Old and New Jokes

A blonde, a brunette, and a red-head where driving down the road, when a cop starts to chase them.

They rush off and crash into the side of a barn, they immediately jump out of the car and hide under potatoe sacks.

The cop runs in after them, and the first potatoe sack he comes to the brunette is under. He kicks it and the brunette says, MEEEEOOOOOOW, and the cop says, Oh! Its just a stupid cat.

He then moves to the potatoe sack the red-head is under and kicks it. The red-head replies, ROOF, ROOF, the cop, angry now, says, STUPID DOG!!

Then the cop gets to the potatoe sack the blonde is under, he kicks it with great force and the blonde creams, POOOOOOTAAAAAAATOOOOOOOE!

A rather well-proportioned secretary (the blonde), spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. Shed hardly begun when she heard someone run-ning up the stairs; she was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.

Excuse me, miss, said the flustered little assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. The Hilton doesnt mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday.

What difference does it make, Joan asked rather calmly. No one can see me up here, and besides, Im covered with a towel.

Not exactly, said the embarrassed little man. Youre lying on the dining room skylight.

A Soviet visitor to Budapest says to his Hungarian host, You must have such
terrible shortages. The astonished Hungarian asks why he thinks so. The
Soviet visitor replies, Because you have no queues!

From Suddenly, The American Idea at Home and Abroad, George F. Will,
1990, The Free Press, New York.

Q: How many Windows users does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, but she/hell swear up and down that it was JUST as easy for him as it would be for a Macintosh user.

This guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in his tree. He looks in the phone book for a gorilla removal service until he finds one.

Is it a boy or girl Gorilla? the service guy asks.

Boy, is the mans response.

Oh yeah, I can do it. Ill be right there, says the service guy.

An hour later the service guy shows up with a stick, a Chihuahua, a shotgun, and a pair of handcuffs. He then gives the man some instructions: Now, Im going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until he falls. When he does, the trained Chihuahua will bite the gorillas testicles off. The gorilla will then cross his hands to protect himself and allow you to put the handcuffs on him.

The man asks, What do I do with the shotgun?

The service guy replies, If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla, shoot the Chihuahua.

What is grosser than gross?

Having a dream about chocolate pudding and then waking up with a spoon in your butt?

Theorem: n=n+1

Proof:
(n+1)^2 = n^2 + 2*n + 1

Bring 2n+1 to the left:
(n+1)^2 – (2n+1) = n^2

Substract n(2n+1) from both sides and factoring, we have:
(n+1)^2 – (n+1)(2n+1) = n^2 – n(2n+1)

Adding 1/4(2n+1)^2 to both sides yields:
(n+1)^2 – (n+1)(2n+1) + 1/4(2n+1)^2 = n^2 – n(2n+1) + 1/4(2n+1)^2

This may be written:
[ (n+1) – 1/2(2n+1) ]^2 = [ n – 1/2(2n+1) ]^2

Taking the square roots of both sides:
(n+1) – 1/2(2n+1) = n – 1/2(2n+1)

Add 1/2(2n+1) to both sides:
n+1 = n

So theres this magician working on a small cruise ship. Hes been doing his
routines every night for a year or two now. The audiences appreciate him, and
they change over often enough that he doesnt have to worry too much about
new tricks. However, theres this parrot who sits in the back row and watches
him night after night, year after year. Finally, the parrot figures out how
the tricks work and starts giving it away for the audience. For example, when
the magician makes a bouquet of flowers disappear, the parrot squawks Behind
his back! Behind his back! Well, the magician get really annoyed at this,
but he doesnt know what to do. The parrot belongs to the Captain, so he
cant just kill it.

One day, the ship springs a leak and sinks. The magician manages to swim to a
plank of wood floating by and grabs on. The parrot is sitting on the other
end of the plank. The just stare at each other and drift. They drift for 3
days and still dont speak. On the morning of the fourth day, the parrot
looks over at the magician and says: OK, I give up. Where did you hide the
ship?

Reasons to believe computers are male:

1. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.



2. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.



3. As soon as you commit to one you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have obtained a better model.

A man and a women were married for 40 years. When they first got married the man said I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it. In all their 40 years of marriage the woman never looked.

However on the afternoon of their 40th anniversary curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $1874.25 in small bills. She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why.

That evening they were out for a special dinner at their favorite restaurant. After dinner the woman could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying: I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked. However today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the cans in the box?

The man thought for a while and said: I guess after all these wonderful years you deserve to know the truth: Whenever I was unfaithful to you I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again.

The woman was shocked, but said: I am very disappointed and saddened but I guess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen and I guess that 3 times is not that bad considering the number of years involved.

They hugged and made their peace. A little while later the woman asked the man: Why do you have all That money in the box? To which the man answered:

Whenever the box filled with empties, I cashed them in.