There was once an aspiring veterinarian who put himself through veterinary school working nights as a taxidermist.
Upon graduation, he decided he could combine his two vocations to better serve the needs of his patients and their owners, while doubling his practice and, therefore, his income.
He opened his own offices with a shingle on the door saying,
Dr. Jones, Veterinary Medicine and Taxidermy : Either way, you get your dog back!
You think you might remember laughing once as a kid.
For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Two young men were arrested for smoking marijuana and went before the judge. The judge said, You seem like nice young men. Id like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. Ill see you back in court on Monday.
Come Monday, the judge asked the first young man how he did over the weekend. Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever.
Seventeen people? Thats wonderful. What did you tell them?
I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles on a piece of paper — one the size of a silver dollar and the other the size of a dime. I told them, The big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs.
Thats admirable, said the judge. And you, how did you do?
Your honor, the second young man began, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever.
156 people! Thats amazing! How did you do it?
Well, I used the same two circles, but when I pointed to the small circle I said, This is your rectum before prison….
A truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying
NERDS NOT ALLOWED–ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!
He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says he smells kind of nerdy, asks him what he does for a living.
The truck driver says he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling.
The bartender says OK, truck drivers are not nerds, and serves him a beer. As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long.
The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away.
The truck driver asks him why he did that. The bartender said not to worry, the nerds are over-populating the Silicon Valley, and are in season now. You dont even need a license, he said.
So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway.
He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He cant let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly.
A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.
The truck driver said, Whats wrong? I thought nerds were in season.
Well, sure. said the patrolman, But you cant bait em.
One day a guy died and found himself in hell. As he was wallowing in despair, he had his first meeting with a demon. The demon asked, Why so glum?
The guy responded, What do you think? Im in hell!
Hells not so bad, the demon said. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?
Sure, the man said, I love to drink.
Well youre gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab and Fresca. We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!
The guy is astounded. Damn, that sounds great.
You a smoker? the demon asked.
You better believe it!
Youre gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, no biggie. Youre already dead, remember?
Wow, the guy said, thats awesome!
The demon continued. I bet you like to gamble.
Why yes, as a matter of fact I do.
Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, youre dead anyhow. You into drugs?
The guy said, Are you kidding? I love drugs! You dont mean …
Thats right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, youre dead, who cares!
Wow, the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, I never realized Hell was such a cool place!
The demon said, You gay?
No.
Ooooh, youre gonna hate Fridays.
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A man walked into a pet store looking for a new pet for his wife.
So he asked the salesman for some assistance. The salesguy brought the man to a parrot in the back.
Now this is the perfect pet for your wife, Chet is an very special animal the salesman said.
What makes him so special? the man asked.
The salesman took a lighter from his pocket and held it under the Chets right foot, and Chet started to sing Jingle bells, jingle bells.. and then the salesman held the lighter under is left foot and Chet started to sing Deck the halls…
So the man asked, What happens if you hold the lighter between his feet?
Well I dont know answered the salesman.
So he holds the lighter between the parrots legs and instantly Chet began to sing…
Chets nuts roasting on an open fire…
A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.
Look at their reserve, their calm, muses the Brit. They must be British.
Nonsense, the Frenchman disagrees. Theyre naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French.
No clothes, no shelter, the Russian points out, they have only an apple to eat, and theyre being told this is paradise. They are Russian Jews.
What do you call Magic Johnson on rollerblades?
ROLLAIDS!
A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, looking at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out of the Bible and he picked up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree. The leaf had been pressed in between pages.
Momma, look what I found, the boy called out.
What have you got there, dear? his mother asked.
With astonishment in the young boys voice he answered: Its Adams suit!!!!!