Old and New Jokes

Q. What does a blonde and a computer have in common?

A. You dont learn to appreciate them until they go down.

Once there were three surgeons engaged in conversation.

They got on the topic of their occupation and each stated who they liked to

operate on.

The first doctor said, I like to work on electricians.

Why? the others replied.

He answered, When you open them up, they are all color coded so you know

where everything goes.

The second doctor said, I like to work on librarians.

Why? the other doctors asked.

He replied, Librarians are all orgainized in a sophisticated pattern.

The third doctor said, Well, I like to work on lawyers.

Lawyers?! replied the others suprised.

Yes, Lawyers he stated.

But why? they asked him.

Well, they are gutless, they have no spine, and their heads and butts are

interchangable.

Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?

A: Cut the rope.

Three little boys were sitting on the porch, when one little boy says, My Daddy smokes, and he can blow smoke rings.

The second little boy pipes up, Well, my Dad smokes too! and he can blow smoke out of his ears.

The third little boy, not to be outdone responds, My Dad can blow smoke out of his butt.

Really, have you seen it? reply the boys.

The third boy responds, No, but Ive seen the tobacco stains in his underwear.

Se suben dos médicos a un elevador y ven que se acerca rápidamente un paciente que camina arrastrando un pie.

Le dice uno de los médicos: Disculpe amigo, pero aquí mi compañero cree que usted tuvo lesión de neurona motora superior y yo digo que fue de inferior.

Y le contesta el hombre:

¡Pues los tres nos equivocamos, porque yo creí que era pedo y fue caca!

Twas the Night Before Christmas: Reckneck Version



Twas the night before Christmas And all through the trailer

Not a creature was stirrin Cept a redneck named Taylor.

His first name was Bubba, Joe was his middle,

And a-runnin down his chin Was a trickle of spittle.

His socks, they were hung by the chimney with care,

And therefore there was a foul stench in the air.



That Bubba got scared And rousted the boys.

There was Rufus, 12 Jim Bob was 11

Dud goin on 10 Otis was 7.

John, George and Chucky Were 5,4, and 3:

The twins were both girls So they let them be.



They jumped in their overalls, No need for a shirt,

Threw a hat on each head, Then turned with a jerk.

They ran to the gun rack That hung on the wall.

There were 17 shotguns They grabbed them all.



Bubba said to the younguns, Now hesh up yall!

The last thing we wanna do Is wake up yer Maw.

Maw was expecting And needed her sleep,

So out they crept out the door Without making a peep.



They all looked around, and then they all spit.

The younguns asked Bubba, Paw, what is it?

Bubba just stared He could not say a word.

This was just like all of The stories hed heard.



It was Santy Claus on the roof, Darn tootin

But the boys didnt know They was about to start shootin!

They aimed their shotguns and nearly made a mistake

That would have resulted in venison steak.

Bubba hollered out, Dont shoot, boys!

Thats Santy Claus And hes brought us some toys.



The dogs were a-barkin And a-raisin cain,

And Bubba whistled, and shouted, And called them by name.

Down, Spot! Shut up Bullet! Quiet, Pete and Roscoe!

Git, Turnip and Tater and Sam and Bosco!



Git down from that porch! Git down off that wall!

Quit shakin the trailer, Or youll make Santy fall!

The dogs kept a-barkin And wouldnt shut up,

And they trampled poor Pete Who was only a pup.



Santy opened his bag, And threw out some toys.

Bubba got most, But left a few for the boys.

Since the guns had been dropped He just might not die.



He jumped in his sleigh, Told his reindeer to hurry.

The trailer started to wobble Santa started to worry.

Just as the reindeer Got into the air,

The trailer collapsed, But Bubba didnt care.



He was busy lookin At all his new toys.

Then a thought hit him, And he said to the boys:

Go check on yer Maw, Make sure shes all right.

That roof fallin on her Could-a hurt just a might.



But Maw was OK, And the girls were too.

They fixed up the trailer It looked good as new.

And as for Bubba, He liked Old St. Nick,

But Santa thought Bubba Was a pure-in-tee hick!



Bubba had a nice Christmas, And the boys did, too.

And the Taylors wish A Merry Christmas to you!

This is pretty close to an actual sales call I received. The sales
persons name has been changed. The company name has not. I think
well stick with our current provider.

Bob: Hello, Im Bob ______ from AT&T, and Im calling to let you know
about the Internet services we offer. Do you have a minute to…

Me: Im kind of busy right now, but if you could just email me the
information Ill call you back if Im interested. My address
is…

Bob: Could I have your fax number? Were behind a firewall, so our email
doesnt always get through.

Politically Correct ways to tell someone they are goofy:

A few clowns short of a circus. A few fries short of a happy meal. The wheels spinning, but the hamsters dead. All foam, no beer. The butter has slipped off his pancake. The cheese slid off his cracker. Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel. Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear. Couldnt pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel. He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down. As smart as bait. Doesnt have all his dogs on one leash. Her sewing machines out of thread. One fruit loop shy of a full bowl. Her antenna doesnt pick up all the channels. His belt doesnt go through all the loops. Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse. Receiver is off the hook. Not wired to code. Skylight leaks a little. Her slinkys kinked. Too much yardage between the goal posts. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold them together. A photographic memory, but the lens cover is on. During evolution his ancestors were in the control group. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isnt coming. Is so dense, light bends around her. If brains were taxed, hed get a rebate. Standing close to her, you can hear the ocean. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but he just gargled. She stayed on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long.

Other funnies…

Making fun of born-again Christians is like hunting dairy cows with a high powered rifle and scope.

I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some dont have film. He who laughs last, thinks slowest. A day without sunshine is like, well night. On the other hand, you have different fingers. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse? I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory. When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty. Seen it all, done it all, cant remember most of it. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who dont. I feel like Im diagonally parked in a parallel universe. Hes not dead, hes electroencephalographically challenged. Shes always late. Her ancestors arrived on the Juneflower.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. Honk if you love peace and quiet. Pardon my driving, I am reloading. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular? Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.

A un famoso guitarrista le propusieron ofrecer un concierto en algún país de Africa, y éste aceptó. Cuando sobrevolaba la selva el avión en que viajaba se estrelló. Sólo sobrevivió el guitarrista con todo y su guitarra. Al rato de andar por la selva, se le acercó un león con cara de hambriento y luego otro y otro más… En ese momento él se acordó de que había leido que la música calmaba a los animales y muy nervioso se puso a tocar una canción. Los leones se calmaron y acostaron a su alrededor, y el músico se tranquilizó, pensando que se había salvado de morir. De repente, de entre los árboles salió un león furioso y se comió al guitarrista. Uno de los leones que escuchaban le dijo a otro: ¿Ves?, ¡te dije que el sordo nos iba arruinar el concierto!

Whats the kkks wapon of choice?

A chainsaw, because it goes runnigganiggarun…