Old and New Jokes

A lady approaches a priest and tells him, Father, I have a problem. I bought these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.

What do they say?, the priest asked.

They only know how to say Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some FUN?

Thats terrible, the priest exclaimed, But I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two talking female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots who I have taught to pray and read the Bible, then my parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship.

Thank you. said the lady.

So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priests house. The priests two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.

The lady puts her female talking parrots in with the male talking parrots and the female parrots say, Hi, we are prostitutes Do you want to have some FUN?

One male parrot looks over to the other male parrot and says,

Put the bibles away our prayers have been answered

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Q: How many blondes does it take to make chocolate chip cookies?

A: 30 – 1 to make the batter and 29 to peel the smarties.

A woman hurries home, screeches her car into the driveway, runs into the house, slams the door and shouts at the top of her lungs, Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!!!

The husband says, Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?

Doesnt matter, she says. Just get the hell out!

Praying Parrots

A lady approaches a priest and tells him, Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots, but They only say Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some FUN?

Thats terrible!, the priest exclaimed, Bring your two talking female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots who I have taught to pray and read the Bible, then my parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship.

So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priests house. The priests two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.

The lady puts her female talking parrots in and they say, Hi, we are Prostitutes! Do you want to have some FUN?

One male parrot looks over to the other male parrot and says, PUT THE BIBLES AWAY! OUR PRAYERS HAVE BEEN ANSWERED!!!!!

Hearts and roses and kisses galore…

What the hell is all that shit for?

People get mushy and start acting queer

It is definatley the most annoying day of the year

This day needs to get the hell over with and pass

Before i shove a dozen roses up Cupids ass

Ill spend the day so drunk I cant speak

And wear all black for the rest of the week

Guys act all sweet, but it soon will fade

For all they are doing is trying to get laid

The arrow Cupid shot at me must not have hit

Because I think love is a crock of shit

So heres my story…what else can I say?

Love bites my ass…Poop on Valentines Day!

Q: How many Dune Coons does it take to replace a light bulb?
A: Three – one to hold the bulb and two to turn the stool, but they need a foreign adviser to tell them it was burned out.

Note: I presume a Dune Coon means a 3rd world peasant.)

Era una anciana que tenía un perico y le dice: Si viene el lechero le dices que sí, si viene el periodiquero le dices que sí.

La anciana se va y a los pocos minutos llega el lechero y le dice ¿quieres leche? y el perico le dice que sí, en eso llega el periodiquero y le dice ¿quieres el periodico? y el perico le dice sí, entonces pasa un borrachito y le dice ¿quieres que te pegue unos trancazos?, el perico le dice sí y el borracho le pega hasta cansarse.

A la mañana siguiente la anciana, viendo como estaba de golpeado el pobre perico, le dice: A todos los que vengan les dices que no.

Y bien, llega el lechero y el perico le dice que no, llega el periodiquero y el perico le dice que no. En eso llega el borrachito y le dice ¿te dolieron los trancazos?

Y el perico le dice: NO…

A rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life.



Wow, this is great, he thought. It wasnt long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass.



Hey, he called. Im a rabbit from the laboratory and Ive just escaped. Are you wild rabbits? Yes. Come and join us, they cried. Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good. What else do you wild rabbits do? he asked. Well, one of them said. You see that field there? Its got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them. This, he couldnt resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful.



Later, he asked them again, What else do you do? You see that field there? Its got lettuce growing in it. We eat them as well. The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full. Is there anything else you guys do? he asked.



One of the other rabbits came a bit closer to him and spoke softly. Theres one other thing you must try. You see those rabbits there, he said, pointing to the far corner of the field. Theyre girls. We have sex with them. Go and try it. Well, our friend spent the rest of the morning screwing his little heart out until, completely knackered, he staggered back over to the guys.



That was fantastic, he panted. So are you going to live with us then? one of them asked. Im sorry, I had a great time but I cant. The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. Why? We thought you liked it here.



I do, our friend replied. But I must get back to the laboratory. Im dying for a cigarette.

Many years agao, a Jewish lady named Mrs. Rosenberg was stranded late one night at a fashionable resort on Cape Cod –one that did not admit Jews.

The desk clerk looked down at his book and said, Sorry, no room. The hotel is full.

The Jewish lady said, But your sign says that you have vacancies. The desk clerk stammered and then said curtly, You know that we do not admit Jews. Now if you will try the other side of town…

Mrs. Rosenberg stiffened noticeably and said, Ill have you know, I converted to your religion.

The desk clerk said, Oh, yeah, let me give you a little test.

How was Jesus born?

Mrs. Rosenberg replied, He was born to a virgin named Mary in a little town called Bethlehem.

Very good, replied the hotel clerk. Tell me more.

Mrs. Rosenberg replied, He was born in a manger.

Thats right, said the hotel clerk. And why was he born in a manger?

Mrs. Rosenberg said loudly, Because a jerk like you in the hotel

wouldnt give a Jewish lady a room for the night!