Old and New Jokes

Two friends are discussing politics on Election Day, each
trying to no avail to convince the other to switch sides.

Finally, one says to the other: Look, its clear that
we are unalterably opposed on every political issue. Our
votes will surely cancel out. Why not save ourselves some
time and both agree to not vote today?

The other agrees enthusiastically and they part.

Shortly after that, a friend of the first one who had heard
the conversation says, That was a sporting offer you made.

Not really, says the second. This is the third time Ive
done this today.

Dr. Leroy, the head psychiatrist at the local mental hospital, is examining patients to see if theyre cured and ready to re-enter society.

So, Mr. Clark, the doctor says to one of his patients, I see by your chart that youve been recommended for dismissal. Do you have any idea what you might do once youre released?

The patient thinks for a moment, then replies, Well, I went to school for mechanical engineering. Thats still a good field, good money there. But on the other hand, I thought I might write a book about my experience here in the hospital, what its like to be a patient here. People might be interested in reading a book like that. In addition, I thought I might go back to college and study art history, which Ive grown interested in lately.

Dr. Leroy nods and says, Yes, those all sound like intriguing possibilities.

The patient replies, And the best part is, in my spare time, I can go on being a teapot.

Un apache y su hijito de nueve años están sentados en la orilla del río. Le pregunta el hijo:

Papá, papá ¿por qué mi hermana mayor se llama Luz de Luna?

Porque tu madre y yo la creamos bajo la luz de la luna.

Papá, papá ¿por qué mi hermano se llama Toro Sentado?.

Porque tu madre y yo lo concebimos delante de un toro que estaba sentado.

Papá, papá ¿por qué mi otro hermano se llama Prado Verde?

Porque tu madre y yo lo creamos sobre un prado verde, te enteras Goma Rota.

En una tienda, un tipo mira lascivamente a una espectacular chica que tiene un cuerpazo, lindo cabello, ojos verdes, piel canela, redondeadas caderas y unas tetas exquisitas. El hombre se acerca a la mujer y le susurra al oído:

Mamacita, te doy 2 mil si me dejas darte un mordisquito en uno de tus senitos.

La muchacha, furiosa, le increpa:

¡Viejo atrevido, qué está pensando que soy!

Nuevamente, el fulano le insinúa:

Te doy 200 mil si te dejas dar un mordisquito en uno de tus senitos.

¡Imbécil! ¿Qué pasa contigo? ¡Respeta! ¿Con quién crees que tratas?

El individuo insiste:

Mi amor, te voy a dar 500 mil por dejarte dar un mordisquito en uno de tus senitos.

La joven esta vez lo piensa y accede a la petición del personaje tentada por los $500.000.

Está bien. Camina, nos metemos en aquel cuarto y me das el mordisquito.

Se meten en el cuarto y la mujer saca uno de sus senos; él empieza a chupar. Al cabo de un rato, ella le apresura:

¡Muerde, pues, hombre! ¡Muerde!

¿Sabes qué, mi amor? ¡No muerdo porque no tengo dinero!

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.

But officer, the man said, I can explain.



Just be quiet!!! snapped the officer. …or Im going to let you cool off in jail until the chief gets back.



But officer, I just wanted to say….



And I said KEEP QUIET! Youre going to jail! A few hours later, the officer checked up on his prisoner and said, Lucky for you that the chiefs at his daughters wedding. Hell be in a good mood when he gets back.



Dont count on it, said the man in the cell. Im the groom!

A medical student was in the morgue one day after classes, getting a little practice in before the final exams.

He went over to a table where a body was lying face down. He removed the sheet over the body and to his surprise he found a cork in the corpses rectum. Figuring this was fairly unusual, he pulled the cork out, and to his surprise, music began playing On the road again …Just cant wait to get on the road again …

The student was amazed, and placed the cork back in the rectum. The music stopped. Totally freaked out, the student called the Medical Examiner over to the corpse.

Look at this. This is really something! the student told the examiner as he pulled the cork back out again.

On the road again … Just cant wait to get on the road again …

So what? – the Medical Examiner replied, obviously unimpressed with the students discovery.

But isnt that the most amazing thing youve ever seen? asked the student.

Are you kidding? replied the Examiner, Any asshole can sing country music.

A blind man walks into a shop with his dog. He picks his dog up and starts swinging it around. The shop keeper asks what he is doing the blind man replies just looking around!!!

The famous genius Jara da Cimrman worked in many branches. One of them was Philosophy.

He created a philosophical system called Externism. Its roots are in solipsism.

A solipsist says: The world does not exist. The only real thing is myself. Everything exists only in my mind.

Jara da Cimrman reversed the principle. In his lecture read at the world philosophical congress in Basel, Switherland, he declared: I do not exist. The only thing that is real is the external world (thence externism).

He was severely criticized by many oponents and one of them (Cimrmans traditional rival) thought he could make everybody laugh at Cimrman by saying: If Jara Cimrman states that he does not exist, how is it possible that he formed his philosophy?

Everyone thought that this reasoning cannot be beaten.

But Jara answered in a way that became part of the history of philosophy (so called Basel Reply): When I do not exist, it does not mean that I am not visible by the world!.

Then he took a newspaper out of his pocket and tore the center of it off, saying: There is nothing in the middle, is it? And nevertheless you can see the hole.

A business person once sat behind a small child on an airliner traveling from Chicago to N.Y.

The kid sat with his nose glued to the window as the plane taxied and then took off.

After a couple of minutes in the air, the boy turned to his father and asked, When do we start getting smaller?

How do most men compare to Mel Gibson?

They have everything he has, except for talent, money, and looks.