13
Feb

En una zona militar un

En una zona militar un valiente soldado recibe un tiro en un brazo. Inmediatamente fue atendido por el doctor, el cual le dijo:

Amigo tenemos que amputar el brazo.

¡No!, entonces cómo podre tirar.

No se preocupe, le podemos poner hacer un transplante que le servira igual que el brazo original.

Está bien.

Hay un sólo problema, el brazo es de mujer.

No importa si es que voy a estar bien.

El soldado es operado y cuando despertó de la anestesia, tenía su nuevo brazo que le quedó como si fuera suyo desde un principio. Por recomendación del médico regresó a los quince días para un chequeo.

¿Cómo le va con el brazo?

Muy bien, sólo un pequeño problema.

¿Cuál?

¡Qué cuando voy al baño a orinar no me quiere soltar!

13
Feb

Changing Underwear

The men of Charlie Company had been in the field for two weeks when the Sarge announces, Ive got good news and bad news.

First the good news. Today were going to change our underwear.



The troops start cheering wildly. Now the bad news, continues the Sarge. Smith, you change with Jones.



Andrews, you change with Murphy . . .

13
Feb

The great escape!

A brunette and a blonde were speeding down the street when they passed a cop.

Oh no! cried the brunette. Is he following me?

Yep, replied the blonde.

Im going to drive down this little side road, okay? said the brunette.

Yep, replied the blonde.

Is the cop still following me?

Yep.

Is his lights on?

Yep, nope, yep, nope, yep, nope…

12
Feb

Knock Knock Whos there? Butter! Butter who? Butter bring

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Butter!
Butter who?
Butter bring an umbrella, it looks like it might rain!

12
Feb

Its a Bummer to be an egg!

Its a bummer to be an egg because…

1) You only get laid once.

2) You only get eaten once.

3) It takes 7 minutes to get hard.

4) You have to come in a box with 11 others.

5) The only one wholl sit on your face is your mother.

12
Feb

The name that fits the job (and other things)

David Greenland is an expert on Land Resource Planning.

Anthony Pinto is Production Manager of Ford Motor Company. (No! the car was not named after him)

Dr Coffin is the head of the CMA. (Canadian Medical Association)

Peter Nix is a toxicologist at Environment Canada.

Rik Scarce is in jail for non-revelation of his sociology study sources

Otto Matt was a pioneer in digital cartography

Sergei Chilibashwilli – Soviet athlete who fatally bashed his willy on the concrete platform at the Edmonton Student Games.

Andrew Payer is an auditor in the pay office of Health and Welfare Canada

John Trout works for Environmental Communications.

Dr. M. Gawk-roger is my opthalmologist.

Bill Hogg is a hobby farmer and physician.

Nancy Savage is a corporate lawyer.

Byrd Airport in Richmond VA.

Sally Ryde was the first woman to have a ride in the Space shuttle Challenger. Lucky she didnt get the second.

Wendy Parkes is a bureaucrat in Parks Canada.

Steve Podborski: The great downhiller who won the 1981 World Championship: rides his boards in a characteristic pod. (the pod he is affectionally known). Eddie Podivinski won the Salbach Downhill Jan 94.

Harry Rosenbloom is a horticulturalist at the Experimental farm.

Dr. G.G. Barber is a vascular surgeon.

Robert P. Wood. Built the XP-77 fighter in 1942 in response to the U.S. Army call for a fighter built of wood to match the Japanese Zero.

Peter Popoff: Television Faith Healer with miracles of Power! Power! Power!

Lorena Bobbit! Oh! my Gawwwwd!!

11
Feb

Knock Knock Whos there? Zaire! Zaire who? Zaire air

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Zaire!
Zaire who?
Zaire air is polluted!

10
Feb

Dating Terms

LOVE AT 1st SIGHT – what occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.

DATING – the process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you dont especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.

BIRTH CONTROL – avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing special pills, inserting a diaphragm, using a condom, and dating repulsive men or spending time around children.

EASY – a term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man.

EYE CONTACT – a method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many woman have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a womans eyes are not located in her chest.

FRIEND – a member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.

INDIFFERENCE – a womans feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man as playing hard to get.

INTERESTING – a word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do all the talking.

IRRITATING HABIT – what the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.

LAW OF RELATIVITY – how attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportional to how unattractive your date is.

NYMPHOMANIAC – a mans term for a woman who wants to have sex more often than he does.

FRIGID – a mans term for a woman who wants to have sex less often than he does, or who requires more foreplay than lifting her nightgown.

SOBER – condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.

NAG – a mans term for a woman who wants more to her life with him than just intercourse.

10
Feb

Technical Support for Wife 1.0

Dear (IT) Technical Support:

I am desperate for some help.

I recently upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that the
new program began unexpected child processing and also took up a lot of
space and valuable resources. This wasnt mentioned in the product
brochure.

In addition Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and
launches during system initialisation where it monitors all other
system activity.

Applications such as Boys Night Out 2.5, and Golf 5.3 no longer run
and crash the system whenever selected. Attempting to operate Saturday
Rugby 6.3 always fails but Saturday Shopping 7.1 runs instead. I cannot
seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background whilst attempting to run any of
my favourite applications. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend
7.0 but uninstall doesnt work on this program.

Can you please help.

Joe

Dear Joe,

This is a very common problem resulting from a basic
misunderstanding. Many men upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0
thinking that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT program.
Whereas Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM designed by its creator to run
everything.

You are unlikely to be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back
to Girlfriend 7.0 as Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this and it
is impossible to uninstall, delete or purge the program files from the
system once installed.

Some people have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but have
ended up with even more problems. (See in manual under
alimony/Child Support and Solicitors Fees).

Having Wife 1.0 installed myself I recommend you keep it installed
and deal with the difficulties as best you can. When any faults or
problems occur, whatever you think has caused them, you must run the C:
I APOLOGISE program and avoid attempting to use the *Esc-key. It may
be necessary to run C: I APOLOGISE a number of times but hopefully
eventually the operating system will return to normal.

Wife 1.0 although a very high maintenance program can be very
rewarding. To get the most out of it consider buying additional
software such as Flowers 2.0 and Chocolates 5.0.

Do not under any circumstances install Secretary (Short Skirt version)
as this is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and the
system will almost certainly crash.

09
Feb

Freshman

The huge college freshman figured hed try



out for the football team. Can you tackle?



asked the coach.



Watch this, said the freshman, who proceeded



to run smack into a telephone pole, shattering



it to splinters.



Wow, said the coach. Im impressed. Can you run?



Of course I can run, said the freshman. He



was off like a shot, and, in just over nine



seconds, he had run a hundred yard dash.



Great! enthused the coach. But can you pass



a football?



The freshman rolled his eyes, hesitated for a



few seconds. Well, sir, he said, if I can



swallow it, I can probably pass it.