Old and New Jokes

There was an Englishman an Irishmanand a Scotsman. They all worked on the top of a cliff and the Englishman said, “If Ihave cheese in my sandwich tomorrow Ill jump off this cliff!”

The Irishman said, “If I haveham tomorrow, Ill jump off the cliff!”

The Scotsman said, “If I have jam in mysandwich tomorrow, Ill jump off the cliff!It was the next day, and they all had tojump off as the Englishman had cheese the Irishman had ham and the Scotsman hadjam!&quot A week later, it was the funeral and theScottish lady and the English lady said, &quotWhy didnt they just tell us they didnt like whatwe put in their sandwiches?&quot

And the Irish lady said, “I dont know why my husband jumped offthe cliff he made his own sandwiches!”

Nike now lets you personalize your shoes by submitting a word or phrase
which they will stitch onto your shoes, under the swoosh. So Jonah Peretti
filled out the form and sent them $50 to stitch SWEATSHOP onto his shoes.

Heres the responses he got… let the fun and games with Nike begin.

Subject: RE: Your NIKE iD order o16468000

Your NIKE iD order was cancelled for one or more of the following reasons:

Your Personal iD contains another partys trademark or other
intellectual property
Your Personal iD contains the name of an athlete or team we do not
have the legal right to use
Your Personal iD was left blank. Did you not want any
personalization?
Your Personal iD contains profanity or inappropriate slang, and
besides, your mother would slap us.

If you wish to reorder your NIKE iD product with a new personalization
please visit us again at www.nike.com <http://www.nike.com/>

Thank you, NIKE iD

From: Jonah H. Peretti

To: Personalize, NIKE iD <nikeid_personalize@nike.com>

Subject: RE: Your NIKE iD order o16468000

Greetings,

My order was canceled but my personal NIKE iD does not violate any of the
criteria outlined in your message. The Personal iD on my custom ZOOM XC USA
running shoes was the word sweatshop. Sweatshop is not:

anothers partys trademark,
the name of an athlete,
blank, or
profanity.

I choose the iD because I wanted to remember the toil and labor of the
children that made my shoes. Could you please ship them to me
immediately.

Thanks and Happy New Year, Jonah Peretti

From: Personalize, NIKE iD <nikeid_personalize@nike.com>

To: Jonah H. Peretti

Subject: RE: Your NIKE iD order o16468000

Dear NIKE iD Customer,

Your NIKE iD order was cancelled because the iD you have chosen contains, as
stated in the previous e-mail correspondence, inappropriate slang. If you
wish to reorder your NIKE iD product with a new personalization please visit
us again at nike.com

Thank you, NIKE iD

From: Jonah H. Peretti

To: Personalize, NIKE iD <nikeid_personalize@nike.com>

Subject: RE: Your NIKE iD order o16468000

Dear NIKE iD,

Thank you for your quick response to my inquiry about my custom ZOOM XC USA
running shoes. Although I commend you for your prompt customer service, I
disagree with the claim that my personal iD was inappropriate slang. After
consulting Websters Dictionary, I discovered that sweatshop is in fact
part of standard English, and not slang. The word means: a shop or factory
in which workers are employed for long hours at low wages and under
unhealthy conditions and its origin dates from 1892. So my personal iD does
meet the criteria detailed in your first email.

Your web site advertises that the NIKE iD program is about freedom to
choose and freedom to express who you are. I share Nikes love of freedom
and personal expression. The site also says that If you want it done
right… build it yourself. I was thrilled to be able to build my own
shoes, and my personal iD was offered as a small token of appreciation for
the sweatshop workers poised to help me realize my vision. I hope that you
will value my freedom of expression and reconsider your decision to reject
my order.

Thank you, Jonah Peretti

From: Personalize, NIKE iD <nikeid_personalize@nike.com>

To: Jonah H. Peretti

Subject: RE: Your NIKE iD order o16468000

Dear NIKE iD Customer,

Regarding the rules for personalization it also states on the NIKE iD web
site that Nike reserves the right to cancel any personal iD up to 24 hours
after it has been submitted.

In addition, it further explains: While we honor most personal iDs, we
cannot honor every one. Some may be (or contain) others trademarks, or the
names of certain professional sports teams, athletes or celebrities that
Nike does not have the right to use. Others may contain material that we
consider inappropriate or simply do not want to place on our products.
Unfortunately, at times this obliges us to decline personal iDs that may
otherwise seem unobjectionable. In any event, we will let you know if we
decline your personal iD, and we will offer you the chance to submit
another.

With these rules in mind, we cannot accept your order as submitted. If you
wish to reorder your NIKE iD product with a new personalization please visit
us again at www.nike.com <http://www.nike.com/>

Thank you, NIKE iD

From: Jonah H. Peretti

To: Personalize, NIKE iD <nikeid_personalize@nike.com>

Subject: RE: Your NIKE iD order o16468000

Dear NIKE iD,

Thank you for the time and energy you have spent on my request. I have
decided to order the shoes with a different iD, but I would like to make one
small request. Could you please send me a color snapshot of the ten-year-old
Vietnamese girl who makes my shoes?

