Old and New Jokes

I was flying from San Francisco to Los Angeles. By the time we took off, there had been a 45-minute delay and everybody on board was ticked. Unexpectedly, we stopped in Sacramento on the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be another 45-minute delay, and if we wanted to get off the aircraft, we would reboard in thirty minutes.

Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. I noticed him as I walked by and could tell he had flown before because his seeing eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight. I could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him and, calling him by name, said, Keith, were in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?

Keith replied, No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs. Would you take him for me please?

Now picture this. All the people in the gate area came to a completely quiet standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a seeing eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses that day. People scattered not only trying to change planes but also trying to change airlines!

Joke found on http://www.ahajokes.com

A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one day. It was very hot. They were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a small lake. Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped into the water. Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their freedom.

As they were crossing an open area, who should come along but a group of ladies from town. Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover.



After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his private



The rabbi replied, I dont know about you, but in MY congregation, its my face they would recognize.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Mae!
Mae who?
Mae be Ill tell you or Mae be I wont!

Young Son: Is it true, Dad? I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesnt know his wife until he marries her?

Dad: That happens in all countries, son.

…and hes a little raunchy. One day Ms. Hill goes, Would anyone like to guess whats red and round? Rodger raises his hand and says,” A red ball. No, its an apple, says Ms. Hill, but I like the way you think. Then she says, Whats orange and round? Rodger says,
An orange ball. No, its an orange, but I like the way you think. Then Rodger says, I got one for you, Ms. Hill. Whats long and pink? Ms. Hill looks stern and says, Rodger, that is unacceptable in my class! Then Rodger says,
Actually, its an eraser, but I like the way you think!

Leaving the wedding reception the honeymoon couple hailed a cab to take them to their romantic boutique hotel in the hills. The driver wasnt too sure how to get there and said he would ask directions when they got closer.

Meanwhile, the lovers couldnt wait and got down to it on the back seat. Seeing a fork in the road the driver said, I take the next turn, right?

No way, get your own, said the groom, this ones all mine.

Una mujer preocupada acude al médico, porque cuando se desnuda se le ponen los pezones rígidos.

Vamos a ver, desnúdese, le solicita el doctor.

La mujer se desnuda y, al quitarse el sujetador, se le ponen los pechos duros y erectos apuntando hacia arriba.

¡No puede ser! Hágalo otra vez, le ordena el galeno.

La mujer repite la operación con idéntico resultado y, viendo la cara de asombro del facultativo, pregunta:

¿Es grave, doctor?

Mostrándole el pene totalmente erecto le reponde:

Grave no sé, pero contagioso…

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Brie!
Brie who?
Brie me my supper!

Hey, do you know the REAL reason the government jails people for theft?

Its because they dont want any competition.

Jaimito está molestando a la niñas tirándoles polvo de tiza.

La maestra lo sorprende y con una mano escondida atrás le pregunta:

Jaimito, ¿por qué no te atreves a echarme polvos a mí?

Pues… porque usted tiene la regla…