Old and New Jokes

Phyllis Diller

There are two sides to every issue, and I always agree with both.

While the bar patron savored a double martini, an attractive women sat down next to him. The bartender served her a glass of orange juice, and the man turned to her and said, this is a special day. Im celebrating.

Im celebrating, too, she said, clinking glasses with him.

What are you celebrating? he asked.

For years Ive been trying to have a child, she replied, Today my gynecologist told me Im pregnant!

Congratulations, the man said, lifting his glass. As it happens, Im a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile. But today theyre finally fertile.

How did it happen?

I switched cocks.

Ill drink to that, she said, smiling.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Alec!
Alec who?
Alec my lolly!

Always remember to pillage before you burn.

Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success. Finally they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic cow moose costume and learned the mating call of a cow moose.

The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull. They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, put on their costume and began to give the moose love call.

Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said, OK, lets get out and get him.

After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do!?

The guy in the front says, Well, Im going to start nibbling grass, but if I were you, Id brace myself!

A Soviet emigre doctor gets a call from the Medicaid office. Youve been billing us for weekly house calls to Mr.Ivanov for the last six months. Havent you noticed that Mr.Ivanov has passed away?

Sure I noticed! He was my favorite patient, I visit him at cemetery.

Subject: Y2K Fix

From: Y2K Support Team

Our staff has completed the 18 months of work on time and on budget.

We have gone through everk line of code in everk program in everk skstem. We
have analkzed all databases, all data files, including backups and historic
archives, and modified all data to reflect the change.

We are proud to report that we have completed the Y2K date change mission, and
have now implemented all changes to all programs and all data to reflect kour
new standards:

Januark, Februark, March, April, Mak, June, Julk, August, September, October,
November, December

As well as:

Sundak, Mondak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak, Thursdak, Fridak, Saturdak

I trust that this is satisfactork, because to be honest, none of this Y to K
problem has made ank sense to me. But I understand it is a global problem, and
our team is glad to help in ank wak possible.

Bk the wak, what does the kear 2000 have to do with it? Speaking of which, what
do kou think we ought to do next kear when the two digit kear rolls over from 99
to 00?

Well await kour direction.

On the first day of their Honeymoon, the very naive blond virgin bride slipped into a sexy but sweet nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find that her new Christian husband had settled down on the couch.

When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied, Because its Lent.

Almost in tears, she remarked, Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard! To whom did you lend it, and for how long?

One day a blonde chick was walking with her husband. He said Babe, we have to go to bed more often.

She replied, Why? Do I have bags already?