July 18
I just tried to connect to America online, which Ive heard is the best online service I can get. I cant connect, I dont know what is wrong.
July 19
Some guy at the tech support center says my computer needs a modem. I dont see why. Hes just trying to cheat me. How dumb does he think I am?
July 20
I bought the modem, I couldnt figure out where it goes though, it wouldnt fit in the monitor or the printer. Im confused.
July 21
I finally got the modem in and hooked up. A three year old next door did it for me.
July 22
The three year old kid next door hooked me up to America online for me. Hes so smart.
July 23
What the heck is the internet? I thought I was on America Online, not this internet thingy. Im confused.
July 24
The three year old kid next door showed me how to use this America Online stuff. He must be a genius at least compared to me.
July 25
I tried to use chat today. I tried to talk into my computer but nothing happened. Maybe I need to buy a microphone.
July 26
I found this thingy called Usenet. I got out of it because Im connected to America Online, not Usenet. I went to the doctor today for my regular checkup. He says that since I connected, My brain has mysteriously shrunk to half its normal size.
July 27
These people in this Usenet thingy keep using capital letters. How do they do that? i never figured out how to type capital letters. Maybe they have a different type of keyboard.
July 28
I found this thingy called the Usenet oracle. It says that it can answer any questions I ask it. I asked it 44 separate questions about the internet. I hope it responds soon.
July 29
I found a group called rec.humor. I decided to post this joke about why the chicken crossed the road. To get to the other side! ha ha! I wasnt sure if i posted it right so I posted it 56 more times.
July 30
I keep hearing about the World Wide Web. I didnt know spiders grew that large.
July 31
The oracle responded to my questions today. Geez, it was rude. I was so angry that I posted an angry message about it to rec.humor.oracle.d. I wasnt sure if it posted right so I posted it 22 more times.
August 1
Someone told me to read the FAQ. Geez, they didnt have to use profanity.
August 2
I just read this post called make money fast. Im so exited, Im going to make lots of money. I followed his instructions and posted it to every newsgroup i could find.
August 3
I just made my signature file. Its only 6 pages long, So I will have to work on it some more.
August 4
I just looked at a group called alt.aol.sucks. I read a few posts and I really believe that aol should be wiped off the face of the Earth. I wonder what an aol is, however.
August 5
I was asking where to find some information about something. Some guy told me to check out ftp.netcom.com. Ive looked and looked, but I cant find that group.
August 6
Some guy suspended my account because of what i was doing. I told him I dont have an account at his bank. Hes so dumb.
Who Says a Blonde is Stupid?
When she took me to the airport and saw a sign that said, Airport left, she turned around and went home.
She has one toe, and bought a pair of flip flops.
She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.
She got stabbed in a shoot-out.
She told me to meet her at the corner of Walk and Dont Walk.
When the computer said Press any key to continue, she couldnt find the Any key.
She thought 2Pac Shakur was a Jewish Holiday.
When I was drowning and yelled for a life saver, she said, Cherry or Grape?
She sat on the TV and watched the couch.
She sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
She was on the corner giving out potato chips, yelling, Free Lays!.
She tried to drown her goldfish.
She thought a quarterback was a refund.
She got locked in a grocery store and nearly starved to death.
If you gave her a penny for her thoughts, youd get change.
They had to burn down the school to get her out of third grade.
She took a spoon to the Super Bowl.
Under Education on her job application, she puts Hooked on Phonics.
She thinks socialism means partying.
She tripped over a cordless phone.
She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
At the bottom of application forms where it says Sign Here, she puts Sagittarius.
She asked for a price check at the dollar store.
If she spoke her mind, shed be speechless.
She stands up on an empty bus.
She studied for a blood test and failed.
She thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center.
She thought Hamburger Helper came with another person.
She thought Meow Mix was a record for cats.
She thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train.
She invented a solar powered flashlight.
She sold the car for gas money.
When she saw the NC-17 (under 17 not admitted) sign, she went home to get 16 friends.
When she heard 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
She went to Dr. Dre for a pap smear.
She thinks Taco Bell is where you pay your phone bill.
She ordered a cheeseburger from McDonalds and said, Hold the cheese.
When she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 twice instead.
She peels M&Ms to make chocolate chip cookies.
She got locked in Furniture World and slept on the floor.
When she got to the empty 4-way stop, she waited for the other 3 cars to get there.
Q.-Whyd the chicken cross the road? A.- He was attached to Dennis Rodmans head!
Everybody knows there are different opinions to everything. Here are some.
*A smoking section in a restaraunt is like a peeing section in a pool.
*Always look on the negative side, so youll never be dissapointed.
*Men are like snow storms, you never know how many inches youll get, or how long it will last.
