Old and New Jokes

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

I believe for every drop of rain that falls, a flower grows. (And a foundation leaks and a ball game gets rained out and a car rusts and…)

Follow your dream! Unless its the one where youre at work in your underwear during a fire drill.

Always take time to stop and smell the roses… and sooner or later, youll inhale a bee.

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone!

If you dont like my driving, dont call anyone. Just take another road. Thats why the highway department made so many of them. If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek. Nothing gets the message across like a good mooning.

When Im feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbors dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

Its always darkest before dawn. So if youre going to steal the neighbors newspaper, thats the time to do it.

A handy telephone tip: Keep a small chalkboard near the phone. That way, when a salesman calls, you can hold the receiver up to it and run your fingernails across it until he hangs up.

Each day I try to enjoy something from each of the four food groups: the bonbon group, the salty-snack group, the caffeine group, and the whatever-the-thing-in-the-tinfoil-in-the-back-of-the-fridge is group.

Into every life some rain must fall. Usually when your car windows are down.

Just remember… You gotta break some eggs to make a real mess on the neighbors car!

When you find yourself getting irritated with someone, try to remember that all men are brothers… and just give them a noogie or an Indian burn.

This morning I woke up to the unmistakable scent of pigs in a blanket. Thats the price you pay for letting the relatives stay over.

Its a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.

Keep your nose to the grindstone and your shoulder to the wheel…its cheaper than plastic surgery.

This land is your land. This land is my land. So stay on your land.

Love is like a roller coaster: when its good you dont want to get off, and when it isnt… you cant wait to throw up.

Received from Douglas V Taylor.

Bush and Osama decided to settle the war once and for all. They sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dogfight. They would have 5 years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever sides dog won would be entitled to dominate the world.

Osama found the biggest, meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and bred them with the meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from the litter, and removed his siblings, which gave him all the milk. After 5 years, they came up with the biggest, meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were 5 thick and nobody could get near it.

When the day came for the dog fight, Bush showed up with a strange looking animal. It was a 9 foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for Bush because there was no way that this dog could possibly last 10 seconds with the Afghanistani dog. When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of its cage, and slowly waddled over towards Osamas dog. Osamas dog snarled and leaped out of its cage and charged the American Dachshund—but when it got close enough to bite, the Dachshund opened its mouth and consumed Osamas dog in one bite. There was nothing left of his dog at all.

Osama came up to Bush, shaking his head in disbelief, We dont understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for 5 years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and the biggest, meanest Siberian wolves.

Thats nothing,, said Bush. We had Michael Jacksons plastic surgeons working for 5 years to make that alligator look like a weenie dog.

GOD BLESS AMERICA!!!!!!!!!

Going to a psyhologist is essentially just lying on a couch.

One day, as Pierre was sitting on his porch, he saw Antoinne coming down the road with a bag in his hand. Hey, Antoinne! What do you have in the bag? Pierre asked.

I have cats in the bag, replied Antoinne.

Why do you have cats in the bag?

Im going to use them to catch the catfish.

Antoinne! You dont use cats to catch catfish!

Wait and see, Pierre.

That evening, Pierre was sitting on his porch again and saw Antoinne coming back up the road with a bag. Hey, Antoinne! What do you have in the bag?

I have catfish in the bag! I used the cats to catch them!

The next day, as Pierre was sitting on his porch, he once again saw Antoinne coming down the road with a bag in his hand. What do you have in your bag today, Antoinne?

I have rats in the bag!

What are you going to do with the rats?

Im going to use them to catch the muskrat!

Antoinne! You cant use the rats to catch the muskrat!

So later that evening, Pierre spotted Antoinne coming back up the road, dragging his bag behind him. What is in the bag now, Antoinne?

I have the muskrat in the bag. I used the rats to catch him.

The third day, as Pierre was sitting on his porch, he saw Antoinne walking down the road with something in his hand. What is that in your hand, Antoinne?

I have pussywillow!

WAIT! Antoinne, Im coming with you!

Eclipse e-klips: What an English barber does for a living.

Eyedropper i-drop-ur: A clumsy ophthalmologist.

Heroes hee-rhos: What a guy in a boat does.

En un cine en el que se iba a presentar un estreno se formó desde temprano una larga cola. Entonces, una viejecita se acercó a la taquilla y la multitud empezó a gritar:

¡A la cola! ¡A la cola!

La anciana se detuvo un momento y la multitud calló, pero al volver a avanzar, la gente empezó a gritar a coro:

¡No se cuele! ¡A la cola!

Y así sucedió muchas veces hasta que la viejecita, enojada, se alejó refunfuñando:

¡A ver ahora quién les vende los boletos!

Why do the signs that say Slow Children have a picture of a running
child?

(in light of recent happenings in the legal/computer world)
New t-shirt design, for Apple employees:

Look and Feel

(c) 1988

(commercial rights reserved, of course 🙂

Pepito estaba sentado en clase haciendo problemas de matemáticas cuando su profesora le dice:

Pepito, si hay cinco pájaros parados en un arbusto y le disparas a uno con una pistola, ¿Cuántos pájaros quedarían?

Ninguno, replicó pepito, porque uno moriría y los otros cuatro saldrían volando.

Bueno, la respuesta que estaba buscando era cuatro, pero me encanta tu manera de pensar.

Entonces Pepito dijo: Tengo una pregunta para usted, señorita. Si hay tres mujeres sentadas en un banco comiéndose un helado, la primera lo está lamiendo, la segunda lo está mordiendo y la tercera lo está chupando. ¿Cuál de ellas está casada?

La profesora se sonrojó y contestó tímidamente: Bueno, no estoy segura… Supongo que la que lo está chupando.

No. La que está casada es la que lleva el anillo de bodas en el dedo, ¡pero me encanta tu manera de pensar!

Llega la maestra de Pepito al salón y dice que no va a ver clases, pero iba a pasar lista rápidamente antes de irse a la dirección a arreglar unos papeles, y decide decir el nombre y la primera letra del primer apellido de cada alumno. Y empieza a pasar lista,:

Maria D

Presente, respondió la niña.

Juan C

Presente, maestra, respondió el niño.

José M

No vino, maestra respondieron los niños.

Ciriaco G

Y los niños le responden:

No maestra, no se fue a coger, está enfermo.