Old and New Jokes

Q: Why are there lip stick stains on the steering wheel after a
blonde drives a car?

A: Cause she blows the horn!

A chicken and a horse were playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him to safety. The chicken runs to the farmer but the farmer cannot be found. So she drives the farmers BMW back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. She then throws the other end of the rope to her friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking.

A few days later the chicken and the horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, No, I think I can stand over the hole. So he stretched his legs over the width of the hole and said, grab for my thingy and pull yourself up. So the chicken grabbed hold of the horses thingy and pulled herself to safety.

The moral of the story: If youre hung like a horse, you dont need a BMW to pick up chicks!

*Stand on top of the high board and say you wont come down until your demands are met.

*Tell the lifeguards that they arent doing their jobs because you have seen at least 15 people drown today.

*Ask people if they have seen your pet shark.

*Sit in the baby pool and play with the toys.

*Take a flutter board and pretend you cant swim.

*Hit strangers with your flutter board.

*Ask an attractive lifeguard to practise CPR on you.

*Sit in front of a water jet, make moaning sounds and say, Oh yeah… oooh that feels soooo good….

*Sit on the top of the water slide and dont move.

*Swim near a stranger and go Dammit I knew I shouldnt have had watermelon before I came here.

*Insist that you saw a monster at the bottom of the pool.

*Pretend to drown and then when someone tries to help you, say HA-HA, fooled you!
*Scream as someone is trying to do something when jumping off of a diving board.
*Laugh at fat people in swimsuits.

*Tell people you saw the lifeguard pissing in the pool.

*Ask a lifeguard if skinny-dipping is allowed.

*Try to negotiate the price of getting in.

*Take a really long time when you are on top of the high dive and then act as though you were pushed off.

*When in line, ask strangers if they think invisble people get a discount.

*Take your towel, tie it around your shoulders and say Wheee! Im Batman! while running around.

*Hit strangers with your wet towel.

*Throw peoples things into the pool.

*Sing and dance on top of the dinving board, then do a belly-flop as your grande-finale. *Play Marco-Polo by yourself.

*Ask small children if they have seen any suspicious-looking sea monsters lately.

A farmer in the country noticed that a gentleman would fish
at the lake (close to the farmers house) and would always
leave with a stringer full of fish. The fellow had a boat
but a fishing pole was not to be seen. The farmer mentioned
the situation to the lake ranger. The ranger then started
watching this man and all that the farmer said was true! The
man would arrive at the lake in the morning and by early
afternoon, he had a stringer full of fish. The ranger dressed
like a fisherman one day and approached the man. They exchanged
pleasantries and the stranger asked the ranger in disguise to
come fish with him. They boated for 45 minutes and arrived at
a secluded spot. The stranger then pulled out a stick of dynamite.

Ranger: Im going to have to place you under arrest–I am
a Ranger and you are fishing illegally!

The stranger calmly lit the stick of dynamite and handed it to
the ranger.

Stranger: Are you gonna talk or fish?

Q: How many Germans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. They assign the task to a gastarbeiter.

If you have to throw up, get into a chair quickly. If you cannot manage this in time, get to an Oriental rug. Shag is good. Determine quickly which guest hates cats. Sit on that lap during the evening. He wont dare push you off and will even call you nice kitty. If you can arrange to have cat food on your breath, so much the better. For sitting on laps or rubbing against trouser legs, select colors which contrast with your own. Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare. For guests who say, I love kitties, be ready with aloof distain, claws applied to stockings or a quick nip on the ankles. Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get one open, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once the door is opened for you, it is not necessary to use it. You can change your mind. When you have ordered an outside door opened, stand half in and half out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather or mosquito season. If one person is busy and the other is idle, sit with the busy one. For book readers, get in close under the chin, unless you can lie across the book itself. For ladies knitting, curl quietly into lap and pretend to doze. Then reach out and slap knitting needles sharply. This is what she calls a dropped stitch. She will try to distract you. Ignore it. For people doing homework, sit on the paper being worked on. After being removed for the second time, push anything movable off the table — pens, pencils, stamps — one at a time. Get enough sleep during the daytime so that you are fresh for playing at night between 2 and 4 a.m.

I will not play tug-of-war with Dads underwear when hes on the toilet.

The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.

I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when Im lying under the coffee table.

I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.
I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house.
I will not eat the cats food, before or after they eat it.

I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in
the house when I am about to throw up.

I will not throw up in the car.
I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.
Kitty box crunchies are not food.

I will not eat any more socks and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing.

The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
I will not wake Mommy up with my cold, wet nose on her bottom.
I will not chew my humans toothbrush and not tell them.

When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when its raining outside.

We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.
I will not steal my Moms underwear and dance all over the back yard with it.
The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom & Dads laps.
My head does not belong in the refrigerator.

I will not bite the officers hand when he reaches in for Moms drivers license and car registration.

Q: How many copyeditors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: The last time this question was asked, it involved art directors. Is the difference intentional? Should one or the other instance be changed? It seems inconsistent.

Estaban dos norteños en un pueblo de Sinaloa, en un billar jugando pool.

Entonces uno de ellos le dice al otro, con tono norteño:

Oye compadre, se me hace que yo tengo el pene más grande que tú.

Y le contesta el otro: No jodas compadre, hasta ahorita no hay quien la tenga más grande que yo en todo el pueblo.

Y su compadre le dice: ¿qué tal si las ponemos en la mesa de billar para medirlas?

Y así lo hicieron. Al ver eso los otros parroquianos dijeron:

¡Miren. hay competencia en la mesa 2!, y enseguida todos se la sacaron y las pusieron sobre la mesa.

En eso entran dos maricones al billar, y al ver eso uno de ellos, en seguida le dice al otro:

¡Apurate manita que hay buffet en la mesa 2!

The final list of things you hate about working at Mickey Ds…


here we go

People who cant turn off their big ass V8 engine when the pull up into the drive thru……we CANT hear you.

People who ask for fresh food, and complain about having to wait.

People who ask for a drink we dont have. Theres a friggin board people, use it!

People who ask if dollar menu items are still on the dollar menu. The dollar menu is the bright red menu in the middle, you tell me…

People who order supersize meals, and ask for a diet drink. Whats the purpose of this?

People who let their kids order in the drive thru. Seriously, these brats dont talk loud enough, and have no clue what they want.

People who actually collect our happy meal toys, and pester you about which ones we have.

People who pull off before you can give them their change.

People who pull off, forgetting their food, and blame you for not giving it to them.

People who cant understand that our shake machine is DOWN!

People who dont believe us when we run out of anything.

People who hang out for hours on end in the lobby without a good reason. Get the hell out and stop loitering.

People who leave beer cans in the parking lot, among other things, and dont care, knowing Ill have to clean that shit up.

People who start fights in the store. I dont wanna get in the middle of that shit, but Ill end up there.

People who bring in food, after waiting more than an hour, and complaining because its cold.

People who say something was nasty, and they want a replacement, but their dumb ass has already ate it.

People who ask how long its going to take for some fresher fries. Im starting to tell them at least 10 minutes.

People who ask us for something, as if were going to say no. Come on retards.

People who dont understand these things I hate about Mickey Ds at all.

And most of all, all customers that come to McDonalds. Thank you for in some way, making my job the most miserable thing in life.