A guy goes to buy a train ticket, and the girl selling tickets has an incredible set of jugs.
He says, Give me two pickets to Titsburgh…umm…I mean, two tickets to Pittsburgh. Hes really embarrassed…
The guy in line behind him says, Relax, pal. We all make Freudian slips like that.
Just the other day at the breakfast table I meant to say to my wife, Please pass the sugar, but I accidentally said…
You fucking bitch, you wrecked my life!
Q: Why did the blonde keep ice cubes in the freezer?
A: So she could keep the refriderator cold.
En plena clase, a la maestra se le cae el gis al momento de escribir en el pizarrón. Al momento de agacharse a recogerlo, todos los alumnos miran y se rÃen. Amoscada, la profesora se incorpora y reprocha:
¿Hasta dónde viste, Juanito?
Hasta el tobillo, maestra.
Dos dÃas de suspensión, informa con acritud. Y tú, Mario, ¿hasta dónde viste?
Hasta la rodilla, señorita.
Dos semanas de suspensión, declara con enfado. ¿Y Pepito?
¡Ay, maestra, yo vi hasta el año que viene!
Joan, who was rather well-proportioned, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan.
Shed hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.
Excuse me, miss, said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. The Hilton doesnt mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday.
What difference does it make? Joan asked rather calmly. No one can see me up here, and besides, Im covered with a towel.
Not exactly, said the embarrassed man. Youre lying on the dining room skylight.
Whats with the people who put carpeting on the lid of their toilet seat? What are they thinking — Gosh, if we have a party there may not be enough standing room; Id better carpet the toilet too.
Whats with this weird hotel custom of leaving a piece of chocolate on the pillow? I awoke thinking my brain had hemorrhaged some sort of fecal matter.
Have you ever noticed that the waiter who takes your order is not the one who brings your food anymore? What is THAT about? And which waiter are you tipping, anyway? I think next time I go to a restaurant Ill just say, Oh, sorry, I only eat the food. The guy who pays the bill will be along shortly.
Would somebody please explain to me those signs that say, No animals allowed except for Seeing Eye Dogs? Who is that sign for? Is it for the dog, or the blind person?
Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, theyre killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? Sweetheart, lets make up. Have this deceased squirrel.
Cant we just get rid of wine lists? Do we really have to be reminded every time we go out to a nice restaurant that we have no idea what we are doing? Why dont they just give us a trigonometry quiz with the menu?
If airline seat cushions are such great flotation devices, why dont you ever see anyone take one to the beach?
An older man had a young and attractive wife who was always pregnant. Following the birth of their twentieth child, the husband decided it wasnt fair keeping her pregnant all the time.
After considerable soul-searching, he began to consider committing suicide as a possible solution.
He went down into the basement, tied a rope around a ceiling rafter, stood on a chair, tied the other end of the rope around his neck and got ready to jump off and hang himself.
Then he paused, untied the rope, stepped down and said, Wait a minute … I could be hanging an innocent man!
A couple had been married for 40 years and also celebrated their 60th birthdays. During the celebration, a fairy godmother appeared and
said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them one wish each.
Being the faithful, loving spouse for all these years, naturally the wife wanted for her and her husband to have a romantic vacation together, so she wished for them to travel around the world. The fairy
godmother waved her wand and boom! She had the tickets in her hand.
Next, it was the husbands turn and the fairy godmother assured him he could have any wish he wanted, all he needed to do was ask for his hearts desire.
He paused for a moment, then said, Well, honestly, Id like to have a woman 30 years younger than me. The fairy godmother picked up her wand and boom!
He was 90!!
What is the difference between a cat and a comma? One has the paws before the claws and the other has the clause before the pause.
What happens when people of different occupations get old.
– Old programming wizards never die, they just recurse.
– Old quarterbacks never die, they just pass away.
– Old schools never die, they just lose their principals.
– Old sculptors never die, they just lose their marbles.
Earlier this summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an
hour east of Bakersfield, a fellow new to boating was having a problem. No
matter how hard he tried, he just couldnt get his brand new 22-ft Bayliner
to perform. It wouldnt get on a plane at all, and was very sluggish in
almost every maneuver, no matter how much power he supplied.
After about an hour of trying to make it go, he putted over to a nearby
marina. Maybe they could tell him what was wrong.
A thorough topside check revealed everything was in perfect working order.
The engine ran fine, the outdrive went up and down, the prop was the
correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to
check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.
Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.