Old and New Jokes

Yo mama so stupid she thinks Fleetwood Mac is a new hamburger at McDonalds!

Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an
ambulance.

Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a
skating rink.

Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to
the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people
can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in America… do people order double cheese burgers, large
fries, and a diet Coke.

Only in America… do banks leave both doors to the vault open and
then chain the pens to the counters.

Only in America… do they leave cars worth thousands of dollars
in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Only in America… do they use answering machines to screen calls
and then have call waiting so they wont miss a call from someone they
didnt want to talk to in the first place.

Only in America… do they buy hot dogs in packages of ten and
buns in packages of eight.

Only in America… do they use the word politics to describe the
process so well; Poli in Latin meaning many and tics meaning
bloodsucking creatures.

Only in America… do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille
lettering.

Q: How many accountants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None–just assume its changed.

Q: What did the black baby say to its mother when it had diarrhea?

A: Mommy, Im melting!!!

A plane full of retirees headed for Florida was gripped with fear when the pilot announced, Two of our engines are on fire; we are flying through a heavy fog, and it has eliminated virtually all our visibility.

The passengers were numb with fear, except for one… a semi-retired minister…

Now, now, keep calm, folks he said. Lets all bow our heads and pray.

Immediately, the group bowed their heads to pray… except fellow near the back.

Why arent you bowing your head to pray? the minister asked.

Well, I dont know how to pray, replied the passenger.

Well, just do something religious! piped up another well meaning passenger.

So the man got up and started down the aisle passing his hat…

Yo mama so fat that her senior pictures had to be arial views!

One day two Irishmen were walking past a police station in Dublin,
and as they walked past the notice board they came across a poste:

Pakistani Wanted For Rape

So the first Irishman turned to the other and said These
damned foreigners,they get all the good jobs!

Se encontraba un sujeto en un restaurante. Estaba comiendo cuando, de pronto, se encuentra un pelo en la sopa. Entonces le reclama al mesero:

¡Oiga, ya ni la chinga! ¡Qué clase de servicio tan pésimo hay en este negocio, Necesito hablar con el gerente para quejarme!

Espérese, cálmese, y dígame qué le pasa ¿Por qué está tan molesto?, dice el mesero.

Lo que sucede es que me acabo de encontrar este pelo en la sopa!, contesta iracundo el comensal.

A ver, a ver, está bien. Ese no es ningún problema. ¡Deje se lo quito de la sopa y listo! ¡Por favor, no sea tan delicado!, replica el mesero.

No, sí no es que sea delicado, lo que pasa es que me gusta cada cosa en su momento. A ver, ¿a poco a ti te gustaría estar mamando panocha y que de repente te saliera un espagueti?

Flying saucers are real, the Air Force doesnt exist.

What did the lonely banana say?

Im akela.

What did the green peas say?

Nothing. They just muttered.

What did the potato say when it answered the phone ?

Aaloo?