The
new manager walks into his office and, while settling
into his new desk, finds 4 envelopes. On one he finds
the words open me first, and the other three are numbered
1 to 3.
He opens the first envelope and finds a letter from
his predecessor saying: These three envelopes will
save you a world of trouble. In case of emergency,
please open these envelopes in sequential order; envelope
one first, envelope two second, and envelope three
third.
The manager shrugs, puts the envelopes back, and
forgets about them.
Six months later, the workers go on strike. The company
closes, and is losing money fast.
After a long night negotiating with the union, he
remembers the 3 envelopes. Shoe opens the first one
and it says: Blame me, your predecessor for everything.
Wonderful idea he thinks, and indeed it works and
the crisis comes to its end. His job is saved, and
everybodys happy.
A few month later, another strike hits. He goes to
the drawer and opens the second envelope. It reads,
Blame the government for everything.
It works like a charm, and he breathes a sigh of
relief as his job is, once again, saved.
A month later the workers declare another strike.
The manager goes directly to the third envelope and
it reads, Prepare 4 new envelopes
Cheney gets a call from his boss, W.
Ive got a problem, says W.
Whats the matter? asks Cheney.
Well, you told me to keep busy in the Oval Office, so, I got a jigsaw
puzzle, but its too hard. None of the pieces fit together and I cant
find any edges.
Whats it a picture of? asks Cheney.
A big rooster, replies W.
All right, sighs Cheney, Ill come over and have a look.
So he leaves his office and heads over to the Oval Office. W points at
the jigsaw on his desk.
Cheney looks at the desk and then turns to W and says, For crying out
loud, Georgie – put the corn flakes back in the box.
A blonde and brunette were watching the 6 oclock news. The news was about a man about ready to jump off a bridge.
The brunette turns to the blonde and says, I bet you $50 the man is going to jump.
The blonde replies, Okay youre on. Sure enough, the man jumps, and the blonde gives the brunette $50.
The brunette says, I cant accept this money. I watched the 5 oclock news and saw the man jump then.
No, you have to take it, says the blonde. I watched the 5 oclock news too, but I didnt think he would do it again.
Teen-age girls often have babies fathered by men: The Sunday Oregonian, September 24
Low Wages Said Key to Poverty: Newsday, July 11
Man shoots neighbor with machete: The Miami Herald, July 3
Tomatoes come in big, little, medium sizes: The Daily Progress, Charlottesville, Virginia, March 30
Real newspaper headlinesThese are actual newspaper headlines gathered from papers across the United States and world.
Dirty-Air Cities Far Deadlier Than Clean Ones, Study Shows: The New York Times, March 10
Man Run Over by Freight Train Dies: The Los Angeles Times, March 2
Scientists see quakes in L.A. future: The Oregonian, January 28
Wachtler tells graduates that life in jail is demeaning: The Buffalo News, February 26
Free Advice: Bundle up when out in the cold: Lexington Herald-Leader, January 26
A: Wave to her.
Though the walls of our apartment complex arent particularly thin, the
floors and ceilings act as amplifiers. One night, several months ago, my
wife and I were lying in bed. Noticing the repeated constant sound of a bed
scooting along the floor and a headboard banging against a wall, we became
aware that the occupants of the bedroom directly were doing more than tossing
and turning in their sleep. This went on for some time. Later we described
the event to our friends.
US: For the first five minutes, it was funny and kind of embarrassing that
we could hear them so well.
After about ten minutes, it became really annoying.
After fifteen minutes, it was getting very frustrating because it was
keeping us from going to sleep…
FRIENDS: And then?
US: And then after twenty straight minutes…Okay, after twenty minutes it
was pretty damn impressive.
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
Include Your Children when Baking Cookies
Clinton Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
Stolen Painting Found by Tree
Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years at Checkout Counter
War Dims Hope for Peace
If Strike Isnt Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
International Travellers Bloopers
1. On a French passenger jet: Live West Under Your Seat.
2. In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.
3. In a Belgrade hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk.
4. In an Athens hotel: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 a.m. daily.
5. In a Yugoslav hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.
6. In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
7. In the lobby of a Moscow hotel, across from a Russian monastery: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists and writers are buried daily except Thursday.
8. In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers: Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension (???).
9. In a Swiss mountain inn: Special today: no ice cream.
10. On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
11. Alongside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.
12. Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: English well talking. Here speeching American.
13. At a Bangkok dry cleaners: Drop you trousers here for best results.
14. At a Rhodes tailor shop: Order your summer suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.
15. A sign posted in Germanys Black Forest: It is strictly forbidden on our Black Forest camping site that people of different sex live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.
16. In a Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.
17. In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.
18. In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.
19. At a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.
20. At an Acapulco hotel: The manager has personally passed all the water served here (mmm…).
21. At a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but youll find they are best in the long run.
22. A Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner: Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.
23. From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo: When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage, then tootle him with vigor.
24. In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.
25. In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.
26. On the door of a Moscow hotel room: If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcom to it.
27. In a Tokyo hotel: Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such thing is please not to read notis.
28. In a Leipzig elevator: Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.
29. On the menu of a Polish hotel: Salad a firms own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finder; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country peoples fashion.
What do a bungee jump and hooker have in common?
Theyre both fast, cheap, and if the rubber breaks your dead!