Old and New Jokes

Q: Why does a viola burn longer than a violin?
A: It is usually still in the case.

Once upon a time, there was a magical jungle called Mimbubu.

In this magical jungle there lived a tribe of Amazon Pygmies.

Legend has it that the Mimbubu jungle was inhabited by an evil and deadly bird, the Foo bird.

The tribe tells the story of how the Foo bird stalks its prey while passing unaware through the Mimbubu jungle, and when the unsuspecting victim is least aware, the Foo bird lays a single bird dropping on them.

Now the bird dropping proves no harm, but to the unfortunate victim, removing or brushing off the bird dropping results in instantaneous DEATH!!!

Needless to say, the people of Mimbubu spend their entire lives covered in bird droppings from the Foo bird.

And what, you might ask, is their tribe motto?

If the Foo shits, wear it.

An Eastern newspaper correspondent had just arrived in an old Western town when he noticed a curious lack of women. Walking into the local saloon he asked a local, What do you fellas do around here for entertainment?

Ya mean women? asked the local yokel.

We aint got none. Round here folks fuck sheep.

Thats disgusting, cried the correspondent, Ive never heard of such moral degredation.

However, after a few months, the correspondents rocks were beginning to ache and the sheep were looking more and more attractive. So he finally went out and found himself a comely sheep, brought her back to his room, shampooed her and then tied ribbons in her hair. After a bottle of champagne, he lured the sheep into his bedchamber and released his pent-up frustrations.

Afterward, he escorted his four-legged lover to the saloon for a drink. As the correspondent and his wooly mate entered, a hush fell over the patrons and the anxious couple became the object of many stares.

You goddamn bunch of hypocrites! the reporter yelled. Youve been fucking sheep for years, but when I do it up right you look at me like Im some sort of crazy pervert!

One cowboy in the back of the crowd spoke up, Yeah, but thats the sheriffs gal!

how is a blonde and a pool table alike?

you put in fifty cents and they rack your balls

I was flying from San Francisco to Los Angeles. By the time we took off, there had been a 45-minute delay and everybody on board was ticked. Unexpectedly, we stopped in Sacramento on the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be another 45-minute delay, and if we wanted to get off the aircraft, we would reboard in thirty minutes.

Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. I noticed him as I walked by and could tell he had flown before because his seeing eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight. I could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him and, calling him by name, said, Keith, were in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?

Keith replied, No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs. Would you take him for me please?

Now picture this. All the people in the gate area came to a completely quiet standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a seeing eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses that day. People scattered not only trying to change planes but also trying to change airlines!

Joke found on http://www.ahajokes.com

A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one day. It was very hot. They were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a small lake. Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped into the water. Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their freedom.

As they were crossing an open area, who should come along but a group of ladies from town. Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover.



After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his private



The rabbi replied, I dont know about you, but in MY congregation, its my face they would recognize.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Mae!
Mae who?
Mae be Ill tell you or Mae be I wont!

Young Son: Is it true, Dad? I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesnt know his wife until he marries her?

Dad: That happens in all countries, son.

…and hes a little raunchy. One day Ms. Hill goes, Would anyone like to guess whats red and round? Rodger raises his hand and says,” A red ball. No, its an apple, says Ms. Hill, but I like the way you think. Then she says, Whats orange and round? Rodger says,
An orange ball. No, its an orange, but I like the way you think. Then Rodger says, I got one for you, Ms. Hill. Whats long and pink? Ms. Hill looks stern and says, Rodger, that is unacceptable in my class! Then Rodger says,
Actually, its an eraser, but I like the way you think!

Leaving the wedding reception the honeymoon couple hailed a cab to take them to their romantic boutique hotel in the hills. The driver wasnt too sure how to get there and said he would ask directions when they got closer.

Meanwhile, the lovers couldnt wait and got down to it on the back seat. Seeing a fork in the road the driver said, I take the next turn, right?

No way, get your own, said the groom, this ones all mine.