Old and New Jokes

Q: Why does an oboist always have to fight for correct intonation?
A: Because most oboes are full of holes.

Little Johnny and his dad went shopping at the grocery store. Walking down an aisle, Johnny asked his dad if he could have a box of Lucky Charms.

His dad said, Well, Johnny, can you touch your asshole with your dick?

Johnny said, No!!

Johnnys dad said, Well, theres your answer.

Later, Johnny asked if he could have Spagettios.

His dad, again, said, Can you touch your asshole with your dick?

Johnny said,No!!

His dad said, Well, theres your answer.

At the end of the shopping trip, Johnnys dad felt bad about how he had talked to Johnny, so he bought him an instant lottery ticket.

Johnny scratched the ticket and found that he won $1,000!!!

His dad said,Hey, Johnny, you gonna share the money with your old man?

Johnny asked,Dad, can you touch your asshole with your dick?

Johnnys dad said,As a matter of fact, I can!

Johnny said,GOOD, GO FUCK YOURSELF!!

La maestra le pregunta a los niños:

A ver niños ¿qué es la luz? Ajá, Pedrito dime.

Bueno, maestra la luz es una fuente de energía.

Muy bien. ¿Alguien más? Sí, Pepito ¿qué es la luz?

Bueno, maestra la LUZ SE COME.

¿Se come? ¿Cómo es eso? Explícate.

Bueno, maestra, la luz se come porque ayer oí a mi papá diciéndole a mi mamá:

Apaga la luz que hoy te la comes todita.

Marriage is a thing which puts a ring on a womans finger and two under the mans eyes.

Indifference will be the downfall of mankind, but who cares?

There were three guys stuck on an island. On of them found a lamp and rubbed it. Out came a genie. He said for freeing me Ill grant you each a wish.

The first guy said I wish I were 25% smarter. So poof! He was 25% smater built a raft and got off the island.

The nex guy said I wish I were 50% smarter. So poof! He was 50% smater built a canoe and got off the island.

The last guy said I wish I were 100% smarter. So poof! He was 100% turned into a girl and walked across the bridge!!

There was a 80 year-old man that married a 21 year-old woman. A year later the woman had a baby and the doctor came out and told the old man that he was the father of a 9lb 8oz baby boy. The old man replied, “This old motor is still a running.” Next next year his wife had another baby and the doctor came out and told the man that he was the father of a 8lb 5oz baby girl. The old man replied, “This old motor is still a running.” The next year his wife was back in the hospital yet again, having their third child and the doctor came out and told the old man that he was the father of a 10lb 9oz baby boy. The old man replied again, “This old motor is still a running. And the doctor said, “Yeah but you better get your oil changed beacuse this one is black.”

Two Irishmen are sitting in a small town bar, where Mick bragged to Sean, You know, I had me every woman in this town, except of course, me mother and me sister.

Well, Sean replied, between you and me we got em all.

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

83. Eat a bag of marshmellows before you go to bed. The next day, spray three bottles of whip cream all over your floor. Say you got sick.