Old and New Jokes

Earliest Remembrances

• Whats his name?
• How old is he?
• Isnt he the cutest thing?
• Did my lil man lose his blankee?

Early

• Hows School?
• And just who do you think you are?
• Cant you act your age?
• And just what were you doing to the dog with that eggbeater?

Pre-Teen

• What do you mean you dont understand History/English?
• You call that cleaning your room?
• Who told you you could play baseball/basketball?
• How in the world could you lose your homework?

Adolescence

• Why are you failing History/English/French?
• May I see your license and registration please?
• Is any girl worth moping around about? A boy your age!
• How in the world could you lose your wallet/sneakers/hat?

Post Adolescence

• Exactly how long had you planned to stay in college?
• Why in the world would you want to join the Navy?
• Why cant you settle down with a nice girl?
• When will you learn you cant go around saying what you think?

Early Adulthood

• Hows the job?
• Hows the family?
• Are you glad you married me?
• How can you speak to me that way, dont you care?

Adult Years

• Hows the new job?
• Arent you ever going to be satisfied?
• Gee Dad, werent you ever young?
• How can you speak that way to your own son?

The Middle Years

• Hows the new job?
• Hows the new house?
• Do you think Im getting fat/old?
• Dont you realize you embarrass me?

The Present

• So, hows retirement?
• What did the doctor say?
• Is that all youre going to do, play on that computer?
• How in the world could you lose your pills?

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?
The blonde said, How about 50 dollars? The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The mans wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?
The man replied, She should. She was standing on the porch.

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
Youre finished already? he asked. Yes, the blonde answered, and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. And by the way, the blonde added, thats not a Porch, its a Ferrari.

What do Micheal Jackson and Caviar have in common?

They both come on little crackers.

A teacher comes into class and ask the students to tell a story with a moral to it. Little Timmy raises his hand and says my family owns a farm and my father spent a lot of money on new equipment. The crops had a bad year and he had to sell all the new equipment.


The teacher asked him what was the moral of the story?


Timmy answered, dont count your chickens before their hached


very good Timmy said the teacher who would like to go next?


Little Jenny raises her hand and says My father goes to the market early everyday to get fresh milk for breakfast. One day he overslept and all the milk was sold out.


The teacher asked her, and what was the moral of the story?


Jenny answered, The early bird gets the worm.


Very good Jenny said the teacher who would like to go next?


Wendall in the back was raising his hand. Known for inappropiate comments,


the teacher reluctanly called upon him.


what is your story Wendall? said the teacher.


Wendall sits up and says, My Aunt Janet flew planes in the Gulf War and she was shot down in her plane with only her M-16, a knife, and a bottle of whiskey. She drank the bottle of whiskey while going down in the crash, when she got out of her plane she was surrounded by enemies. She took her M-16 and shot them untill she ran out of bullets, then she killed as many as she could with her knife untill the blade broke, and then she killed the rest with her bare hands.


The horrified teacher asked, what could the moral of that story possibly be?!?!?


Wendall looked at the teacher and simply said, You dont fuck with Aunt Janet when shes been drinkin!

A Duke was hunting in the forest with his men-at-arms and servants when he came across a tree. Upon it, archery targets were painted and smack in the middle of each was an arrow.

Who is this incredibly fine archer? cried the duke. I must find him!

After continuing through the forest for a few miles he came across a small boy carrying a bow and arrow. Eventually the boy admitted that it was he who shot the arrows plumb in the center of all the targets.

You didnt just walk up to the targets and hammer the arrows into the

middle, did you? asked the duke worriedly.

No my lord. I shot them from a hundred paces. I swear it by all that I hold holy.

That is truly astonishing, said the duke. I hereby admit you into my service. The boy thanked him profusely.

But I must ask one favor in return, the duke continued.

You must tell me how you came to be such an outstanding shot.

Well, said the boy, first I fire the arrow at the tree…

…and then I paint the target around it.

A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.



Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.



The farmer said, Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya? The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said – Well yeah, if thats what they are, I never heard of circle flies.



So the farmer says- Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, theyre called circle flies because theyre almost always found circling around the back end of a horse.



The trooper says, Oh, and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, Hey—wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horses ass?



The farmer says, Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horses ass. The Trooper says, Well, thats a good thing, and goes back to writing the ticket.



After a long pause, the farmer says, Hard to fool them flies though.

A guy farted oops!

Why did they have to change the name from AIDS to HIV?

All the [ethnics] were tyring to sign up for AIDS.

Salman Rushdie

On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival, my Significant Other in a consenting adult, monogamous relationship gave to me:

TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming,

ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for in their union contract even though they will not be asked to play a note),

TEN melanin deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal ruling class system leaping,

NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression,

EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing milk-products from enslaved Bovine-Americans,

SEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands,

SIX enslaved Fowl-Americans producing stolen non-human animal products,

FIVE golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic incarceration,

(NOTE after members of the Animal Liberation Front threatened to throw red paint at my computer, the calling birds, French hens and partridge have been reintroduced to their native habitat. To avoid further Animal-American enslavement, the remaining gift package has been revised.)

FOUR hours of recorded whale songs

THREE deconstructionist poets

TWO Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses and…

ONE Spotted Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree.

Merry Christmas Happy Chanukah. Good Kwanzaa Oh, heck! Happy Holiday!!!!

* Unless, of course, you are suffering from Seasonally Affected Disorder (SAD). If this be the case, please substitute this gratuitous call for celebration with a suggestion that your have a thoroughly adequate day.