Old and New Jokes

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Thermos!
Thermos who?
Thermos be a better way!

A man goes to a psychiatrist and says, Doc, my brother’s crazy. He thinks he’s a chicken.

The doctor says, Why don’t you have him committed?

The guy says, We would, but we need the eggs.

When God was creating the human race, he lined up all the males on one side and all the females opposite. Then he asked, Which of your species would like to urinate standing up?

Well, the males went crazy, shouting that they wanted to pee standing up.

Fine, says God, Women get multiple orgasms

An aquarium is just interactive television for cats.

Anything on the ground is a cat toy. Anything not there yet, will be.

At least dogs do what you tell them to do. Cats take a message and get back to you.

Buy a dog a toy and it will play with it for ever. Buy a cat a present and it will play with the wrapper for 10 minutes.

Cats motto: No matter what youve done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it.

Cat rule #2: Bite the hand that wont feed you fast enough.

Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia.

Cats are smarter than dogs. You cant get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.

Cats arent clean, theyre just covered with cat spit.

Cats dont hunt seals. They would if they knew what they were and where to find them. But they dont, so thats all right.

Cats instinctively know the exact moment their owners will wake up. Then they wake them 10 minutes sooner.

Cats know what we feel. They dont care, but they know.

Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want.

Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.

Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God.

I had to get rid of my wife. The cat was allergic.

I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior.

In a cats eye, all things belong to cats.

On the Internet, nobody knows youre a cat.

One cat just leads to another.

People that hate cats will come back as mice in their next life.

Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. True, and they have many other fine qualities as well.

There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats.

When I wash the cat, it takes me hours to get the hair off my tongue.

You can always tell a cat, but you cant tell him much.

Q: How many Supreme Court Justices does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Nine-three to form a plurality, two to concur in part, two to dissent one to concur in part and dissent in part with the plurality opinion, and the last to concur with the dissenters in part.

Un tipo llegó al trabajo todo desanimado, casi arrastrándose y con cara de preocupación. Como era un buen empleado, el jefe lo llamó y le aconsejó:

¿Por qué no haces como yo? Cuando estoy deprimido como tú, me voy a casa, tomo una buena ducha, le hago el amor a mi mujer y de inmediato me siento como nuevo.

El tipo salió dispuesto a seguir el consejo del jefe. Al final de la tarde volvió muy animado.

¿Qué tal? Funciona, ¿no?, le preguntó el jefe.

¡Vaya que sí! ¡Estoy totalmente recuperado! ¡Su esposa es una maravilla!

A man was robbing a house in the middle of the night. All of a sudden, he heard a parrot cry out.
"Jesus is gonna get you." The robber ignored it, and takes the TV. Again, the parrot cries out.
"Jesus is gonna get you." The robber started to get a little worried.
"Whats your name, birdie?"
"Moses."
"What dumbass named you Moses?"
"The same dumbass who called his rottweiler Jesus."

He who laughs, lasts.

Grandma took her grandson Junior to a seance. The medium was supposed to be quite an expert at communicating with the spirits of the recently departed. Soon the medium had everyone quietly, nervously, breathlessly awaiting contact with the spirit world – except Junior.

I wanna talk to my grandpa! he demanded.

The medium and Grandma tried to get him to be quiet, but he insisted. I wanna talk to my grandpa!

Finally, the medium snapped All right, kid, look over there! Theres your grandpa! and with a wave of her hand, a ghostly-looking figure appeared.

Hi, Gramps! called Junior. What are you doing here? You aint dead.

** Whats the difference between God and a lawyer? God doesnt think hes a lawyer.

** Did you hear about the terrorists who took a whole courtroom full of lawyers hostages? They threatened to release one every hour until their demands were met.