I dont go to church. Kneeling bags my nylons.

People have one thing in common: they are all different.

Yo mama so fat she plays pool with the planets.

A lady was walking past a pet store when a parrot said, Hey, lady! Youre really ugly!" The lady was furious and continued on her way.On the way home, she passed by the petstore again and the parrot once more said "Hey, lady! Youre really ugly!" She was incrediblyticked now, so she wentinto the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The storemanager apologized profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didnt say it again.The next day, she deliberately passed by the store to test the parrot. "Hey, lady!" it said."Yes?""You know."

1. A NUMBER OF DIFFERENT APPROACHES ARE BEING TRIED

– We are still pissing in the wind.

2. EXTENSIVE REPORT IS BEING PREPARED ON A FRESH APPROACH TO THE PROBLEM

– We just hired three kids fresh out of college.

3. CLOSE PROJECT COORDINATION

– We know who to blame.

4. MAJOR TECHNOLOGICAL BREAKTHROUGH

– It works OK, but looks very hi-tech.

5. CUSTOMER SATISFACTION IS DELIVERED ASSURED

– We are so far behind schedule the customer is happy to get it delivered.

6. PRELIMINARY OPERATIONAL TESTS WERE INCONCLUSIVE

– The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.

7. TEST RESULTS WERE EXTREMELY GRATIFYING

– We are so surprised that the stupid thing works.

8. THE ENTIRE CONCEPT WILL HAVE TO BE ABANDONED

– The only person who understood the thing quit.

9. IT IS IN THE PROCESS

– It is so wrapped up in red tape that the situation is about hopeless.

10. WE WILL LOOK INTO IT

– Forget it! We have enough problems for now.

11. PLEASE NOTE AND INITIAL

– Lets spread the responsibility for the screw up.

12. GIVE US THE BENEFIT OF YOUR THINKING

– Well listen to what you have to say as long as it doesnt interfere with what weve already done.

13. GIVE US YOUR INTERPRETATION

– I cant wait to hear this bull!

14. SEE ME or LETS DISCUSS

– Come into my office, Im lonely.

15. ALL NEW

– Parts not interchangeable with the previous design.

16. RUGGED

– Too damn heavy to lift!

17. LIGHTWEIGHT

– Lighter than RUGGED.

18. YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT

– One finally worked.

19. ENERGY SAVING

– Achieved when the power switch is off.

20. LOW MAINTENANCE

– Impossible to fix if broken.

This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbors pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is dead and the guy panics. He thinks the neighbors are going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house and gives it a bath, blow dries its fur and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the neighbors house, hoping they will think it died of natural causes. A few days later, the neighbor is outside and asks the guy, Did you hear that Fluffy died? The guy stammers and says, Um…no…um…what happened?. The neighbor replies, We just found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him we went outside and someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There must be some real sick people out there!

Q: Why couldnt the blonde write the number ELEVEN?

A: She didnt know what ONE came first…

A couple are out golfing when the husband hits his ball over a grove of trees and they hear the sound of breaking glass.

They hurry around the trees and see a man standing beside a broken bottle. He explains he is a genie, he was being held prisoner in the bottle, the golf ball broke it and freed him. He is very grateful and will grant them three wishes.

They both ask for a Cadillac and then decide a million dollars apiece would be ideal.

Your wishes are granted, the man says to the husband. Now that Ive granted you three wishes, I wonder if youd grant me one? Your wife is very attractive and Id love to have sex with her.

The couple talks it over and after getting two Cadillacs and a million bucks apiece, the husband says, OK, why not?

His wife and the man stroll into a nearby woods, have very enjoyable sex and then head back towards the fairway where the husband is waiting.

By the way, how old is your husband?

Hes forty two.

No kidding, and he still believes in genies?

In a military training camp some recruits get educated in parachuting. After some weeks of training on the ground they have to do their first jump.
Before the jump the instructor recalls, You leave the air plane, count till three and pull the cord. The parachute should open then. If it does not, pull the emergency cord. Then the emergency parachute will open. On the ground there is a lorry waiting. We will meet on the lorry again. Good luck!

The first recruit jumps, counts till three and pulls the cord. Nothing happens. He pulls the emergency cord. Nothing happens. The recruit is not surprised and says, As far as I know the army, I bet the lorry will not be there, either.

Joke found on http://www.doorseva.com

Some men in a pickup truck drove to a lumber yard.

One of the men walked into the office and said, We need some four-by-twos.

The clerk asked, You mean two-by-fours, dont you?

The man said, Ill go check, and went back to the truck.

He returned shortly and said, Yeah, I meant two-by-four.

All right. How long do you need them?

The customer paused for a moment and said, Id better go check.

After a while, he returned to the office and said, –

A long time. Were gonna build a house…