Old and New Jokes

One day Fred decided he wanted to take up deer hunting. So Fred went to the local sporting goods stored and asked the shopkepper. I need a really nice gun to hunt deer with

The shopkeeper gave him a gun and said, This gun is perfect for any deer

Taking the gun, and jumping into his Jeep the new hunter went into the woods to search for deer. While looking around for his new sport, he saw nothing. Then, when he was just about ready to give up he saw a Bear in the distance. Not wanting to waste this journey he took aim and, BOOM!! When the smoke cleared to his surprise, no bear.

Suddenly, Fred felt a tap on his shoulder. Turning, he saw the bear.

What the hell do you think you are doing? asked the bear.

Im sorry, I did mean to, Ill never do it again! whined Fred.

Pull down your pants, just so you understand how serious I am explains the Bear.

Reluctantly, Fred does this and WHAM, the bear screws him up the ass.

All pissed off Fred drives away muttering, Im going to get that fuckin bear, no fuckin bear is going to that to me.

Fred goes goes bak to the sporting goods store and buys a larger gun, and goes back to the park.

Looking around he finally sees the bear. Picking up his new larger gun, points, and BOOM!

When the smoke clears, no bear. Fred feels a tap on his shoulder, turns around and theres the bear.

Im sorry, Ill never do it agian, I promise, screams Fred.

I thought I told you not to come back here again, exclaims the bear, now pull down your pants.

Fred does so and the bear fucks him up the ass again.

Fred gets in his jeep and drives away muttering, Thats it, Im going to blow that fuckin bears head clean off

When he gets back to thte sporting goods store he explains to the shopkeeper, I want the largest gun you have, the most powerful.

The shopkeepers hands him a gun and says, This one is great for hunting elephants, no creature on this planet will live after a shot from this

Fred gets back in his jeep and drives back to the woods. Loooking around he spots the bear again. He aims, pulls the trigger, and BBBOOOOOMMMMMM!!!!!!!

When the smoke clears, no bear. Fred scared now, feels a tap on his shoulder, turning around he sees the bear.

Youre not in this for the sport anymore, are you?

The president of ABC decided that it was time to build a new factory. He asked representatives from three development companies to come in and make a bid on the project. The three companies showed up at the scheduled meeting. The president of ABC asked the first company, Bruin Construction, whos president earned his MBA from UCLA, How much will your company charge for this project? 2 million, said Bruin. 1 million for materials and 1 million for labor.

Then president then asks the same question to the second company, Cardinal Construction, whose president earned his MBA from Stanford. Cardinal answered, 3 million, 1.5 million for materials, 1.3 million for labor, and 0.2 million for licenses and permits.

Finally, the president asks the last company , Trojan Construction, whose president earned his MBA from USC. Trojan answered, 4 million.

FOUR MILLION, yelled the president of ABC. How do you breakdown the cost?

Trojan replied, 1 million for you, 1 million for me, and 2 million to get the guy from UCLA to build the factory!

El Presidente de la República se encuentra con tres bellas damas en una discoteca: una pelirroja, una rubia y una morena. Sentándose junto a ellas y dirigiéndose a la pelirroja le hizo la siguiente pregunta: Soy el Presidente de la República; ¿cuánto me cobra por pasar una noche conmigo? A lo que la pelirroja le responde: A Ud. señor Presidente, le cuesta $ 2000.

Luego le hizo la misma pregunta a la rubia, y ésta le respondió: A usted señor Presidente, le cuesta $ 1000.

Al mirar a la morena y hacerle la misma pregunta, ésta fue su respuesta:

Señor Presidente, si usted puede levantar mi falda tan alto como están los impuestos, bajarme los calzones tan bajo como están los sueldos, sacar esa cosa suya y ponérmela tan dura como está la vida, mantenerla tan alta como están los precios y cogerme en esa forma tan dulce y delicada como usted se está cogiendo al pueblo, a usted señor Presidente, NO LE CUESTA NADA.

Every four seconds a woman has a baby.

Our problem is to find this woman and stop her.

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

I believe for every drop of rain that falls, a flower grows. (And a foundation leaks and a ball game gets rained out and a car rusts and…)

Follow your dream! Unless its the one where youre at work in your underwear during a fire drill.

Always take time to stop and smell the roses… and sooner or later, youll inhale a bee.

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone!

