31
Jan

Jesus, Are You There?

A drunk stumbles along a Baptismal service on a Sunday afternoon down
by the river. He proceeds to stumble down into the water and stands
next to the Minister. The Minister turns, notices the old drunk and
says, Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?

The drunk looks back and says, Yes sir, I am.

The Minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right
back up.

Have you found Jesus? the Minister asked.

No, I didnt! said the drunk.

The Minister then dunks him under for a quite a bit longer, brings him
up and says, Now brother, have you found Jesus?

No, I did not! said the drunk again.

Disgusted, the Minister holds the man under for at least 30 seconds
this time, brings him up and demands, For the grace of God, have you
found Jesus yet?!

The old drunk wipes his eyes and pleads, Are you sure this is where
he fell in?

31
Jan

Quick thinking

Santa used to work in a saw-mill. He was in hospital after he lost his arm in an accident. Banta was visiting him in the hospital.
Banta: It was really bad that you lost your hand. However thank Wahe Guru that it was your left hand, since you are right handed.

Santa: It is also because of my quick thinking. Actually it was the right hand which was going to be caught in the machine. Then I realised that I am right handed and so switched hands just in time!

30
Jan

Why did the dumb man snort Nutri-sweet?

Q: Why
did the dumb man snort Nutri-sweet?

A: He thought it was diet coke.

30
Jan

British Television

Recently an episode of the LWT series BREAD contained the
following exchange:

Man #1: Well I didnt want Julie to get pregnant and Julie didnt
want to get pregnant!

Man #2: I suppose if you dont want to get wet, you dont go in
the water…

Man #1: But what if you only want to paddle?

Man #2: Then you wear your wellies.

(NB. Wellington Boots are knee-length rubber boots, if cross-culturality
is a problem.)

29
Jan

Really Stupid People

Really Stupid People

Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message Hes lying was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasnt telling the truth. Believing the lie detector was working, the suspect confessed.

29
Jan

Q: How many science

Q: How many science fiction writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to screw in the light bulb, and one to say, In 1876, Jules Verne had the first intimations that electrostatic power was a viable energy alternative. Hitherto, the only sources …

29
Jan

Nails & Blondes

Two blondes were working on a house. The one who was nailing down siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either tossit over her shoulder or nail it in. The other blonde, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, Why are you throwing those nails away?



The first blonde explained, If I pull a nail out of my pouch and its pointed TOWARD me I throw it away cause its defective. If its pointed toward the HOUSE,

then I nail it in!



The second blonde got completely pissed off and yelled, You MORON! The nails pointed toward you arent defective! Theyre for the OTHER side of the house!

29
Jan

Newlyweds

A typical macho man married a typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, laid down the following rules: Ill be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I dont expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you otherwise. Ill go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card playing when I want with my old buddies and dont you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?

His new bride said, No, thats fine with me. Just understand that therell be sex here at seven oclock every night — whether youre here or not.

29
Jan

HeBrew – The Chosen Beer

NEW YORK, Oct. 7 (JTA) — In the beginning there was an idea and it was good: Jewish beer, named HeBrew – The Chosen Beer.

The beginning, for beer developer Jeremy Cowan, was last Chanukah, and it was so good that he sold every bottle of his 100 cases almost as soon as they hit the shelves of the liquor stores, kosher delis and restaurants that carried it in the San Francisco area.

Today Cowan, 28, has contracted with a leading micro-brewery and professional beer distributors in the San Francisco area, and is selling as many cases of the unconventional beer — 500 — in a week as he did during the past nine months.

The beer, whose theme is exile never tasted so good, is available in stores throughout California and in other places by toll-free mail order through The Wine Club.

The centerpiece of the beers brightly colored label is a picture of a Chasidic-looking rabbi looming over a landscape that puts the Golden Gate Bridge right next to a Jerusalem skyline.

Although no beer is kosher for Passover — hops are made from forbidden grain — the labels side panel answers the question: Why is this beer different from all other beers?

As the label explains in a Jewish text-referenced way, the answer is part-Jackie Mason shtick, part-micro-brewing expertise: Our first creation is Genesis Ale.

Barley is one of seven Biblical species that celebrate the bounty of the Land of Milk and Honey (Deut. 8.8), and HeBrew draws a symbolic link to our own Garden of Eden in Northern California. A smidgen of Middle East, a dash of American West.

Cowan shmaltzes it up on the label, which also says, Like your bubbes chicken soup, theres no preservatives (or gefilte fish) added, store cold.

T-shirts, posters, pint glasses and other paraphernalia are available directly through Cowan at his San Francisco-based company, Shmaltz Enterprises.

The beer is certified by a local kashrut agency.

The label also says that 10 percent of the beers profits go to tzedakah, or charity.

Cowan said he has donated beer to Jewish organizations, which have auctioned it off at their fund raisers.

His customer base has been diverse. Last Purim a Chabad house ordered a keg, and skateboard-MTV-type Jewish kids buy it at grocery stores, Cowan said.

Cowan first hit on the idea a decade ago while talking with the only other Jewish student in the high school they attended in Menlo Park, Calif., a suburb about 30 miles south of San Francisco.

A year ago, Cowan talked a small group of his most faithful friends into squeezing the juice out of pomegranates — an early ingredient in the beer that he had to drop when it made government labelling and kosher certification requirements too complicated — in his living room.

In the works is a full line including another beer, to be introduced next summer, coffee drinks, teas and sodas, Cowan said.

I want HeBrew to be like Manischewitz for the next generation, Cowan said, a high-quality product, but with a lot of funk and humor.

29
Jan

Wall street beggar and a businessman

Wall street beggar to businessman: You see sir, my Federal Grant is contingent on my ability to raise matching funds in the private sector.