Old and New Jokes

LIFE UNDER THE SEA

What is life like under the sea? Is it a dogfish eat dogfish world? Is everyone united for a common porpoise? Or do they all split off in their own special groupers? Well, one tragic story indicates its not so perfect down there.

There was once a brilliant sturgeon on the staff of the community health fishility. He was in fact one of its flounders. Wiser than salmon, a fin fellow who would never shrimp from his responsibilities, he was successful and happy and always whistled a happy tuna.

One day one of his patients, a mere whipper snapper, started trouting around telling everyone the sturgeons treatments had made him more eel than he had been and the conked him with a malpractice suit.

Well, the sturgeon was in a real pickeral. The board chased him off the staff and demanded his oyster. But fortunately the case smelt to high heaven so the judge denied the plaintiffs clam.

The board tried to hire the sturgeon back but by then he had hit the bottlenose pretty hard. But whats really shad about the story is that the sturgeon ended up on squid-row…

A seven-year-old horse was entered in a big money race which it proceeded to win by seven lengths. The track manager called the owner and said, Your horse is seven years old and won by seven lengths. Why havent you raced him before? We would have, responded the owner, but we didnt catch up with him until last Tuesday.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Disaster!
Disaster who?
Disaster be my lucky day!

How many men does it take to open a bottle of beer?

None – it should be open when she brings it to you!

These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair.He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to persuade them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying hed be back if they didnt close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

Una mujer y un cura en el confesionario:

Padre, por favor béseme los senos.

Mujer blasfema, esos senos con que das de lactar a tus hijos, ¡10 padres nuestros y diez avemarías!

Al rato, después de rezar las plegarias:

¡Padre, métamelo por la boca, por favor!

¡Mujer inmunda!, con esos labios besas a tus hijos, ¡50 padres nuestros y 50 avemarías!

Padre, yo le rezo todo lo que quiera ¡pero sáqueme el pene del culo que me duele¡

Una maestra llevó a sus alumnos al zoológico; cuando se detuvieron enfrente de la jaula del chango, vieron que éste se metía semillas por el culo antes de comérselas. La maestra, muy enojada, va a reclamarle al director del zoológico:

¡Óigame imbécil, el simio degenerado que tienen se mete las semillas por el culo y luego se las come! ¿Qué no se da cuenta que esa es muy mala imagen para los niños?

Discúlpeme señora, pero si usted estuviera en el lugar del chango haría exactamente lo mismo.

¡Mire tarado, yo no soy así de cochina! ¿Por qué dice que haría lo mismo?

Hace dos meses un grupo de niños vino al zoológico y le tiraron al mono un mango… ¡el pendejo se lo comió entero y después lo tuvimos que operar del culo porque no le podía salir el hueso del mango!

A large two engined train was crossing America. After they had gone some distance one of the engines broke down. No problem, the engineer thought, and carried on at half power.

Farther on down the line, the other engine broke down, and the train came to a standstill.

The engineer decided he should inform the passengers about why the train had stopped, and made the following announcement:

Ladies and gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that both engines have failed, and we will be stuck here for some time. The good news is that you decided to take the train and not fly.

Joke found on http://www.ahajokes.com

The ozone layer or cheese in a spray can…
Dont make me choose.

My 71 year old father just had open heart surgery after experiencing a heart attack. After the surgery, the doctor told him that he couldnt have sex for 3 months.

My dad asked, Do the last two months count?