If you dont like my driving, dont call anyone. Just take another road. Thats why the highway department made so many of them. If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek. Nothing gets the message across like a good mooning.

When Im feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbors dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

Its always darkest before dawn. So if youre going to steal the neighbors newspaper, thats the time to do it.

A handy telephone tip: Keep a small chalkboard near the phone. That way, when a salesman calls, you can hold the receiver up to it and run your fingernails across it until he hangs up.

Each day I try to enjoy something from each of the four food groups: the bonbon group, the salty-snack group, the caffeine group, and the whatever-the-thing-in-the-tinfoil-in-the-back-of-the-fridge is group.

Into every life some rain must fall. Usually when your car windows are down.

Just remember… You gotta break some eggs to make a real mess on the neighbors car!

When you find yourself getting irritated with someone, try to remember that all men are brothers… and just give them a noogie or an Indian burn.

This morning I woke up to the unmistakable scent of pigs in a blanket. Thats the price you pay for letting the relatives stay over.

Its a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.

Keep your nose to the grindstone and your shoulder to the wheel…its cheaper than plastic surgery.

This land is your land. This land is my land. So stay on your land.

Love is like a roller coaster: when its good you dont want to get off, and when it isnt… you cant wait to throw up.

Received from Douglas V Taylor.

Bush and Osama decided to settle the war once and for all. They sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dogfight. They would have 5 years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever sides dog won would be entitled to dominate the world.

Osama found the biggest, meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and bred them with the meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from the litter, and removed his siblings, which gave him all the milk. After 5 years, they came up with the biggest, meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were 5 thick and nobody could get near it.

When the day came for the dog fight, Bush showed up with a strange looking animal. It was a 9 foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for Bush because there was no way that this dog could possibly last 10 seconds with the Afghanistani dog. When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of its cage, and slowly waddled over towards Osamas dog. Osamas dog snarled and leaped out of its cage and charged the American Dachshund—but when it got close enough to bite, the Dachshund opened its mouth and consumed Osamas dog in one bite. There was nothing left of his dog at all.

Osama came up to Bush, shaking his head in disbelief, We dont understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for 5 years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and the biggest, meanest Siberian wolves.

Thats nothing,, said Bush. We had Michael Jacksons plastic surgeons working for 5 years to make that alligator look like a weenie dog.

GOD BLESS AMERICA!!!!!!!!!

El cura y el chulo del pueblo se encuentran tomando unas cervezas en el bar; cada que entraba una mujer, éste se dirige al clérigo:

“Padre, a esa me la he tirao yo”.

Entraba otra y lo mismo:

Padre, a esa también me la he tirao yo.

Perplejo, y ya cuando el chulo llevaba más de 100 mujeres, el religioso le cuestiona:

“¿Oye y a que tía de este pueblo no te has tirao tú?”

“Pues, padre, a do: mi madre y mi hermana”.

“¡Pues entre tú y yo nos hemos follao a to el pueblo!”

Going to a psyhologist is essentially just lying on a couch.

One day, as Pierre was sitting on his porch, he saw Antoinne coming down the road with a bag in his hand. Hey, Antoinne! What do you have in the bag? Pierre asked.

I have cats in the bag, replied Antoinne.

Why do you have cats in the bag?

Im going to use them to catch the catfish.

Antoinne! You dont use cats to catch catfish!

Wait and see, Pierre.

That evening, Pierre was sitting on his porch again and saw Antoinne coming back up the road with a bag. Hey, Antoinne! What do you have in the bag?

I have catfish in the bag! I used the cats to catch them!

The next day, as Pierre was sitting on his porch, he once again saw Antoinne coming down the road with a bag in his hand. What do you have in your bag today, Antoinne?

I have rats in the bag!

What are you going to do with the rats?

Im going to use them to catch the muskrat!

Antoinne! You cant use the rats to catch the muskrat!

So later that evening, Pierre spotted Antoinne coming back up the road, dragging his bag behind him. What is in the bag now, Antoinne?

I have the muskrat in the bag. I used the rats to catch him.

The third day, as Pierre was sitting on his porch, he saw Antoinne walking down the road with something in his hand. What is that in your hand, Antoinne?

I have pussywillow!

WAIT! Antoinne, Im coming with you!

Eclipse e-klips: What an English barber does for a living.

Eyedropper i-drop-ur: A clumsy ophthalmologist.

Heroes hee-rhos: What a guy in a boat does.