Little Johnny s next door neighbors had a baby.
Unfortunately, the little baby was born with no ears.
When they arrived home from the hospital, the parents invited Little Johnnys family to come over and see their new baby. Little Johnnys parents were very afraid that their son would have a wise crack to say about the baby so the dad had a long talk with little Johnny before going to the neighbors.
He said Now, son… that poor baby was born without any ears. I want you to be on your best behavior and not say one word about his ears or I am really going to spank you when we get back home.
I promise not to mention his ears at all said Little Johnny.
At the neighbors home, Little Johnny leaned over in the crib and touched the babys hand He looked at its mother and said Oh What a Beautiful little baby. The mother said Thank you very much, Little Johnny.
He then said, this baby has perfect little hands and perfect little feet. Why… just look at his pretty little eyes…. Did his doctor say that he can see good?
The Mother said why, yes Johnny… his doctor said he has 20/20 vision.
Little Johnny said well, its a darn good thing, cause he sure couldnt wear glasses!!!
A man had been out in the back woods for weeks, cutting logs. He was a bit scruffy and didnt smell very good. Finally he needed a break and came in to town for a few beers.
In the bar, he saw the local jock of the towns football team. He was bragging about his girlfriend and how she was lucky to have him for a boyfriend.
The lumberjack, after drinking six bottles of beer, was heard to say, Buddy, if she went out with me, shed never go out with you ever again.
To which the local jock replied, Hey buddy, if she went out with you, shed never go out with ANYONE ever again.
it says: Australia-Land of strong men (and nervous sheep)
Whats an orgasm, mom? I dont know, dear…ask your father.
Mirror, mirror
on the wall
Do you have to tell it all?
Where do you get the glaring right
To make my clothes look just too tight?
I think Im fine but I can see
you wont cooperate with me;
The way you let the shadows play
Youd think my hair was getting gray
Whats that, you say? A double chin?
No, thats the way the light comes in;
If you persist in peering so
Youll confiscate my facial glow,
And then if youre not hanging straight
Youll tell me next Im gaining weight;
Im really quite upset with you
For giving this distorted view;
I hate you being smug and wise –
O, look whats happened to my thighs!
I warn you now, O mirrored wall,
Since were not on speaking terms at all,
If I look like this in my new jeans
Youll find yourself in smithereens!
This duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender, Do you have any grapes?
The bartender says no, and the duck leaves.
The next day, the duck returns and asks, Do you have any grapes? The bartender again says no, and the duck leaves.
Two days later the duck returns walks up to the bar and asks the bartender, Do you have any grapes?
The bartender, losing his patience, screams at the duck, I told you duck, I dont have any grapes and if you ask me again I will nail your feet to the floor!!
The duck looked startled and leaves.
Two days later the duck returns walks up to the bar and asks the bartender, Do you have any nails?
The bartender replied, No, and the duck said, Good! Got any grapes?
Una bella poetisa se pasea por la ribera de un rÃo y se acerca a un galante pescador, que está sacando sus redes del agua, y le pregunta:
¿A qué te dedicas, buen hombre?
Soy pescador, señorita. ¿A qué se dedica usted?
Yo soy poetisa. Si quiere, en este momento le compongo un poema.
¡Me encantarÃa!, responde el hombre.
DÃgame, ¿cuál es su nombre?
Juan Padilla, a sus órdenes.
La poetisa se inspira y recita:
Al valiente pescador, Juan Padilla, le llega el agua hasta la rodilla.
Ah, señorita, eso es muy fácil; a ver, dÃgame su nombre:
Mi nombre es Teresita Angulo.
Inspirándose, el pescador declama:
A la bella poetisa, Teresita Angulo, le llega el agua hasta la rodilla.
¡Pero, señor, eso no rima!, reclama Teresita.
¡Espere a que suba la marea, mi reina!
Una moto (un Vespino) se pone al lado de un Ferrari para pedirle fuego y el tÃo del coche mira el marcador y ve que va 200 x hora y le pisa más, y el Vespino se pone otra vez al lado y le pide fuego y el del Ferrari mira otra vez el marcador y ve que va 260, y le pisa más.
El Vespino insiste y se pone al lado otra vez y le vuelve a pedir fuego y el tÃo del Ferrari baja la ventanilla y le dice:
¡Que te vas a matar!
Y dice el del Vespino:
¡Que va hombre, si yo fumo poco!
An army Major visits the sick soldiers, goes up to one private and asks –
Whats your problem, Soldier?
Chronic syphilis, Sir!
What treatment are you getting?
Five minutes with the wire brush each day, Sir!
Whats your ambition?
To get back to the front lines, Sir!
Good man! says the Major.
He goes to the next bed.
Whats your problem, Soldier?
Chronic piles, Sir!
What treatment are you getting?
Five minutes with the wire brush each day, Sir!
Whats your ambition?
To get back to the front lines, Sir!
Good man! says the Major.
He goes to the next bed.
Whats your problem, Soldier?
Chronic gum disease, Sir!
What treatment are you getting?
Five minutes with the wire brush each day, Sir!
Whats your ambition?
To get to the front of the line and get the wire brush before the other two – Sir!
The French national anthem is mayonnaise.