Old and New Jokes

With the recent problems being encountered by Windows users all across the country, people are begin to ask themselves if windows is a virus. In response to the high demand for an answer to that question a study was done and concluded the following.

1. Viruses replicate quickly.
Windows does this.

2. Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so.
Windows does this.

3. Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk.
Windows does this.

4. Viruses are usually carried, unkown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems.
Windows does that too.

5. Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware.
Same with Windows, yet again.

Maybe Windows really is a virus.

Nope! There is a difference!

Viruses are well supported by their authors, are frequently updated, and tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.So there! Windows is not a virus.

At the time of writing, Microsofts slogan for Windows 95 was Where do you want to go today? These are some alternative and probably more truthful ad slogans for use with Windows.

10. I still miss Windows, but my aim is getting better

The father was very anxious to marry off his only daughter so he wanted to impress her date. Do you like to screw? he asked.

Huh?! replied the surprised first date.

My daughter, she loves to screw and shes good at it. You and her should go screw, explained the father.

Now very interested the boy replied, Yes, sir!!!

Minutes later the girl came down the stairs, kissed her father goodbye and the couple left. After only a few minutes she reappeared, furious, dress torn, hair a mess and screamed, Dammit, Daddy, its the TWIST, get it right!

Women with cold hands would give men prostate exams.

PMS would be a legitimate defense in court.

Men would get reputations for sleeping around.

Singles bars would have metal detectors to weed out men hiding wedding rings in their pockets.

A man would no longer be considered a good catch simply because he is breathing.

Fewer women would be dieting because their ideal weight standard would increase by 20 kg.

Shopping would be considered an aerobic activity.

Men would not be allowed to eat gas-producing foods within two hours of bedtime.

Men would be secretaries for female bosses, working twice as hard for none of the credit.

Little girls would read Snow White and the Seven Hunks.

Men would bring drinks, chips and dips to women watching soap operas.

Men would have to get Playboy for the articles, because there would be no pictures.

Men would learn phrases like: Im sorry, I love you, Sure we can talk. Is now okay?

Men would be judged entirely by their looks, women by their accomplishments.

Men would wonder what WE are thinking.

Men would pay as much attention to their woman as their computer.

Road rage would turn in on oneself.

Men would work on relationships as much as they work on their careers.

Men would divide up chores with women so WOMEN could be horny.

TV news segments on sport would never run longer than one minute.

All men would be forced to spend one month in a PMS simulator.

During mid-life crisis, men would get hot flushes and women would date 19-year-olds.

Overweight men would have their weight brought to their attention constantly.

After a baby is born, men would take six weeks paternity leave to wait on their wives hand and foot.

For basic training, soldiers would have to take care of a two year-old for six weeks.

About a month ago, a man in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess, so he went to his priest, Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWII I hid a refugee in my attic.

Well, answered the priest, thats not a sin.

But I made him agree to pay me 200 Euros for every week he stayed.

I admit that wasnt good, but you did it for a good cause.

Oh, thank you, Father; that eases my mind. He paused for a moment and then said, I have one more question…

What is that, my son?

Do I have to tell him the war is over?

Un hombre fue a ver a su doctor para consultarlo sobre la falta de apetito sexual de su mujer. El doctor le dio una botella de píldoras y le dijo: Antes de que su esposa de duerma, dele un vaso de leche con dos de estas píldoras y verá cómo se pone…

Esa noche, el tipo hace lo que el doctor le recomendó, pero piensa: Por qué ha de tener ella sola toda la diversión, y se toma el resto de las píldoras.

Después de media hora los dos se duermen. De pronto, la mujer se levanta en la cama, golpea a su marido y dice, ¡Querido, querido, levántate! ¡Necesito un hombre ahora mismo!

El marido se sienta en la cama y grita, ¡Yo también, yo también!

A college boy and his girlfriend went out the night before their major exams. Both of them were totally pissed out of their minds when

they got back home. The next day they were so hungover they



missed most of their class. When they finally showed up, their was only 15 min. left in class before papers had to be turned in. They told the professer that their cars tire popped and they couldnt flag down a ride. The professer uh huhed with sympathy and told them they could write the exam the next day. The next day they came in and were sent into different rooms. The cover of the test said, this will determine all I need to know. They opened the test and saw there was only one question. Which tire was it?

A Polar Bear goes into a bar and says, Can I have a gin . . . . . . . . . . . . . . and . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . tonic please?
The barman serves him and says, Why the large pause?
Polar Bear says, Dont know, Ive always had them!

A woman was going to marry one of those guys that wanted a virgin.

Since she was not, she went to a doctor to reconstruct her hymen.

The doctor told her it would cost around $500, but there was

another way that would cost only $50.

The woman agreed to try the cheap way, paid the money, and the

doctor worked on her for several minutes.

After the first night of intimacy, the woman came back to the

doctor and told him that it was perfect. The pain, the blood,

everything was there. And she asked him how he did it.

Simple…I tied your pubic hairs together!

A man holding a parrot came running and screaming into a veterinarians office. The vet immediately brought him into an examining room and carefully examined the parrot, and then said to the man, Im sorry, but this bird is dead.The man began to cry, No! No! That cant be true! I want another opinion.The vet thought a second, then said, Okay, and left for the back office. He returned with a black Labrador retriever. The black Lab sniffed the bird and finally gave a low woof sound and looked up at the vet. The vet said to the man, The dog thinks that the bird is dead too.The man said, I dont believe it! I want another opinion!The vet then left with the black Lab and came back with a cat. He placed the cat on the examination table and the cat walked over to the bird and sniffed and nudged the bird again and again. Finally the cat shrugged its shoulders and walked away from the bird.The vet said, The cat thinks its dead too.The man sighed and said, I guess youre right. How much do I owe you?The vet said, That will be $2,000 please.The horrified man said, Two thousand bucks! Just to tell me my bird is dead? Thats ridiculous! Thats outrageous!The vet then said, Well, I was going to charge you just fifty bucks, but then I had to include the Lab fees and the Cat scan!