Old and New Jokes

You go to the family reunion to pickup women.

Your kid calls you Uncle Daddy.

Youve been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

You think the stock market has a fence around it.

You think a thesaurus was a dinosaur.

You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.

You think that beef jerky and moon pies are two of the major food groups.

You think the space program is fake and pro wrestling is real.

You think the most popular pick-up line is Nice tooth!

Your idea of safe sex doesnt include anyone else.

A recently-married man goes into a drugstore to pick up some things. The clerk greets him….

Clerk: Hey, how did the wedding go?
Man: Well, we got married.
Clerk: Thats good!
Man: No, thats bad. I wasnt wearing any clothes.
Clerk: Oh that is bad!
Man: No, thats good — she didnt care and shes rich.
Clerk: Oh, that is good.
Man: No, thats bad. She wont give me any or spend any of it.
Clerk: Oh, thats bad.
Man: No, thats good: She bought a house.
Clerk: Oh, thats good
Man: No, thats bad — it burned down.
Clerk: Oh that is bad.
Man: No thats good — she was in it!

There was a Jewish gentleman sitting in Central Park one day, and his best friend Saul came up to him and asked him why he read the paper.


You know, Esra, that paper is anti-semitic.


Esra replies, I know, Saul, but I love hearing such good things that come out of this paper. They think Jews control Hollywood, the government, and labor and industry. Its great being a Jew!

Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.

A one-dollar bill (or loonie) met a twenty-dollar bill and said, Hey, where have you been? I havent seen you around here much. The twenty answered, Ive been hanging out at the casinos, went on a cruise and did the rounds of the ship, back to the United States for a while, went to a couple of baseball games, to the mall, that kind of stuff. How about you? The one dollar bill (or loonie) said, You know, same old stuff – church, church, church.

A wheelchair with pedals…
Glow-in-the-dark sunglasses…
A submarine with a screen door…
A helicopter with an ejection seat…
A wooden fireplace…
A fireproof match…
A sliding glass door with a peephole…
And a solar-powered flashlight.

Two daughters had been given parts in a Christmas pageant at their Church. At dinner that night, they got into an argument as to who had the most important role.

Finally the 14 year old said to her 8 year old younger sister, Well, you just ask Mom. Shell tell you its much harder to be a virgin than it is to be an angel!

We Wish You a Happy Halogen

We wish you a happy halogen
We wish you a happy halogen
We wish you a happy halogen
To react with a metal.

Good acid we bring
to you and your base.
We wish you a merry molecule
and a happy halogen.

When God passed out looks,
I thought He said books, and I didnt want any.
When God passed out ears,
I thought He said beers, and I asked for two long ones.
When God passed out legs,
I thought He said kegs, and I asked for two fat ones.
When God passed out noses,
I thought He said roses, and I asked for a big red one.
When God passed out heads,
I thought He said beds, and I asked for a big soft one.
When God passed out brains,
I thought he said trains, and I missed mine.

Doctor, doctor, mi esposa cree que es un refrigerador.

No se preocupe. Ya se le pasará.

Sí, pero mientras tanto yo no puedo pegar un ojo en toda la noche, porque ella duerme con la boca abierta y la luz me da en la cara.