Thanks, Jonah Peretti

(No response)

As one forwarder writes:

…this will now go round the world much farther and faster than any of the
adverts they paid Michael Jordan more than the entire wage packet of all
their sweatshop workers in the world to do… I normally avoid making a plea
to pass on these things, but this time I say:

Just do it.

Q: How come a Jack-o-lantern cant have a baby.

A: Because he has a hollow weenie

A man was experiencing chronic infections so he took his urologists advice and entered the hospital for a routine circumcision. When he came to, he was perturbed to see a large group of doctors standing around his hospital bed.

Whats up doc? he asked nervously.

Uh, well … theres been a bit of a mix-up, admitted his surgeon. Im afraid that instead of a circumcision, we performed a sex-change operation on you. You now have a very nice vagina instead of a penis.

What! gasped the patient. You mean Ill never experience another erection?

Oh, Im sure you *will*, reassured the doctor, only itll be somebody elses.

A man with a bad stomach complaint goes to his doctor and asks him what he can do.

The doctor replies that the illness is quite serious but can be cured by inserting a suppository up his anal passage.

The man agrees, and so the doctor warns him of the pain, tells him to bend over and shoves the thing way up his behind.

The doctor then hands him a second dose and tells him to do the same thing in six hours.

So, the man goes home and later that evening tries to get the second suppository inserted, but he finds that he cannot reach himself properly to obtain the required depth.

He calls his wife over and tells her what to do.

The wife nods, puts one hand on his shoulder to steady him and with the other shoves the medicine home. Suddenly the man screams, NOOO..! Whats the matter? asked the wife, Did I hurt you?

No, replies the man, but I just realized that when the doctor did that, he had BOTH hands on my shoulder.

Va un niñito de cuatro años a una tienda y le dice al vendedor:

Señod, ¿me da un condón, pod favod?

El vendedor no puede creer lo que oye y pregunta:

Perdón… ¿qué me pediste?

Y el niñito:

Un condoncito, pod favod.

El hombre atónito le dice:

Pero, ¿para qué quieres tu un condón?

Y el niñito:

Pada amarradme ed zapatito…

A pissed-off cowboy walked into the bar and slammed his fist on the bar.

Ok, he shouted, Whos the son of a bitch that painted my horses balls red?
At the other end, a huge biker stood up, ripped the end of the bar out of the floor and slammed it back down.

He said, I did asshole. What have you got to say about that?

Oh, said the cowboy. I just thought Id let you know… hes ready for his second coat.

Your kids cant go out for Hollween because theres nobody within walking distance to get candy from.

You buy the lot next to your house because you need the room for all your stuff (cars, trucks building materials).

Your idea of new siding on the house is more tar paper.

If you receive an email entitled Bad times, delete it immediately. Do not open it. Apparently this one is pretty nasty. It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer. It demagnetizes the stripes on ALL of your credit cards. It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CDs you attempt to play. It will program your phone auto dial to call only 900 numbers.



This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank. It will drink ALL your beer. FOR GODS SAKE MAN, ARE YOU LISTENING?!!!!!



It will leave dirty socks on the coffee table when you are expecting company. It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all the while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card. It will cause you to run with scissors and throw things in a way that is only fun until someone loses an eye. It will rewrite your backup files, changing all your active verbs to passive tense and incorporating undetectable misspellings that grossly change the interpretations of key sentences.



If the Bad times message is opened in a Windows 95/98 environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub. It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows; it will also refill your skim milk with whole milk.



*WARN AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN*



NB And if you dont send this to 5000 people in 20 seconds youll fart so hard that your right leg will spasm, shoot straight out in front of you, sending sparks that will ignite onto the person nearest you.



Send to everyone.



(In case you are a blonde, this is a joke.)

Santa had asked Banta to help him out with the deck after work,
so Banta just went straight over to Santas place. When they got to
the door, Santa went straight to his wife, gave her a hug and told her how beautiful she was and how much he had missed her at work. When it was time for supper, he complimented his wife on her cooking, kissed her and told her how much he loved her.

Once they were working on the deck, Banta told Santa that he was surprised that he fussed so much over his wife. Santa said that hed started this about 6 months ago, it had revived their marriage, and things couldnt be better. Banta thought hed give it a go. When he got home, he gave his wife a massive hug, kissed her and told her that he loved her.
His wife burst into tears.
Banta was confused and asked why she was crying. She said, This is the worst day of my life. First, little chintu fell off his bike and twisted his ankle. Then, the washing machine broke and flooded the basement. And now, you come home drunk!