What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you? Pull the pin and throw it back.
A woman goes to her doctor and said she wanted and operation done because her vagina lips were much too large.
She then asked the doctor to keep the operation a secret as she didnt want anyone to find out, so the doctor agreed.
She woke up from her operation only to find three roses carefully placed beside her in bed. Outraged she immediately calls in the doctor. She said to him, I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!.
The doctor told her he did not and not to worry. He then continued… The first rose is from me. I felt bad because you went through this all by yourself.
The second one is from my nurse. She assisted me with the operation and she had the operation done herself.
Just then the girl asked about the third rose.
The doctor said: Oh, that rose is from a guy upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears!
One day Fred decided he wanted to take up deer hunting. So Fred went to the local sporting goods stored and asked the shopkepper. I need a really nice gun to hunt deer with
The shopkeeper gave him a gun and said, This gun is perfect for any deer
Taking the gun, and jumping into his Jeep the new hunter went into the woods to search for deer. While looking around for his new sport, he saw nothing. Then, when he was just about ready to give up he saw a Bear in the distance. Not wanting to waste this journey he took aim and, BOOM!! When the smoke cleared to his surprise, no bear.
Suddenly, Fred felt a tap on his shoulder. Turning, he saw the bear.
What the hell do you think you are doing? asked the bear.
Im sorry, I did mean to, Ill never do it again! whined Fred.
Pull down your pants, just so you understand how serious I am explains the Bear.
Reluctantly, Fred does this and WHAM, the bear screws him up the ass.
All pissed off Fred drives away muttering, Im going to get that fuckin bear, no fuckin bear is going to that to me.
Fred goes goes bak to the sporting goods store and buys a larger gun, and goes back to the park.
Looking around he finally sees the bear. Picking up his new larger gun, points, and BOOM!
When the smoke clears, no bear. Fred feels a tap on his shoulder, turns around and theres the bear.
Im sorry, Ill never do it agian, I promise, screams Fred.
I thought I told you not to come back here again, exclaims the bear, now pull down your pants.
Fred does so and the bear fucks him up the ass again.
Fred gets in his jeep and drives away muttering, Thats it, Im going to blow that fuckin bears head clean off
When he gets back to thte sporting goods store he explains to the shopkeeper, I want the largest gun you have, the most powerful.
The shopkeepers hands him a gun and says, This one is great for hunting elephants, no creature on this planet will live after a shot from this
Fred gets back in his jeep and drives back to the woods. Loooking around he spots the bear again. He aims, pulls the trigger, and BBBOOOOOMMMMMM!!!!!!!
When the smoke clears, no bear. Fred scared now, feels a tap on his shoulder, turning around he sees the bear.
Youre not in this for the sport anymore, are you?
The president of ABC decided that it was time to build a new factory. He asked representatives from three development companies to come in and make a bid on the project. The three companies showed up at the scheduled meeting. The president of ABC asked the first company, Bruin Construction, whos president earned his MBA from UCLA, How much will your company charge for this project? 2 million, said Bruin. 1 million for materials and 1 million for labor.
Then president then asks the same question to the second company, Cardinal Construction, whose president earned his MBA from Stanford. Cardinal answered, 3 million, 1.5 million for materials, 1.3 million for labor, and 0.2 million for licenses and permits.
Finally, the president asks the last company , Trojan Construction, whose president earned his MBA from USC. Trojan answered, 4 million.
FOUR MILLION, yelled the president of ABC. How do you breakdown the cost?
Trojan replied, 1 million for you, 1 million for me, and 2 million to get the guy from UCLA to build the factory!
El Presidente de la República se encuentra con tres bellas damas en una discoteca: una pelirroja, una rubia y una morena. Sentándose junto a ellas y dirigiéndose a la pelirroja le hizo la siguiente pregunta: Soy el Presidente de la República; ¿cuánto me cobra por pasar una noche conmigo? A lo que la pelirroja le responde: A Ud. señor Presidente, le cuesta $ 2000.
Luego le hizo la misma pregunta a la rubia, y ésta le respondió: A usted señor Presidente, le cuesta $ 1000.
Al mirar a la morena y hacerle la misma pregunta, ésta fue su respuesta:
Señor Presidente, si usted puede levantar mi falda tan alto como están los impuestos, bajarme los calzones tan bajo como están los sueldos, sacar esa cosa suya y ponérmela tan dura como está la vida, mantenerla tan alta como están los precios y cogerme en esa forma tan dulce y delicada como usted se está cogiendo al pueblo, a usted señor Presidente, NO LE CUESTA NADA.
Every four seconds a woman has a baby.
Our problem is to find this woman and stop her.