travel faster in all gears, especially reverse.
accelerate at a phenomenal rate.
enjoy a much shorter braking distance.
have a much tighter turning cycle.
can take ramps at three times the speed of private cars.
dont need battery, oil, water or tyre pressures checking.
have floors shaped like an ashtray.
only burn petrol with the highest Green Shield stamp rate.
do not need garaging at night.
can be driven for up to 100 miles with the oil warning light flashing.
need cleaning less often, especially inside.
have stronger suspensions to carry concrete slabs or other heavy building materials.
are adapted to allow reverse gear to be engaged whilst the car is still moving forwards.
have improved tyre walls to allow bumping into and over high kerb stones.
have good adjustable radio volume controls to eliminate unusual and alarming engine noises.
dont need securing. They can be left anywhere unlocked and with the keys in the ignition.
Una monja se dirige a otra:
Hermana, hermana, dÃgame cómo está conformado el pene.
No lo sé, hermana, ¿por qué no le preguntas al padre Juan?
Gracias, hermana, iré a preguntarle al padre.
Al llegar al confesionario, el religioso la recibe:
Ave MarÃa PurÃsima.
No, padre, no vengo a confesarme; sólo le quiero hacer una pregunta…
Dime, hija, ¿cuál es tu pregunta?
Padre, quisiera saber cómo está conformado el pene.
Ven, hija, acércate. Toca, toca, para que lo sientas y tú misma sepas cómo está hecho.
La novicia, ni tarda ni perezosa, lo toca e inmediatamente sale corriendo:
¡Hermana, hermana, el pene es de carne! Yo lo toqué y era de pura carne.
No te creo, hermana, lo mejor será que yo vaya a preguntarle.
Al llegar la segunda religiosa al confesionario, el sacerdote la recibe:
Ave MarÃa PurÃsima.
No, padre, no vengo a confesarme.
¿Entonces a que vienes hermana?
Lo que sucede es que tengo una duda…
Dime, con confianza, ¿cuál es tu duda?
Quisiera saber cómo está hecho el pene, padre.
Ven, hija, acércate. Toca, toca y saldrás de la duda.
La monja se lo toca y sale corriendo:
Hermana, hermana, el pene no es de carne es de cartÃlago; yo misma lo toqué.
Una tercera religiosa que iba pasando escuchó lo del cartÃlago y pregunta:
Hermana, ¿cómo puede ser eso posible, está segura?
SÃ, hermana, es de cartÃlago, se lo juro.
No te creo, hermana. Estás mintiendo, lo mejor será que yo vaya a preguntarle.
Al llegar el sacerdote la recibe:
Ave MarÃa PurÃsima.
No, padre, no vengo a confesarme.
¿Tú también quieres saber de qué está hecho el pene?
SÃ, padre, si no fuera mucha molestia.
No te preocupes, hija, toca, toca con confianza para que resuelvas tu duda.
La monja se lo toca y sale corriendo:
¡Hermanas, hermanas, no es de carne ni tampoco de cartÃlago: es de hueso, de hueso, hermanas, miren, miren, hasta el tuétano me traje!
A 55-year old woman is in a coma in the hospital. She isnt doing well at all. Her family is standing by her, waiting for her to pass away. The woman is now seconds from passing away when she sees a light; and a big tunnel. She floates way up high to the other end of the tunnel where she sees God.
I cant believe Im dead, the woman sadly says.
What?!, says God,Your not dead, you wont die untill your 85.
The woman then floats back down the tunnel. She awakens from her coma with joy and happiness from the family. She thinks, Well, if I dont die for another 15 years, and Im in the hospital right now, I can probably do some stuff that I have always wanted to do.
So, the woman gets her hair colored. She lets it grow long; all the way to the ground. She increases her breast sizes. She also had plastic surgery to get all those horrible wrinkles off her face.
A few days later, the woman is ready to leave the hospital. She leaves the entrance, and as she is walking down the street, a car runs over her and kills her. The 55-year old woman floats once again up the tunnel to God.
When she sees Him, she angrily yells, You told me a had another 15 years to live!
