I heard Mort Sahl tell this story about Al Haig on the CBS
morning TV program on March 24, 1987; this version is
paraphrased from my notes.
When Prime Minister Nakasone visited President Reagan, he
asked for the auto import restrictions to be rescinded,
saying Weve had a rougher time of it; consider
Hiroshima.
The Gipper was nonplused. What has that got to do
with it?
Well, weve never destroyed one of your cities,
replied Nakasone.
Quickly Haig cut in: What about Detroit?
A woman walks into a bar with her 5 pound Chihuahua and sits down next to this guy, whom she notices is feeling a little bit queasy. A few minutes go buy and the guy looks at her and blows his chunks. He looks down and sees the little dog struggling in a pool of vomit and says, Whoa, I dont remember eating that!
100 Reasons Its Great to be a Guy!
1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
2. Movie nudity is virtually always female.
3. You know stuff about cars.
4. A five day vacation requires only one suitcase.
5. Monday Night Football.
6. You dont have to monitor your friends sex lives.
7. Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
8. You can open all your own jars.
9. Old friends dont give you crap if youve lost or gained weight.
10. Dry cleaners and haircutters dont rob you blind.
11. When clicking through the channel, you dont have to stall on every shot of someone crying.
12. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
13. All your orgasms are real.
14. A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex.
15. Guys in hockey masks dont attack you.
16. You dont have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.
17. You understand why Stripes is funny.
18. You can go to the bathroom with out a support group.
19. Your last name stays put.
20. You can leave a hotel bed unmade.
21. When your work is criticized, you dont have to panic that everyone secretly hates you.
22. You can kill your own food.
23. The garage is all yours.
24. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
25. You see the humor in Terms of Endearment.
26. Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.
27. You never have to clean the toilet.
28. You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.
29. Sex means never worrying about your reputation.
30. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
31. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
32. Your underwear is $10 for a three pack.
33. The National College Cheerleading Championship
34. None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry.
35. You dont have to shave below your neck.
36. You dont have to curl up next to a hairy ass every nite.
37. If youre 40 and single nobody notices.
38. You can write your name in the snow.
39. You can get into a nontrivial pissing contest.
40. Everything on your face stays its original color.
41. Chocolate is just another snack.
42. You can be president.
43. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.
44. Flowers fix everything.
45. You never have to worry about other peoples feelings.
46. You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.
47. You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
48. Three pair of shoes are more than enough.
49. You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
50. You can say anything and not worry about what people think.
51. Foreplay is optional.
52. Michael Bolton doesnt live in your universe.
53. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into the room.
54. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
55. You dont have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming by.
56. You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.
57. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
58. You dont give a rats ass if someone notices your new haircut.
59. You can watch a game in silence with you buddy for hours without even thinking (He must be mad at me)
60. The world is your urinal.
61. You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is about to leave you.
62. You get to jump up and slap stuff.
63. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
64. One mood, all the time.
65. You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.
66. You never have to drive to another gas station because this ones just too yucky.
67. You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
68. You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you are wearing.
69. Same work….more pay.
70. Gray hair and wrinkles add character.
71. You dont have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.
72. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
73. You dont care if someone is talking about you behind your back.
74. With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the earths population in 15 tries, at least in theory.
75. You dont mooch off others desserts.
76. If you retain water, its in a canteen.
77. The remote is yours and yours alone.
78. People never glance at your chest when youre talking to them.
79. ESPNs sports center.
80. You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.
81. Bachelor parties whip ass over bridal showers.
82. You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
83. You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.
84. You neednt pretend youre freshening up to go to the bathroom.
85. If you dont call your buddy when you say you will, he wont tell your friends youve changed.
86. Someday youll be a dirty old man.
87. You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase Fuck it!
88. If an other guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies.
89. Princess Dis death was almost just another obituary.
90. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
91. You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because youre not in the mood.
92. You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny.
93. If something mechanical didnt work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room.
94. New shoes dont cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
95. Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.
96. You dont have to remember everyones birthdays and anniversaries.
97. Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.
98. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: So, notice anything different?
99. Baywatch
100. There is always a game on somewhere
Did you here Mr. Clean is in the hospital? He has ammonia.
A fellow finds himself in front of the Pearly Gates. St. Peter explains that its not so easy to get in heaven. There are some criteria before entry is allowed.
For example, was the man religious in life? Attend church? No? St. Peter told him thats bad.
Was he generous? give money to the poor? Charities? No? St. Peter told him that that too was bad.
Did he do any good deeds? Help his neighbor? Anything? No? St. Peter was becoming concerned.
Exasperated, Peter says, Look, everybody does something nice sometime. Work with me, Im trying to help. Now think!
The man says, There was this old lady. I came out of a store and found her surrounded by a dozen Hells Angels. They had taken her purse and were shoving her around, taunting and abusing her.
I got so mad I threw my bags down, fought through the crowd, and got her purse back. I then helped her to her feet. I then went up to the biggest, baddest biker and told him how despicable, cowardly and mean he was and then spat in his face.
Wow, said Peter, Thats impressive. When did this happen?
Oh, about 10 minutes ago, replied the man.
Did you hear about the guy who went into a bar to watch the UCLA-USC game last year, and had a little dog with him?
The bartender told him he needed to take the dog outside, but the guy told him that the dog was a huge football fan. Every time UCLA scored a touchdown, the dog would bark, wag his tail and run around excitedly.
At the end of the game, when UCLA had won, the dog did a back flip! The bartender was amazed.
Thats great, he said. But what does he do if USC wins?
The guy said, I dont know. The dogs only 7 years old!
Guy:how do you like your eggs in the morning?
woman:unfertilized
Guy:my place or yours??
Woman:both,Ill go to mine and youll go to yours!
Guy:is this seat empty?
Woman:yeah,and this one will be if you sit down!
Guy:Hey baby whats your sign?
Woman:Do not enter
Guy:I would go to the end of the world for you!
Woman:Yeah, but would you stay there?
Guy:If I saw you naked,Id die happy!
Woman:If I saw you naked,Id probably die laughing.
Guy:Have I seen you someplace before?
Woman:Yeah,thats why I dont go there anymore!
Guy:what do you do for a living?
Woman:Im a female impersonator.
Guy:your body is like a temple!
Woman:Sorry,there are no services today.
there is a clever blonde, santa, and an office worker all in an elevtor, there is 5 dollars on the floor. who picks it up
The office worker, because the other 2 dont exist!
After much soul searching and having determined the husband was infertile, the childless couple decided to try artificial insemination.
When the woman showed up at the clinic, she was told to undress from the waist down, get on the table and place her feet in the stirrups.
She was feeling rather awkward about the entire procedure when the doctor came in. Her anxiety was not diminished by the sight of him pulling down his pants!
Wait a minute! What the hell is going on here? yelped the woman, pulling herself into a sitting position.
Dont you want to get pregnant? asked the doctor. Well, yes, I do, answered the woman.
Then lie back and spread em, replied the doctor. Were all out of the bottled stuff… Youll just have to settle for whats on tap!
A burglar breaks into a lawyers house and takes all his Christmas presents from under the tree.
He gets out, but the police nab him.
The thief says, You cant arrest me, cause Im entitled to the presents of an attorney.