Old and New Jokes

This ethnically disadvantaged male person goes into the travel agency and proclaims, Ive seen your ad about a $99.00 trip to Hawaii, and Id like to go.

The travel agent says, Listen, friend, this is my first day here, but I know about all the details of that crumby $99.00 offer, and believe me, you DONT want it. Take the next best offer, which is only $1,399.00.

Oh, no you dont, says the Polak, youre not going to catch ME with that bait and switch. The ad says $99.00 to Hawaii, and THATs what I want.

Okay, says the agent, who takes a baseball bat from under the desk and hits the Polak in the head. The Polak wakes up a few hours later, on a raft out in the Pacific Ocean!

He looks around, and theres NOTHING, only he and another Polak on the raft.

What are we going to do? cries our hero, surely theyll send a ship for us.

I dont think so, responds his new-found travelling companion, they didnt LAST YEAR.

A minister gave a talk to the Lions Club on sex.



When he got home he couldnt tell his wife that he had spoken on sex, so he said he had discussed horseback riding with the members.



A few days later, she ran into some men at the shopping center and they complimented her on the speech her husband had made.



She said, Yes, I heard. I was surprised about the subject matter, as hes only tried it twice.



The first time he got so sore he could hardly walk, and the second time he fell off!

The general was confined to the military hospital for treatment of a minor
malady.

For almost a week he made a complete nuisance of himself, irritating both
staff and the other patients, demanding attention and expecting his every
order to be followed immediately. He was in a six-man ward rather than a
private room, his meals were too cold or not served to suit his taste, the
light needed to be adjusted to his demands, the nighttime activities
interfered with his rest… and on, and on.

One afternoon an orderly entered the room. Time to take your temperature,
General.

After growling at the orderly, the general opened his mouth to accept the
thermometer.

Sorry, General, but for this test we need your temperature from the other
end.

A whole new barrage of verbal abuse followed, but the orderly was insistent
that a rectal temperature was what the test called for. The general at last
rolled over, bared his rear, and allowed the orderly to proceed. The orderly
then told the general, Stay exactly like that and dont move. Ill be back
in five minutes to check up on you. and withdrew.

An hour later, the head nurse entered the room, saw the general with his
bare rear in the air and gasped, Whats going on here?

Havent you ever seen someone having their temperature taken? the general
barked.

Yes I have, General, but with a daffodil?

Bill Mullaney
Hewlett-Packard

Yo mamas so stupid, she thought that wu-tang was a japanese orange drink.

Kiss me twice. Im schizophrenic.

An appendix is something found in the back of a book.
Sometimes they get in people and have to be taken out.

He who dies with the most toys is still dead.

knock knock,
whos there?
little boy blue,
little boy blue who?
micheal jackson!

A man visits his aunt in the nursing home. It turns out that she is taking a nap, so he just sits down in a chair in her room, flips through a few magazines, and munches on some peanuts sitting in a bowl on the table.Eventually, the aunt wakes up, and her nephew realizes hes absentmindedly finished the entire bowl. Im so sorry, auntie, Ive eaten all of your peanuts!Thats okay, dearie, the aunt replied. After Ive sucked the chocolate off, I dont care for them anyway.

Your wife has ever said, Come move this transmission so I can take a bath!

Your family tree does not fork.

The flood history of the area can be seen on your living room walls.