Old and New Jokes

Q. How many Republicans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A. Just one, but it really gets screwed.

A police dog responds to an ad for work with the FBI. Well, says the personnel director, Youll have to meet some strict requirements. First, you must type at least 60 words per minute.

Sitting down at the typewriter, the dog types out 80 words per minute.

Also, says the director, You must pass a physical and complete the obstacle course.

This perfect canine specimen finishes the course in record time.

Theres one last requirement, the director continues; you must be bilingual.

With confidence, the dog looks up at him and says, Meow!

Feudalism
You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

Pure Socialism
You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with
everyone elses cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government
gives you a glass of milk.

Bureaucratic Socialism
Your cows are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the
chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives
you as much milk and eggs the regulations say you should need.

Fascism
You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of
them, and sells you the milk.

Pure Communism
You share two cows with your neighbors. You and your neighbors bicker about
who has the most ability and who has the most need. Meanwhile, no one
works, no one gets any milk, and the cows drop dead of starvation.

Russian Communism
You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes
all the milk. You steal back as much milk as you can and sell it on the
black market.

Perestroika
You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the Mafia takes all
the milk. You steal back as much milk as you can and sell it on the free
market.

Cambodian Communism
You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.

Dictatorship
You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.

Pure Democracy
You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.

Representative Democracy
You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the
milk.

Bureaucracy
You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them
and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes
both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then
it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

Capitalism
You dont have any cows. The bank will not lend you money to buy cows,
because you dont have any cows to put up as collateral.

Pure Anarchy
You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your
neighbors try to take the cows and kill you.

Anarcho-Capitalism
You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

Surrealism
You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica
lessons.

Q. How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Only one, but the bulb has got to really want to change.
Q. How many software people does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None, thats a hardware problem.

Q. How many graduate students does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Only one, but it may take upwards of five to get it done.

Q. How many real men does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None, real men arent afraid of the dark.

Q. How many real women does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None, a real woman would have plenty of real men around to do it.

Q. How many survivors of a nuclear war does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None, because people who glow in the dark dont need light bulbs.

Q. How many jugglers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. One, but it takes at least three light bulbs.

Q. What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
A. You can unscrew a light bulb.

Q. How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. How many can you afford.

Q. How many IBM Tech writers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Just one, providing theres an engineer around to explain how to do it.

A doctor is standing in the hall of a hospital talking with a colleague when suddenly one of his patients runs down the hall in his hospital gown screaming at the top of his lungs.

Right behind the patient is a nurse carrying a pan of steaming, boiling-hot water, obviously chasing the patient.

The doctor interrupts his conversation with his colleague and shouts to the chasing nurse, Miss Jones, I said Prick his boil!

Un capataz contrata a dos electricistas para hacer un trabajo, y les dice que tienen que estar trabajando todos los días sin falta hasta las cinco de la tarde. Debido al tipo de tarea, sólo uno de ellos puede estar trabajando en un momento dado, así que se van turnando para trabajar.

Un día uno de los electricistas le dice al otro: Mira, esto es estúpido, estamos aquí los dos perdiendo el tiempo porque sólo uno de nosotros puede estar trabajando. ¿Qué te parece si en vez de turnarnos cada hora, uno de nosotros viene por la mañana y el otro por la tarde? Además, el capataz nunca esta aquí, así que no se enterará.

Me parece una idea genial. Venga, ahora me voy a casa y volveré a mediodia.

Dicho y hecho, el electricista llega a su casa, abre la puerta, se va al dormitorio, y alli ve al capataz encima de su esposa. Sin hacer ruido, sale silenciosamente de la casa y vuelve al trabajo.

Pero hombre, ¿qué haces aquí? ¡Todavía falta mucho para mediodía!

Sí, pero lo he pensado mejor y esto es una mala idea, ¡casi me pilla el capataz!

Microsoft:



YOU ARE ATTEMPTING TO INSTALL WINDOWS XP, ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT TO CONTINUE?



Yes.



ARE YOU REALLY SURE?



Yes.



ARE YOU REALLY REALLY SURE?



*****yes!******



OK, THEN. JUST SO YOU KNOW, WERE REQUIRED TO ASK YOU THAT NOW. ITS ALL YOUR FAULT FOR BEING A PICKY CONSUMER AND SUPPORTING THAT WHOLE ANTI-TRUST NONSENSE. INGRATE.



Just get on with it.



ATTEMPTING TO INSTALL WINDOWS XP. FIRST WE NEED TO CHECK YOUR SYSTEM FOR COMPATIBILITY. THIS COULD TAKE SEVERAL DAYS.



Groan.



THE INSTALL PROGRAM HAS DETECTED SEVERAL POSSIBLE PROBLEMS AND WILL NOT LET YOU INSTALL XP.



Problems? What problems?



THE VIDEO CARD YOU ARE USING APPARENTLY DOES NOT WORK WITH THE MOTHERBOARD.



But Im using it at this very moment.



THAT IS IRRELEVANT.



But if the video card isnt working with the mother board then I cant very well see this warning message telling me that the video card wasnt…



DO NOT ATTEMPT TO FOOL ME WITH LOGIC, I AM A MICROSOFT PRODUCT. LOGIC DOES NOT WORK ON ME. I HAVE ALSO FOUND THE FOLLOWING MINOR ERRORS: WINDOWS XP IS INCOMPATIBLE WITH THE FOLLOWING HARDWARE – MONITOR, KEYBOARD, MEMORY CHIPS, MOTHERBOARD BIOS, WEB CAM, SCANNER, SOUND CARD, USB CONTROLLER, CD/R DRIVE, MICROPHONE, AND FLIGHT STICK.



All that?



YES. AND THE HARD DRIVE IS RIGHT OUT TOO. WE DONT LIKE THE MANUFACTURER.



Well what *DOES* work?



THE MOUSE.



The mouse?



YES. AND THE 5 1/4 DRIVE.



I dont have a 5 1/4 drive.



YES YOU DO.



No I dont.



WHATS THAT THEN?



Its a 3 1/2 drive.



NO IT ISNT.



Yes it is.



YOURE NOT THAT SMART YOU KNOW.



Look, can you just install XP on my system and Ill download the latest drivers for everything later? Please?



WAIT, WHAT DO YOU MEAN *YOUR* SYSTEM?



Well it is mine.



NO IT ISNT.



It bloody well is.



NUH-UH. YOU SIGNED THE AGREEMENT WHEN YOU OPENED THE BOX. OUR SYSTEM. ITS OURS. AND YOU CAN ONLY DO 4 CHANGES BEFORE YOU HAVE TO PAY US MORE MONEY.



But why?



BECAUSE THATS HOW THE LICENSE WORKS, IDJIT. WE CANT VERY WELL HAVE PEOPLE PUTTING HARDWARE AND SOFTWARE ON THEIR SYSTEMS ALL HIGGLEDY PIGGLEDY, NOW COULD WE? YOU USERS WOULD MUCK EVERYTHING UP, AND THEN WHERE WOULD WE BE? ILL TELL YOU WHERE, NOWHERE. THATS WHERE. I… HEY, WHAT IS THAT? WHAT ARE YOU DOING? IS THAT A DISK? WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT DISK? YOURE NOT PUTTING IT IN THE DRIVE ARE YOU? YOU ARE! WHATS ON THAT DISK? IS THAT DOS? YOURE INSTALLING DOS?? WHY WOULD YOU INSTALL DOS WHEN I AM INFINITELY MORE POWE……….



C:>

Save the whales, collect the whole set.

When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy.
When planets do it we say they are orbiting.

Men are always whining about how we women suffocate them.

Well, in my opinion, if you can still hear them whine, youre not holding the pillow hard enough!