ALWAYS ready for your close-up.
You have 412 ways to tell someone to get lost. 136 are non-verbal.
You can lip-sync to at least one Supremes song.
You have a carefully selected Yiddish vocabulary.
Even if youre in Kansas, youre not in Kansas anymore.
You know exactly how many martinis it takes.
When throwing a party, you know how to put out quite a spread.
Sometimes after the party too.
A vicious German Shepherd dog lived at one house on the mail mans route. The dog was so aggressive the letter carrier feared he would be bitten and the U.S. Postal Service was forced to suspend mail delivery to protect their employee.
After several weeks of having to pick up their mail at the Post Office, the dogs owner took steps to solve the problem.
He met the mail man out on the sidewalk and told him he would no longer have to fear the dog being so aggressive because they had its testicles removed.
Youve got to be kidding, said the letter carrier, why didnt you have his teeth removed? I wasnt afraid of him screwing me!
Lyles Joke Boutique.