A brunette goes to the doctor and as she touches each part of her body with her finger she says, Doctor it hurts everywhere. My leg hurts, my arm hurts, my neck hurts, and even my head hurts! The doctor asks, Were you ever a Blonde?
Yes, I was. she replies. Why do you ask?
The doctor answers, because your finger is broken!
13
May
13
May
Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients on the operating table.
The first surgeon says, I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.
The second responds, Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded.
The third surgeon says, No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order.
The fourth surgeon chimes in: You know, I like construction workers…those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would.
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: Youre all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. Theres no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable.
13
May
[ Ive managed to trace the essence of this story back as far as a
professor in the Department of Mathematics and Computer Science at the
University of Denver. ]
A social worker, a minister, and a systems analyst set out one day to
play a friendly game of golf. At the course, they found a long line
waiting to get to the first tee. They asked the party in front of
them what the problem was, and were told that a group of blind golfers
was on the course ahead of them.
The following conversation ensued:
Social Worker: Isnt it wonderful what handicapped people can do if
you just give them half a chance?
Minister: It certainly is, but those golfers arent on the
course alone. The Lord helps those who help
themselves.
Systems Analyst: Yeah, its neat all right, but why the hell cant they
play at night?
13
May
A man was stranded on the proverbial deserted Pacific island for years. Finally one day a boat comes sailing into view, and the man frantically waves and draws the skippers attention. The boat comes near the island and the sailor gets out and greets the stranded man. After awhile the sailor asks, What are those three huts you have here? Well, thats my house there. Whats that next hut? asks the sailor. I built that hut to be my church. What about the other hut? Oh, thats where I used to go to church.
13
May
The Washington Posts Style Invitational asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
- Foreploy:
any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of obtaining sex. - Doltergeist:
a spirit that decides to haunt someplace stupid, such as your septic tank. - Giraffiti:
vandalism spray-painted very, very high, such as the famous Surrender Dorothy on the Beltway overpass. - Sarchasm:
the gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the recipient who doesnt get it. - Impotience:
eager anticipation by men awaiting their Viagra prescription. - Reintarnation:
coming back to life as a hillbilly. - DIOS:
the one true operating system. - Inoculatte:
to take coffee intravenously when you are running late. - Hipatitis:
terminal coolness. - Taterfamilias:
the head of the Potato Head family. - Osteopornosis:
a degenerate disease. - Karmageddon:
Its like, when everybody is sending off all these like really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and its like a serious bummer. - Hindkerchief:
really expensive toilet paper; toilet paper at Buckingham palace. - Deifenestration:
to throw all talk of God out the window. - Acme:
a generic skin disease (alt: the *best* skin disease). - Dopeler effect:
the tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
13
May
The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Gomer, who was not exactly the sharpest knife in the drawer, went in to try out for the job.
Okay, the sheriff drawled, Gomer, what is 1 and 1?
11 he replied.
The sheriff thought to himself, Thats not what I meant, but, in one way, hes right.
What two days of the week start with the letter T?
Today and tomorrow.
He was again surprised that Gomer supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.
Now Gomer, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?
Gomer looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, I dont know.
Well, why dont you go home and work on that one for a while?
So, Gomer wandered over to the barbershop where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. Gomer was exultant. It went great! First day on the job and Im already working on a murder case!
12
May
El judÃo Isaac sufre de un paro cardÃaco, y es llevado a un hospital de emergencia. El doctor al ver que se empieza a asfixiar, ordena:
¡Rápido, rápido, pónganle la mascarilla!
E Isaac responde rápidamente:
¡No no! ¡La más baratilla por favor!
12
May
A 10pm curfew was imposed in Belfast, and everybody had to be off the
streets or risk being shot. However one citizen was shot at 9.45pm.
Why did you do that? the soldier was asked by his superior officer.
I know where he lives, came the reply, and he wouldnt have made it.
12
May
(My cousin forwarded this to me as a true story, I hope Im not remiss by repeating it here:)
Two guys were taking Chemistry at the University of Alabama. They did pretty well on all of the quizzes and the midterms and labs, such that going into the final they had a solid A. These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week (even though the Chemistry final was on Monday), they decided to go up to the University of Tennessee and party with some friends.
They had a great time. However, with hangovers and everything, they overslept all day Sunday and didnt make it back to Alabama until early Monday morning.
Rather than taking the final then, they found their professor after the final to explain to him why they missed the final. They told him that they went up to the University of Tennessee for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back, and didnt have a spare, and couldnt get help for a long time, so they were late in getting back to campus.
The professor thought this over and told them they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were elated and relieved. They studied that night and went in the next day for the final.
The professor placed them in separate rooms, and handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, which was worth 5 Points. It was something simple about Molarity & Solutions.
Cool, they thought. This is going to be easy. They did that problem and then turned the page.
They were not prepared, however, for what they saw on this page.
It said: (95 Points)- Which tire was it?
11
May
Q: How many gay rights activists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None: The bulb shouldnt have to change for society to accept it.