Old and New Jokes

THE MINISTRY OF HEALTH HAS PROPOSED THAT WARNING SIGNS BE PLACED ON BOOZE BOTTLES TO TIP OFF DRINKERS ABOUT THE POSSIBLE PERIL OF POUNDING A PINT OR TWO.

1. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with breath that could knock a buzzard off a sewer truck at 100 yards.

2. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.

3. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.

4. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

5. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you REALLY think while photocopying your butt at the office Christmas party.

6. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.

7. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell ever happened to your pants anyway.

8. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you cant remember).

9. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead.

10. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Psycho.

Edwin Land is famous for inventing the Land Camera, also known as the Polaroid – the first instant camera. But he could invent just about anything he turned his mind to. Once his wife, in desperation, asked him to invent something to shut the dogs up! Seems they had two bull misstifs that could raise a terrible racket when they got excited.

So Edwin set his mind to it and invented a speaker that would shout at the dogs when their noise got to an intollerable decibel level. Since his was the only voice they would obey, the recorded message was in his own voice. And it worked; when the voice boomed out, it quieted them instantly.

But, one evening the Lands were having a party and the house was full of guests, really making merry and whooping it up. The noise kept getting louder and louder, until finally a slamming door did it: it reached the decibel level to activate the speaker.

BE QUIET! SIT! And of course all the guests, recognizing the masters voice did, heeding both of the commands: they all shut up and sat down.

I wonder if Edwin could invent a good excuse?

How do you Sink an Irish Battleship?Put it in Water.

Twas the night before Christmas and all through the kitchen;
I was cooking and baking and moanin and bitchin.

Ive been here for hours, I cant stop to rest.
This rooms a disaster, just look at this mess!

Tommorow Ive got thirty people to feed.
They expect all the trimmings. Who cares what I need!

My feet are both blistered, Ive got cramps in my legs.
The cat just knocked over a bowl full of eggs.

Theres a knock at the door and the telephones ringing;
frosting drips on the counter as the microwaves dinging.

Two pies in the oven, desserts almost done;
my cookbook is soiled with butter and crumbs.

Ive had alI I can stand, I cant take anymore;
Then in walks my husband, spilling rum on the floor.

He weaves and he wobbles, his balance unsteady;
then grins as he chuckles The eggnog is ready!

He looks all around and with total regret,
says Whats taking so long … arent you through in here yet??

As quick as a flash I reach for a knife;
He loses an earlobe; I wanted his life!

He flees from the room in terror and pain
and screams MY GOD WOMAN, YOURE GOING INSANE!!

Now what was I doing, and what is that smell?
Oh shit its the pies!! Theyre burned all to hell!!

I hate to admit when I make a mistake,
but I put them on BROIL instead of on BAKE.

What else can go wrong?? Is there still more ahead??
If this is good living, Id rather be dead.

Lord, dont get me wrong, I love holidays;
It just leaves me exhausted, all shakey and dazed.

But I promise you one thing, If I live till next year,
You wont find me pulling my hair out in here.

Ill hire a maid, a cook, and a waiter;
and if that doesnt work, ILL HAVE IT ALL CATERED!!!

Q: Whats the difference between Bill Clinton and David Koresh?
A: Koresh only burned 85 people.

Varias amigas estaban de vacaciones cuando vieron, en un hotel de 5 pisos, un cartel que decía:

PROSTÍBULO PARA MUJERES.

Las chicas se emocionaron y, como no estaban con sus novios ni con sus padres, decidieron entrar. El portero, un trolo divino, les explicó el funcionamiento:

Mariposas, tenemos 5 pisos. Vayan subiendo piso por piso hasta donde encuentren lo que buscan y ahí se quedan. Es muy fácil, hay carteles por todos lados

Las mujeres subieron al primer piso y delante de la puerta se encontraron con un aviso que decía:

Aquí todos los hombres la tenemos cortita y finita.

Las chicas se rieron y sin dedicarle ni un solo pensamiento a los infelices del primero, subieron al segundo piso. Delante de la puerta había un cartel que avisaba:

Aquí todos los hombres la tenemos larga y finita.

Todavía no parecía demasiado bueno, así que se dirigieron al tercer piso a ver si daban con los modelos perfectos. Al llegar leyeron un letrero:

Aquí todos los hombres la tenemos cortita y gruesa.

Esa era otra decepción, pero aún quedaban dos pisos por explorar, así que no se detuvieron y ascendieron al cuarto. Allí las aguardaba el cartel perfecto:

Aquí todos los hombres la tenemos larga y gruesa.

Todas las mujeres gritaron excitadas y estaban a punto de entrar, cuando se dieron cuenta de que se iban a perder el quinto piso. Subieron velozmente esperando el paraíso y se encontraron con un aviso que decía:

Aquí no hay hombres. Este piso fue construido solamente para demostrar que a las mujeres nada las complace.

Estaban dos borrachitos platicando cuando uno le dice al otro:

Nombre compadre, mi vieja me pega que si por esto que si por lo otro, no, ya no lo soporto.

El otro preocupado le responde:

No compadre, pues tome clases de karate y va ver lo que es bueno mi comadre.

Ya está compadre le dice el otro.

Entonces el borrachito se puso a estudiar karate y después de más de seis meses ya no era borrachito, se puso bien machín y acababa de graduarse de tachido guan (lo máximo en artes marciales).

Un día se pone bien borracho y va para su casa y en la esquina ve a unos diez pandilleros y que se la hacen de pedo, nombre, nunca lo hubieran hecho, les puso una madrina a los diez… ya después va bien prendido, tras semejante pelea, llega su casa, tumba la puerta de un patadón al tiempo que grita:

¡¡¡Y YAAAAA…!!!

¿Y YA QUE? pregunta la vieja bien enojada.

N NO, QUE Y YAAA LLEGUE…

A baby was born that was so advanced that he could talk. He looked around the delivery room and saw the doctor.



Are you my doctor? he asked.



Yes, I am.



The baby said Thank you for taking such good care of me during birth.



He looked at his mother and asked, Are you my mother?



Yes, I am, she said.



Thank you for taking such good care of me before I was born he said. He then looked at his father and asked Are you my father?



Yes, I am, his father answered.



The baby motioned him close, then poked him on the forehead with his index finger 5 times, saying I want you to know that THAT HURTS!

Dr. Caligaris Comeback: A bad sector disk error occurs only after youve done several hours of work without performing a backup.

Q: What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?
A: Oh look! Donut seeds!