En la noche de bodas, el novio se da cuenta que la novia no era virgen.
¿Qué no eres virgen?, le pregunta con asombro y enojo.
Ella le responde tranquilamente: No, pero tú tampoco eres San José ¡Cabrón! Y esto no es una pastorela, asà que concéntrate y no me hagas perder el tiempo.
A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. Tim, you be first, she said. What does your mother do all day? Tim stood up and proudly said, Shes a doctor.
Thats wonderful. How about you, Amie?
Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, My father is a mailman. Thank you, Amie, said the teacher. What about your father, Billy? Billy proudly stood up and announced, My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse.
The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billys house and rang the bell. Billys father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation.
Billys father said, Im actually an attorney. How can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?
It was the first day of school and a new student, the son of a Japanese businessman, Toshiba, entered the fourth grade.
The teacher greeted the class and said, Lets begin by reviewing some American history. Who said Give me Liberty, or give me death?
She saw only a sea of blank faces, except for that of Toshiba, who had his hand up. Patrick Henry, 1775, said the boy.
Now, said the teacher, who said Government of the people, by the people, for the people shall not perish from the earth?
Again, no response except from Toshiba: Abraham Lincoln, 1863.
The teacher snapped at the class, You should be ashamed. Toshiba, who is new to our country, knows more about it than you do.
As she turned to write something on the blackboard, she heard a loud whisper: Damned Japanese.
Who said that? she demanded.
Toshiba put his hand up. Lee Iacocca, 1982, he said.
At that point, feeling completely disgusted by Toshibas classroom superiority, a student in the back sighed, Im gonna throw up.
Teacher says Who said that?.
Again, Toshiba raises his hand and says George Bush to Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.
Now furious, another student yells, Oh yeah? Well, suck my….
Once again, its Toshiba with the answer, Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997.
You do all of your Christmas shopping at a truck stop.
After 17 years of marriage, a man dumped his wife for a younger woman.
The downtown luxury apartment was in his name and he wanted to remain there with his new love.
He asked his wife to move out, with the understanding that he would buy her another place.
The wife agreed to this, but asked that she be given 3 days on her own there, to pack up her things.
The first day she lovingly put her personal belongings into boxes, crates, and suitcases.
The second day she had the movers come and collect her things.
The third day, she sat down for the last time at their candlelit dining room table, soft music playing in the background, and feasted on a pound of shrimp and a bottle of Chardonnay.
When she had finished, she went into each room, and deposited a few of the resulting shrimp shells into the hollow of the curtain rods.
She then cleaned the kitchen and left.
The husband came back with his new girl, and all was bliss for the first few days. Then it started, slowly but surely.
Clueless, the man could not explain why the place smelled so bad.
They tried everything; they cleaned, mopped, and aired the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, carpets were steam cleaned, air fresheners were hung everywhere.
Exterminators were brought in; the carpets were replaced, and on it went.
Finally,they couldnt take it any more, and decided to move.
The Moving Company arrived and did a very professional packing job, taking everything to their new home…
…including the curtain rods.
A man in a state of excessive inebriation rolled up at a fairground rifle range booth and threw down the necessary money. The booth operator at first refused to let him have a turn, considering that his inebriated state would endanger the public. But the drunk insisted and was given a gun.
He aimed unsteadily in the general direction of the target and after tying to focus, pulled the trigger three times. The booth owner, on inspecting the target, was astonished to see that he had scored three bullseyes. The star prize for the evening was a large set of glassware, but the showman was certain that the drunk wasnt aware of what he had done, and gave him instead a consolation prize, a turtle. The drunk wandered off into the crowd.
An hour or so later he came back, even more drunk than before. Once again the showman demurred, but once again the drunk insisted, and once more scored three bullseyes and was given another turtle.
Eventually the drunk rolled up again and insisted on a third attempt. Once more he picked up the rifle, waved it around in the general direction of the target, and pulled the trigger three times. Once more he had scored three bullseyes. But this time there was an onlooker with good eyesight.
Thats fantastic, the man said. Hasnt he scored three bulls?
The showman, cursing his luck, made a play of going over to the target and inspecting it closely.
