Old and New Jokes

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when a attractive, young Indian, female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it, looked inside, slammed it shut, and stormed back into her house.

A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox, again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came again. She marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions, the man asked her, Is something wrong?
To which she replied, There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps telling me I have mail!

Industry Fact: When Elvis Presley died in 1977 there were 37 Elvis impersonators in the world.

Today there are 48,000.

If the current trend continues, by the year 2010, one out of every three people in the world will be an Elvis impersonator.

You have ever had deer graze in your front yard close enough to the house that you could throw a rock and hit them.

You have ever dug up your driveway to fix your water line.

You have ever had to get up quickly in the morning in order to let the goat out before she dropped raisins on the kitchen floor.

Q: How many alt.atheism readers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two. One to screw the bulb, one to prove that it exists anyway.

One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on a parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher.



Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid – the parrot was his at last! As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the Auctioneer, I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he cant talk!



Dont worry. said the Auctioneer, He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?

On July 8, 1947, witnesses claim a spaceship with five aliens aboard crashed on a sheep-and-cattle ranch outside Roswell, an incident they say has been covered up by the military.

March 31, 1948, nine months after that day, Al Gore was born.



That clears up a lot of things.

The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.

He kept telling her, Chin up young lady, chin up.

A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives the impression he
just cleaned the whole house.

Joke found on http://www.randomjoke.com

While cruising at 40,000 feet, the airplane shuddered and Mr. Benson looked out the window.
Good Lord! he screamed, one of the engines just blew up!
Other passengers left their seats and came running over. Suddenly, the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine exploded on the other side. The passengers were in a panic now, and even the stewardesses couldnt maintain order!
Just then, standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about. Most of the passengers seemed to feel better on hearing this, and they sat down as the pilot walked to the front of the aircraft. There, he grabbed several packages from under the seats and began handing them to the flight attendants. Each crew member attached the package to their backs.
Say, spoke up an alert passenger, arent those parachutes?
The pilot said, Yes, they are.
The passenger went on, But I thought you said there was nothing to worry about?
There isnt, replied the pilot as a third engine exploded. Were going to get help.