Old and New Jokes

Q: Whats the difference between Bill Clinton and David Koresh?
A: Some people still believe in David Koresh.

Q: How many Borg will it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, they just assimilate the bulb.

Some men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the men walked in the office and said, We need some four-by-twos.



The clerk said, You mean two-by-fours, dont you?



The man said, Ill go check, and went back to the truck. He returned in a minute and said, Yeah, I meant two-by-fours.



Alright. How long do you need them?



The customer paused for a minute and said, Id better go check. After awhile, the customer returned to the office and said, A long time. Were gonna build a house.

Scientists at NASA have developed a gun built specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity.The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshield of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made. But when the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurtled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, crashed through the control console, snapped the engineers backrest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin. Horrified Britons sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield, and begged the U.S. scientists for suggestions.NASAs response was just three words, "Thaw the chicken."

Three rabbis are standing around schmoosing when one of them says, Weve got a terrible problem with mice in the basement of the shul. Traps, cheese. Nothing works.

The second rabbi says, Same thing with us. We tried it all. Still we have mice.

The third rabbi says, We had the very same problem—but not anymore! Now the other two rabbis are interested. How did you do it?

It was easy. I went down in the basement, gathered all the mice together and performed a mass bar mitzvah. And we havent seen any of them since!

My wife brought this home. I added a few.

Researchers say theyve discovered a tree extract that could help to prevent herpes…

Must be a rubber tree…

You might be a redneck if…
Your best ashtray is a turtle shell.

Network – Scoopn up a big fish before it breaks the line.

Online – Where to stay when taking the sobriety test.

Rom – Where the pope lives.

Dos asaltantes van a entrar a asaltar un banco y, justo en la entrada del banco, se dan cuenta que olvidaron sus mascaras; así que uno le dice al otro:

Juan, ¿ahora qué haremos?

Mira Javier, yo tengo aquí un par de condones, ¿qué tal si los usamos?

Javier aceptó y, sin pensarlo dos veces, ambos se colocaron los preservativos en la cabeza y entraron a asaltar el banco…

Al día siguiente, el titular del diario local decía:

DOS CARA DE VERGAS ATRACARON EL BANCO