A hillbillys old wife sent him to town to get something to rid the place of moths that had troubled them. The druggist sold him a box of mothballs.
Months later, the hill man came into the drugstore, complaining that: Them mothballs wouldnt work nohow, noway. Marthy and me we aimed carefully, too. But we aint hit a single moth! Maybe you got a bigger size, like one of them pool table balls.
A young country Irish lad is at the local barn dance. He spies in the
distance, a fine looking young lassie (girl!). After building up as much
courage as he can, he saunters over to her and asks her would she like to
dance. She does, so they do. After a few slow dances he looks her straight
in the eye and says, Can I smell your fanny? to which she, not altogether
unsurprisingly replies You certainly can NOT!! He nonchalantly turns to
her and says, Oh, it must be your feet then.
A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of the daughters swollen abdomen.
It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say, Gimme a break, lady! Your daughter is pregnant!
The mother turn red with fury, and she argued with the doctor that *her* daughter was a good girl, and would *never* compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy.
The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon.
The mother became enraged and screamed, Quit looking out the window! Arent you paying attention to me?
Yes, of course I am paying attention, maam. Its just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the east, and three wise men came.
I was hoping theyd show up again, and help me figure out who got your daughter pregnant!
Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud.
The passenger, Bubba, said, Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, its a po-lice roadblock! Were gonna get busted fer drinkin these here beers!!
Dont worry, Bubba, Earl said. Well just pull over and finish drinkin these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat.
What fer? asked Bubba.
Just let me do the talkin, OK? said Earl.
Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on their forehead.
When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, You boys been drinkin? ….
No sir, Earl said. Were on the patch.
Because it was a copycat, and it was copying the chicken.
A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA (Federal Housing Administration) loan for a client. He was told that the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the lawyer three months to track down. After sending the information to FHA, he received the following reply:
Upon review of your letter adjoining your clients loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have cleared the Title to the proposed collateral property only back to the year 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin.
Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows:
Your letter regarding Titles in Case No. 189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have Titles extended further than the 194 years covered by the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property arena, would not know that Louisiana was purchased by the U.S. from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application.
For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain. The land came into possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the then reigning monarch, Isabella.
The good queen, being a pious woman and careful about titles, almost as much as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to fund Columbus expedition.
Now the Pope, as Im sure you know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God. And God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that He also made that part of the world called Louisiana.
I hope you are satisfied. Now, may we please have our damn loan?
Relayed-by: winkeler@owlnet.rice.edu (Keith E. Winkeler)
A similar, classic example of bitter humor is set in Germany during WW2.
Many variations on this joke exist. Sadly, its quite easy
to adapt the joke to many time frames, i.e. the Inquisition, the
Crusades, ad nauseum.
Jewish Schweinhund! bellows the stormtrooper, Who was responsible
for the Fatherlands defeat in 1918 and the chaos which followed?
The Jews, said the old man, and the bicycle riders.
I dont understand. Why the bicycle riders?
Why the Jews?
Because Oct 31 = Dec 25!
Mr. Smith asked his wife for advice about his upcoming court case in which he could possibly win $50,000 from the insurance company.
Honey, if I lie, Ill win the case. But then I would have broken an oath sworn on the Holy Bible.
His wife says, I dont want to advise you to do the wrong thing, but . .
But, what?
Let me put it this way, his wife explained. Treat the prosecuting attorney like I treat you in bed.
Puzzled, Mr. Smith asks, How so?
Mrs. Smith replies, Just lie there til he goes away.
OReillys law of the kitchen: Cleanliness is next to impossible.
Liebermans law: Everybody lies, but it doesnt matter since nobody listens.
Dennistons law: Virtue is its own punishment.
Golds law: If the shoe fits, its ugly.
Conways law: In any organization, there will always be one person who knows what is going on. This person should be fired.
Finsters law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Lynchs law: When the going gets tough, everyone leaves.
Muirs law: When we try to separate anything out by itself, we find it hitched to everything else in the universe.
Glymes formula for success: The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, youve got it made.
Masons first law of synergism: The one day youd sell your birthright for something, birthrights are a glut.
Hanlons razor: Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.
Handy guide to modern science:
If its green or wriggles, its biology.
If it stinks, its chemistry.
If it doesnt work, its physics.
Greens law of debate: Anything is possible if you dont know what youre talking about.
Stewarts law of retroaction: It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
First rule of history: History doesnt repeat itself, historians merely repeat each other.
Olivers law of location: No matter where you go, there you are.
Harrisons postulate: For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
Thanx to John Hilbe.