Yes Sir! , he announced to the crowd. This is fantastic! Congratulations, sir, you have won the star prize, this magnificent 68-piece set of glassware
I dont want any bloody glasses, the drunk replied. Give me another one of those delicious crusty meat pies.
God says to Adam, I have some good news and some bad news. What do you want to hear first?
Adam says, Tell me the good news first.
God says, Im going to give you a penis and a brain. Youll derive from these great pleasure and great intellect.
Adam replies, Wonderful! But whats the bad news?
God says, Im only going to give you enough blood supply to work one at a time.
Jack, a New York stock broker, decides to chuck it all and buy a
ranch. He finds a big place in Montana, far away from everything, and
moves in.
After a few weeks of blissful solitude, Jack is sitting on his
front porch, and he sees a pickup truck driving up his road.
A cowboy sort gets out of the truck and introduces himself, Hey
there, my names Tom, and I came to welcome you to our neck of the world.
I live about 20 miles from here, so I guess Im your nearest neighbor.
Jack shakes the proffered hand and says, Thanks for the welcome,
I sure have enjoyed my stay so far.
Tom leans against the railing and says, You know, Im having a
party at my place tomorrow night, if youd like to come, we could sorta
turn it into a welcome party for you..
Jack smiles, Id like that.
Tom looks thoughtful, I ought to warn you though, round these
parts we do some serious fucking and sucking at our parties.
Jack grins wide, Even better! What should I wear?
Tom shrugs, Well, itll pretty much be you and me, so I guess
you can wear whatever you want…
(you can thank my dad for this one)
If ya really want that new job, you may want to avoid saying these:
You could do worse. Ill work so hard you wont even know Im there. Ill need all my paid vacation time up front so Ill be rested when I start. You cant turn me down because I smell bad. You have to have a reason. If you call the people I listed as references, please call my parole officer last. That big thing growing on my face isnt my fault. I dont do drugs at work any more. And I probably wont I can go all day without peeing once. If you hired my dumbass brother then you can surely hire me. If you hire me I promise not to say anything about the your wicked bad breath. I wont sue you when you fire me. My arrest record is all a bunch of lies. Iff you kin reed my handriting, aint that gud enuff fer me to get the job? I was a sniper in the Army. The only reason my grades in High School was so bad was because all the teachers thought I was stupid because I didnt pass the tests. They wasnt being fair to me because they dont like me. I can make explosives from Windex, white-out, and copy machine toner. If you hire me you can blow your nose on my sleeve any time you want to. Ill need a company car and a driver because I cant legally drive anywhere in the Western Hemisphere except Cuba and it sucks to go there. If you hire me dont tell the Welfare until I get my Jeep paid off. The sticky stuff on my sleeve isnt what you think. You dont have the BALLS to hire someone like me! If you hire me I will show up. Thats all I can promise for sure, but maybe it will be better than that and I will sure try. When do we eat? How long do I have to work here before I can collect unemployment again? Dont go checking into my record, but if you do, she swore she was
18. I dont hear the voices anymore. Do not. Do not. Do not. SHUT UP!!! If you give me a job youre OK but if you dont you suck. I dont DO applications. If I work here Ill wear the stupid uniform as long as I can wear any kind of underwear I want. This will be my first job since the Beatles broke up because they really pissed me off! I wont have to do anything, will I If I get sick on the job, will I have to clean up my own puke? Can I bring my goat to the company daycare center? I collect guns. You probably want to tell me that I got the job now, right? Im not what? Oh yeah? Well heres what you can do with your friggin job…
A boy was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his parents, "How was I born?""Well honey…" said the slightly prudish parent, "the stork brought you to us.""Oh," said the boy. "Well, how did you and daddy get born?" he asked."Oh, the stork brought us too.""Well how were grandpa and grandma born?" he persisted."Well darling, the stork brought them too!" said the parent, by now starting to squirm a little in the Lazy Boy recliner.Several days later, the boy handed in his paper to the teacher who read with confusion the opening sentence:
"This report has been very difficult to write due to the fact that there hasnt been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations."