Old and New Jokes

Q: How do you stop a Polish army on horseback?

A: Turn off the carousel.

You know youre a redneck when the biggest city youve been to is Wal-Mart.

Well, Kenny the rooster costs a lot of money, but the farmer decides hed be worth it. So, he buys Kenny. The farmer takes Kenny home and sets him down in the barnyard, first, giving the rooster a pep talk. I want you to pace yourself now. Youve got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, Ill need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun, the farmer said, with a chuckle. Kenny seemed to understand, so the farmer pointed toward the Hen house and Kenny took off like a shot. WHAM!-

Kenny nails every hen in the hen house- three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked. After that the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen, sure enough, Kenny is in there. Later, the farmer sees Kenny after a flock of geese, down by the lake. Once again – WHAM! He gets all the geese. By sunset he sees Kenny out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants. The farmer is distraught and worried that his expensive rooster wont even last 24 hours. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day, to find Kenny on his back, stone cold in the middle of the yard. Buzzards are circling overhead. The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, Oh, Kenny, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what youve done to yourself.

Kenny opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says, Shhh, theyre getting closer.

Estaban dos gallinas en un gallinero muy aburridas, pues no había que hacer, entonces una le dice a la otra:

Oye manis, qué te parece si jugamos haber quien pone el huevo mas grande.

Contesta la otra: Claro comadre, ¿por qué no?

Y empiezan las dos a hacer ganas y fuerzas. Jum,jum, comienzan a pujar. Despues de 2 horas, dice una:

Ya casi, ya casi sale, jum, salió.

Era un huevo del doble de tamaño que uno normal.

A ver, gáname.

Y sigue la otra pujando. Después de dos horas:

Jum, jum, lo logré… salió.

El huevo era enorme, más grande que uno de avestruz. Ella contenta le dice a su amiga:

Ya viste comadre, ¿cómo te quedo el ojo?

Y contesta la otra:

Y a ti ¿cómo te quedo el culo?

A young gay man calls home and tells his Jewish mother that he has decided to go back into the closet because he has met a wonderful girl and they are going to be married. He tells his mother that he is sure she will be happier since he knows that his gay lifestyle has been very disturbing to her.

She responds that she is indeed delighted and asks tentatively, I suppose it would be too much to hope that she would be Jewish?



He tells her that not only is the girl Jewish, but is from a wealthy Beverly Hills family. She admits she is overwhelmed by the news, and asks, What is her name?



He answers, Monica Lewinsky.



There is a long pause, then his mother asks, What happened to that nice Catholic boy you were dating last year?

Q: Whats the smart thing to do if a Dallas Cowgirl touches you?

A: Touchback.

Two men walk into their local unemployment office after both being laid-off. The first man approaches the counter and is greeted by a friendly staff member.
Id like to collect unemployment payments please he says.Not a problem sir, the teller asks What was your last profession?I made panty hose he responds.Ok, the staffer says, your check will be $300. Next!The first man steps away from the counter eyeing his check. His friend steps up, Id like to collect unemployment payments pleaseAlright sir, the teller asks and what was your last profession?Diesel Fitter he remarks.Right, thats a specialty occupation, your check will be $800The first man overhears this and jumps in, Hey! How come I get 300 stinkin bucks and he gets 800The teller say professionally Sir, this man had a special skillSpecial Skill my ass! I sew the two halves of the panty hose together and give them to him.The staffer looks betrayed and asks the second man, Sir you said you were a Diesel Fitter.I am! he says, He gives me the panty hose, I put em on me head and say Deezll Fit er!

Q: Why did Bill Clinton cross the road?
A: To meet the chick.

a man came staggering into a bar and said, i want a drink. the bartender said, forget it guy, your too drunk, just go on home. the man refused to leave, so the bartender threw him out. the man crawled around on the ground till he finally got on his feet and staggered around to the side door and came into the bar again. the bartender grabbed him and threw him out again. The man finally got on his feet again and staggered around to the back of the bar and came in the back door of the bar. The bartender grabbed the man and threw him out again. The man looked up from the ground at the bartender and said in a slurred voice, tell me mister, do you work in every freaking bar in this town?

Lads listen. A man and a women were fuckin each other. isnt that sooo funny. They are having an orgasim. hahahaha. Ohh jesus thats hilarious. Lads call me on 353857085315