While undressing for bed one night, ol Bill notices something like a red rash around his penis.
Alarmed, he thinks, I cant let Hillary see this!, and makes a point of getting to his doctor at Bethesda Naval Hospital, the very next day.
Doc, he says, Ive got this red ring around my, you know. What is it, and how do I get rid of it?
The doctor says, Well, Im not exactly sure what it is, but take these pills for a week, and see if that takes care of it. If not, come back and well try something else.
Bill takes the pills for the week, but unfortunately, the red ring is still there after 7 days. He goes back to his doctor and tells him the pills didnt help.
So the doctor prescribes another medication, capsules this time, and gives him the same instructions. Take them for a week, and come back if its not improved. Bill takes the capsules for a week, and damn, the red ring is still there.
So he goes back to his doctor and asks, What next?
The doctor gives him a cream in a tube this time. Rub this on every day for a week, and let me know.
Bill goes back in a week and says, Great news, doc! The rash is gone! That stuff in the tube was wonderful! What was it?
The doctor replied, Lipstick remover.
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Chester!
Chester who?
Chester the nick of time!
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Berlin!
Berlin who?
Berlin the water for my hard boiled eggs!
A truck driver was going south on I-75, when he came upon a weight station. When he pulled in and got on the scales to be weighed, the scale master told the driver that he was 900lbs. over weight. The truck driver replied, I can take care or that. The scale master asked he how could he fix the problem? The driver said, let me go around back, and Ill fix the overweight problem. The scale master agreed to let him fix his problem. About half an hour later the truck driver got back on the scales, and the scale master said, driver, you are still 900lbs. over weight. The truck driver said, I dont understand what went wrong. I let 50lbs. out of each tire on the rig. After thinking the problem over the scale master said, well 18 tires times 50lbs. would equal 900lbs. I guess my scales must be wrong. Im sorry driver, you may continue on down the road, and have a nice day.
The following sign was posted at a fast food restaurant owned by two blondes: “Parking for drive-through customers only!”
30 Things Never to Say to a Naked Man…
1. Ive smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahhhh, its cute.
3. Why dont we just cuddle?
4. You know they have surgery to fix that.
5. Make it dance.
6. Can I paint a smiley face on it?
7. Wow, and your feet are so big.
8. Its OK, well work around it.
9. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
10. Oh no… a flash headache.
11. (giggle and point)
12. Can I be honest with you?
13. How sweet, you brought incense.
14. This explains your car.
15. Maybe if we water it, itll grow.
16. Why is God punishing me?
17. At least this wont take long.
18. I never saw one like that before.
19. But it still works, right?
20. It looks so unused.
21. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
22. Why dont we skip right to the cigarettes?
23. Are you cold?
24. If you get me real drunk first.
25. Is that an optical illusion?
26. What is that?
27. Its a good thing you have so many other talents.
28. Does it come with an air pump?
29. So this is why youre supposed to judge people on personality.
30. I guess this makes me the early bird.
Three women were sitting around talking about their husbands performances as lovers. The first woman says My Husband works as a marriage counselor. He always buys me flowers and candy before we make love. I like that.
The second woman says, My husband is a motorcycle mechanic. He likes to play rough and slaps me around sometimes. I kinda like that.
The third woman just shakes her head and says, My husband works for Microsoft. He just sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how great its going to be when I get it.
Deck the halls with boughs of non-endangered plant species
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Tis the season to be self-actualizing,
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Don we now our alternate-lifestyle apparel
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Toll the ancient non-denominational-winter-solstice-holiday carol
Fa la la la la, la la la la
See the blazing log of non-denominational-winter-solstice-holiday-non-endangered wood before us,
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Play the harp without unnecessary brutality and join the chorus
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Sing we emotionally stable in a collective group effort,
Fa la la la la la la la la
Heedless of the weather patterns despite the effects of global warming,
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Fast away the mature year passes
Fa la la la la la la la la
Hail the new year without any implicit ageism, ye persons
Fa la la la la la la la la
Dance in a non-hierarchical manner in merry measure,
Fa la la la la la la la la
While I tell of non-materialistic, non-denominational-winter-solstice-holiday treasure,
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.
Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game.
Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.
There was an englishman irishman and a scotsman who worked on a buildin site.
it was time for their dinner so the englishman opened his bait box and said if i get cheese sandwiches tommorrow i will throw myself off that bridge the scotsman and irishman say the same
so the next day comes and the englishman has cheese sandwiches so he jumps off the bridge
the scotsman looks and he also has cheese sandwiches so he jumps off the bridge and the irishman looks and he also has cheese sandwiches so he jumps off the bridge
at the funeral the wives meet up and the englishmans wife says i could of just made him another kind of sandwich the scotsmans wife says i would of got another kind of cheese the irishmans wife says i do not know why he jumped he made his own sandwiches.