The Universe is a figment of its own imagination.
18
Sep
18
Sep
The wimp who made it through the eliminations on luck alone will suddenly turn into Bruce Lee when youre up against him.
The referee will always be looking the other way when you score.
You will have trouble with the ties on your gi pants when members of the opposite sex are in class.
The day you leave work early to make it to class on time, the sensei will be sick.
The sensei will only use you during demonstrations for joint-locking techniques.
If you have to use your training in self-defense, your attackers father will be a lawyer.
After a flawless demonstration, you will trip on your way back to your seat.
After years of training without a single injury, you will pull a groin muscle the night before your black belt exam. (Ask Mr. Hurst about a similar experience!)
In an otherwise vacant locker toom, the only other person will have the locker right next to yours.
No matter how many times you take care of it before your promotion exam, you will invariably have to go to the bathroom when its your turn.
18
Sep
Four brothers left home for college and they became
successful doctors and lawyers and prospered.
Some years later, they chatted after having dinner
together. They discussed the gifts they were able
to give their elderly mother who lived in another
city. The first said, "I had a big house built
for Mama."
The second said, "I had a hundred thousand dollar
theater built in the house." The third said,
"I had a Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to
her."
The fourth said, "You know how Mama loved reading
the Bible and you know she cant read anymore because
she cant see very well. I met this preacher who told
me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible.
It took twenty preachers 12 years to teach him. I
had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty
years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama just
has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will
recite it."
The other brothers were impressed.
Mama wrote: "Milton, the house you built is
so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean
the whole house. Thanks anyway." "Michael,
you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound,
it could hold 50 people, but all my friends are dead,
Ive lost my hearing and Im nearly blind. Ill never
use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."
"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay at home
and I have my groceries delivered, so I never use
the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."
"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have
the good sense to give a little thought to your gift.
The chicken was delicious. Thank You."
18
Sep
Moses is in the desert and he sees a
burning bush.He approaches and he hears
a voice.My name is Moses,what about you?
he sad.I AM is My name,and I am the Lord
of your forefathers!;Nice to meet you,
I am!;Tell Me, Moses, dont you feel
lonely in this desert?Oh,yeah,very lonely…
Dont you miss your jewish brothers?
Oh,yeah,very much…Dont you miss
your teachers?Oh,yes,i miss them lot
Dont you miss bathing in the Nile?
Oh,yes,is very warm in here,I miss
that cold water…Dont you miss your
mother,Moses? Moses starts to cry,and
he whispers through his tears:Very much
WHY DONT YOU PAY HER A VISIT? Oh,I cant
the faraoh wants to kill me He will not,
I will be with you every step Are you sure?
Sure is my middle nameWill you do that for me? Of course I will,Moses, as I promised
Thank you,Lord!and Moses start his journey
to Egypt.Moses, wait! Yes, Lord?
Can I ask you a favour?Anything,My Lord!
Well, if you go to the pallace,to
see your mother,please pay a visit to
the faraoh chamber and tell him to let my people go,will you?
18
Sep
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctors office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.
He said, Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you dont do the following, your husband will surely die.
Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Dont burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Dont discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly, you should satisfy his every whim sexually several times a week.
If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely.
On the way home, the husband asked his wife. What did the doctor say?
Youre going to die, she replied.
18
Sep
An Auburn student spent a holiday in New Mexico with Native Americans who told him the Legend of the Maidens.
The tale went this way: There are beautiful maidens who live in the cracks and crevices in this valley. If you hear them call, Woo Woo, take off your clothes quickly and enter the cave. They will show you a fabulous time! Several days later, the headlines in the local newspaper read: Body of Naked Auburn Student found in Tunnel, Run Over by Train.
18
Sep
On an Electricians truck: Let us remove your shorts. Outside a Radiator Repair Shop: Best place in town to take a leak.
In a Non-smoking area: If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.
On Maternity Room door: Push, Push, Push. On a Front Door: Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog.
At an Optometrists Office: If you dont see what youre looking for, youve come to the right place.
On a Scientists door: Gone Fission On a Taxidermists window: We really know our stuff. In a Podiatrists window: Time wounds all heels. On a Butchers window: Let me meat your needs. On another Butchers window: Pleased to meat you. At a Used Car Lot: Second Hand cars in first crash condition. On a fence: Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive.
At a Car Dealership: The best way to get back on your feet – miss a car payment. Outside a Muffler Shop: No appointment necessary. Well hear you coming.
Outside a Hotel: Help! We need inn-experienced people. At an Auto Body Shop: May we have the next dents? In a Dry Cleaners Emporium: Drop your pants here. On a desk in a Reception Room: We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left. In a Veterinarians waiting room: Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay! On a Music Teachers door: Out Chopin.
At the Electric Company: We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you dont, you will be.
In a Beauty Shop: Dye now!
On the side of a Garbage Truck: Weve got what it takes to take what youve got. (Burglars please copy.)
On the door of a Computer Store: Out for a quick byte.
In a Restaurant window: Dont stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up.
Inside a Bowling Alley: Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop.
In a Cafeteria: Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want.
On the door of a Music Library: Bach in a minuet. In the front yard of a Funeral Home: Drive carefully, well wait. In a Counselors office: Growing old is mandatory. Growing wise is optional.
18
Sep
Father: (at the hospital looking through the glass at the newly arrived babies) Kitchy kitchy koo. Look, she smiled! Isnt she adorable?
Friend: But your kid didnt smile.
Father: I was talking about the nurse.
18
Sep
This guy walks into a bar with this really great shirt on. The bartender goes, Whered you get the great shirt mate? The man replies, David Jones. This 2nd guy walks into the bar with really good pants on and the bartender goes Whered you get the great pants mate? The man replies, David Jones. This 3rd guy walks into the bar with really great shoes and sock on. The bartender goes, Whered you get the great shoes and socks mate? The man replies, David Jones. Then this 4th guy runs in naked and the bartender goes, Look Who the hell are you mate? And the naked guy says, Im David Jones!
18
Sep
During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual
offer.
Look, Ill give you $100 if youll change the wedding vows. When you get to me
and the part where Im to promise to love, honor and obey and forsaking all
others, be faithful to her forever, Id appreciate it if youd just leave that
part out. He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.
It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to that
part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the
grooms vows, the pastor looks the young man in the eye and says:
Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and
wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally
before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another
woman, as long as you both shall live?
The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, Yes.
The groom leaned toward the pastor and hissed, I thought we had a deal.
The pastor put the $100 bill into his hand and whispered back, She made me a
much better offer.