Son:Dad, I have to do a special report for school. Can I ask you a question?
Father: Sure son. Whats the question?
Son: What is politics?
Father: Well, lets take our home for example. I am the wage earner, so lets call me Capitalism. Your mother is the administrator of money, so well call her Government. We take care of your needs, so well call you The People. Well call the maid The Working Class, and your baby brothe we can call The Future.
Do you understand, Son?
Son: Im not really sure, Dad. Ill have to think about it.
That night, awakened by his baby brothers crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parents room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to the maids room, where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boys knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep.
The next morning he reported to his father. Dad, now I think I understand what politics is.
Father: Good son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?
Son: Well Dad, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, Government is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored and the Future is full of shit.
A pastor wanted to be trendy and appeal to the youth. So he decided to preach a sermon which took all of its illustrations from surf boarding. He spent a week preparing the message, and was pretty pleased with the results.
However, his wife was considerably less enthusiastic. On Sunday morning she refused to accompany him to church and said, Merle, if youre gonna preach about surf boarding, Im not gonna sit in the congregation and be embarrassed.
The pastor walked to church and decided that perhaps his wife was right. So he preached a sermon on Christian views of sex – what was and was not appropriate behavior for Christians. Not wanting to admit to his wife that she was right (No husband ever admits his wife was right if he can help it.), the pastor said nothing of his changed sermon.
A couple days later the wife was grocery shopping and met a member of the congregation. The member commented, That was a magnificent sermon that Merle preached last week. I bet he must really be good at it! (lewd wink)
And the pastors wife replied, Not really. Hes only tried it twice. The first time he lost his hat and the second time he got seasick.
Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and hell believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
Why does sour cream have an Expiration date?
Do infants have as much fun in their infancy as adults do in adultery?
What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?
If con is the opposite of pro, then what is the opposite of progress?
Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didnt grow in it?
Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?
Why do we wait until a pig is dead to cure it?
Why do we wash bath towels? Arent we clean when we use them?
Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?
Why doesnt glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IVs as 4s?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word lisp to have an s in it?
What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
Thanx to Giggles Humor List.
Yo mama so dark that she can leave fingerprints on charcoal.
Why is it so hard to tell the truth but so easy to tell a lie?
Why are we so sleepy in church but
Right when the sermon is over we suddenly wake up?
Why is it so hard to talk about God but yet so easy to talk about bad stuff?
Why is it so boring to look at a Christian magazine, yet so easy to look at a dirty one?
Why is it so easy to delete a Godly e-mail but we forward all of the dirty ones?
Why are the churches getting smaller but yet the bars and dance clubs are getting larger?
Do you give up?
Think about it …
Are you going to forward this, or delete it?
To terrify others, forward this to at least 10 people.
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Farley!
Farley who?
Farley the leader!
Ladies and gentlemen, now you can have a bikini for a ridiculous figure.
When you are thirsty, try 7-Up, the refreshing drink in the green bottle with the big 7 on it and the u-p after.
Tune in next week for another series of classical music programs from the Canadian Broadcorping Castration.
Illiterate? Write for free information.
Three old women are talking about their aches, pains and bodily dysfunctions.
One seventy-five year old woman says, I have this problem. I wake up every morning at seven and it takes me twenty minutes to pee.
An eighty year old woman says, My case is worse. I get up at eight and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement.
The ninety year old woman says, At seven I pee like a horse, at eight I crap like a cow.
So whats your problem? asked the others.
I dont wake up until nine.
A truck driver stopped for a meal at and was just served when a huge caravan of Hells Angels roared in. As the gang entered the restraunt, everyone but the truck driver quickly paid thier bills and left. The truck driver quietly sat there eating his steak.
The leader of the Hells Angels marched in and sat by the trucker at the bar, reached over and took his plate and began to eat the steak. Still unruffled, the trucker sat there quietly and drank his coffee. This infuriated the gang leader who grabbed the coffee and poured it on the truckers head. Calmly the trucker wiped his head and walked to the cashier. Amid jears and insults from the gang the trucker paid his bill and left.
When the waitress came to take their order, the gang leader remarked, Boy, that guy wasnt much of a man was he. I stole his steak, called his mother a bitch, and even poured coffee on his head. And the whimp, he just walked away.
The waitress replied, Yea, I guess your right. You really scared him. He must have run over about forty motorcycles trying to get out of the parking lot, but he just kept on going.
Q: How many atheists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. Atheists question whether its really light anyway.