God then replies, I didnt recognize you!
Derrick L. Richards, 28, was charged in April in Minneapolis with
third-degree murder in the death of his beloved cousin, Kenneth E.
Richards. According to police, Derrick suggested a game of Russian
roulette and put a semiautomatic pistol to Kens head instead of a
revolver.
You will be cursed: all your children will look like you.
A man goes into the optician and asks for his eyes to be tested because he suspected short sightedness. The optician took the man outside and pointed to the sky saying Whats that up there?.
The man replied why.. thats the sun…!.
On that the optician said, How far do you want to see sir!
If we learn by our mistakes, some of us are getting one great education!
HOW NOT TO ROB A BANK
Pick The Right Bank:
You dont want to make the same mistake as the fellow in Anaheim, CA, who tried to hold up a bank that was no longer in business and had no money.
Study Your History:
Dont try to stick up the First National Bank of Northfield, Minnesota. Jesse James tried it 111 years ago, and the townsfolk took just seven minutes to kill two and capture three of his gang.
Nobody tried again until 1984, and the customers chased the guy down. Theyre tight with their dollar, those Minnesotans.
Speak To The Right Teller:
One robber in Upland, CA, presented his note to the teller, and her father, who was in the next line, got all bent out of shape about it. He wrestled the guy to the ground and sat on him until
authorities arrived.
Dont Sign Your Demand Note:
Demand notes have been written on the back of a subpoena issued in the name of a bank robber in Pittsburgh… on an envelope bearing the name and address of another in Detroit. And in East
Hartford, Connecticut, on the back of a withdrawal slip giving the robbers signature and account number.
Dont Advertise:
A teenage girl in Los Angeles tried to distract attention from her face by wearing a see-through blouse with no bra while holding up banks.
Go Easy On The Disguise:
One robber, dressed up as a woman with very heavy make-up, ran face first into a glass door. He was the first criminal ever to be positively identified by lip-print.
Take Right Turns Only:
Avoid the sad fate of the thieves in Florida who took a wrong turn into the Homestead Air Force Base, drove up to a military police guardhouse and, thinking it was a tollbooth, offered the security men money.
Be Aware Of The Time:
Imagine the chagrin of the bank robber in Cheshire, Massachusetts, who hit the bank at 4:30 PM, then tried to escape through downtown North Adams, where he was trapped in rush hour traffic
until police arrived.
Consider Another Line Of Work:
Bank robbery is not for everyone. One nervous Newport, RI robber, while trying to stuff his ill-gotten gains into his shirt pocket, shot himself in the head and died instantly.
Be Strong:
Then there was the case of the hopeful criminal in Swansea, Massachusetts, who, when the teller told him she had no money, fainted. He was still unconscious when the police arrived. His getaway car parked nearby had the keys locked inside.
Theres that man, who has a cock 50 cm long. And he cant get fucked, cause no lady can take it that sky-high. Well, hes desperate and the only way out seems the Ookaburra witch. Well, the man decides to seek help from the witch. Entering the dark cottage, a voice speaks: I know why You are here… 3 kilometers east from here there is a swamp. In the middle of the swamp on a stone sits the largest frog on earth. If You get him to answer no to one of Your questions, Your cock will get 10 cm shorter.
Well, in the swamp they meet and after a little thought he asks: Frog, will you marry me? – No
The man goes behind a small tree and checks it out – wow! 10 cm shorter!
Well, surely enough he goes again and asks: Frog, will you marry me? – No!
He goes behind the tree again and looks: only 30 cm long! 20 cm would be just right…
Again, he asks: Frog, will you marry me? – How many times do I have to say – NO!, NO! and once more NO!!!
(Soviet leader Mikhail Gorbachev and Foreign Secretary Eduard Shevardnadze
met on the eve of the recent super-power summit.)
What can we do to impress the Americans? Gorbachev asked
Shevardnadze.
Replied the foreign secretary: Well, we could open the gates of
the Soviet Union for 24 hours.
Dont be crazy, Gorbachev replied. Everybody would go and
it would leave only the two of us sitting here.
Speak for yourself, shot back Shevardnadze.