Old and New Jokes

…can a homeless combat veteran live in a cardboard box and a draft dodger live in the White House.

Not all banks are as solvent as we imagine them to be. I went into mine the other day and told the loan officer I was interested in a loan.

He smiled and replied, Thats great Mr. Moore! How much can you let us have?

A stick

Ok, this one could offend religous people, people who dislike bad language, people who dislike obvious jokes, people who dislike humour, people who dislike e-mail, etc. Read on…

The Bishop had been planning a relaxing afternoons golf with the Abbot, but was let down at the last minute. Fortunately, he had made the aquaintance of a Sister Mary (who else?) from the local chapel.

Sister Mary was quite flattered to be invited by the Bishop to play Golf, and accepted the offer gladly. When the Bishope missed a putt on the 16th hole, however, she was shocked to hear him say, Fuckin shit, I missed!

Im deeply ashamed of you, said a white-faced Sister Mary.

The Bishop shot her a dirty look and went on to play the 17th hole. Not long afterwards he exclaimed Fuckin shit, I missed!

Im warning you, Bishop, said the Nun piously, God will strike you down if you dont stop using that kind of language.

The Bishop also missed the crucial putt on the 18th hole, and uttered the same curse at full volume. Suddenly there was a deafening clap of thunder, and a blinding flash of lightning, and the nun dissappeared.

A few seconds later a voice boomed from the heavens, FUCKIN SHIT, I MISSED!

July 18
I just tried to connect to America online, which Ive heard is the best online service I can get. I cant connect, I dont know what is wrong.

July 19
Some guy at the tech support center says my computer needs a modem. I dont see why. Hes just trying to cheat me. How dumb does he think I am?

July 20
I bought the modem, I couldnt figure out where it goes though, it wouldnt fit in the monitor or the printer. Im confused.

July 21
I finally got the modem in and hooked up. A three year old next door did it for me.

July 22
The three year old kid next door hooked me up to America online for me. Hes so smart.

July 23
What the heck is the internet? I thought I was on America Online, not this internet thingy. Im confused.

July 24
The three year old kid next door showed me how to use this America Online stuff. He must be a genius at least compared to me.

July 25
I tried to use chat today. I tried to talk into my computer but nothing happened. Maybe I need to buy a microphone.

July 26
I found this thingy called Usenet. I got out of it because Im connected to America Online, not Usenet. I went to the doctor today for my regular checkup. He says that since I connected, My brain has mysteriously shrunk to half its normal size.

July 27
These people in this Usenet thingy keep using capital letters. How do they do that? i never figured out how to type capital letters. Maybe they have a different type of keyboard.

July 28
I found this thingy called the Usenet oracle. It says that it can answer any questions I ask it. I asked it 44 separate questions about the internet. I hope it responds soon.

July 29
I found a group called rec.humor. I decided to post this joke about why the chicken crossed the road. To get to the other side! ha ha! I wasnt sure if i posted it right so I posted it 56 more times.

July 30
I keep hearing about the World Wide Web. I didnt know spiders grew that large.

July 31
The oracle responded to my questions today. Geez, it was rude. I was so angry that I posted an angry message about it to rec.humor.oracle.d. I wasnt sure if it posted right so I posted it 22 more times.

August 1
Someone told me to read the FAQ. Geez, they didnt have to use profanity.

August 2
I just read this post called make money fast. Im so exited, Im going to make lots of money. I followed his instructions and posted it to every newsgroup i could find.

August 3
I just made my signature file. Its only 6 pages long, So I will have to work on it some more.

August 4
I just looked at a group called alt.aol.sucks. I read a few posts and I really believe that aol should be wiped off the face of the Earth. I wonder what an aol is, however.

August 5
I was asking where to find some information about something. Some guy told me to check out ftp.netcom.com. Ive looked and looked, but I cant find that group.

August 6
Some guy suspended my account because of what i was doing. I told him I dont have an account at his bank. Hes so dumb.

Who Says a Blonde is Stupid?

When she took me to the airport and saw a sign that said, Airport left, she turned around and went home.

She has one toe, and bought a pair of flip flops.

She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.

She got stabbed in a shoot-out.

She told me to meet her at the corner of Walk and Dont Walk.

When the computer said Press any key to continue, she couldnt find the Any key.

She thought 2Pac Shakur was a Jewish Holiday.

When I was drowning and yelled for a life saver, she said, Cherry or Grape?

She sat on the TV and watched the couch.

She sent me a fax with a stamp on it.

She was on the corner giving out potato chips, yelling, Free Lays!.

She tried to drown her goldfish.

She thought a quarterback was a refund.

She got locked in a grocery store and nearly starved to death.

If you gave her a penny for her thoughts, youd get change.

They had to burn down the school to get her out of third grade.

She took a spoon to the Super Bowl.

Under Education on her job application, she puts Hooked on Phonics.

She thinks socialism means partying.

She tripped over a cordless phone.

She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

At the bottom of application forms where it says Sign Here, she puts Sagittarius.

She asked for a price check at the dollar store.

If she spoke her mind, shed be speechless.

She stands up on an empty bus.

She studied for a blood test and failed.

She thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center.

She thought Hamburger Helper came with another person.

She thought Meow Mix was a record for cats.

She thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train.

She invented a solar powered flashlight.

She sold the car for gas money.

When she saw the NC-17 (under 17 not admitted) sign, she went home to get 16 friends.

When she heard 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.

She went to Dr. Dre for a pap smear.

She thinks Taco Bell is where you pay your phone bill.

She ordered a cheeseburger from McDonalds and said, Hold the cheese.

When she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 twice instead.

She peels M&Ms to make chocolate chip cookies.

She got locked in Furniture World and slept on the floor.

When she got to the empty 4-way stop, she waited for the other 3 cars to get there.

Q.-Whyd the chicken cross the road? A.- He was attached to Dennis Rodmans head!

Everybody knows there are different opinions to everything. Here are some.

*A smoking section in a restaraunt is like a peeing section in a pool.

*Always look on the negative side, so youll never be dissapointed.

*Men are like snow storms, you never know how many inches youll get, or how long it will last.

What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you? Pull the pin and throw it back.

A woman goes to her doctor and said she wanted and operation done because her vagina lips were much too large.

She then asked the doctor to keep the operation a secret as she didnt want anyone to find out, so the doctor agreed.

She woke up from her operation only to find three roses carefully placed beside her in bed. Outraged she immediately calls in the doctor. She said to him, I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!.

The doctor told her he did not and not to worry. He then continued… The first rose is from me. I felt bad because you went through this all by yourself.

The second one is from my nurse. She assisted me with the operation and she had the operation done herself.

Just then the girl asked about the third rose.

The doctor said: Oh, that rose is from a guy upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears!