Old and New Jokes

El médico a su paciente:

Bueno, amigo, lamento decirle que le quedan a usted tres minutos de vida…

¡Tres minutos, doctor, es que no me puede usted hacer nada!

Si quiere le puedo hacer un huevo cocido…

Democrats announced today they are changing their emblem from a donkey to a condom because it more clearly reflects their partys political stance.



A condom stands up to inflation, halts production, discourages cooperation, protects a bunch of dicks and gives a sense of security while screwing others.

Thirty years ago, when the Air Force needed a large cargo plane, it
put out a list of specifications that took up less than 8 pages.
Lockheed responded with a proposal 3/4 thick, which resulted in
a huge plane named the Hercules. In 1980, when the Air Force needed
a new cargo plane, it issued specifications that took up 2,750 pages.
Lockheeds proposal alone weighed 6,600 pounds. To deliver it, the
company used one of the old Hercules cargo planes.

– John Tierney, in Science 85

A farmer goes to the industry with two fruits that he invented. The farmer gives the man one of the fruits and he tastes peach on the other side there is apple. Thefarmer told him to try the other one. The guy said, It tastes like shit. The farmer said, Turn it over…

Mr. Weissenblat, a middle-aged meek Jew, is on a plane for Israel, in a window
seat. Just before take-off, this HUGE Arab wearing a beautiful gaudy multi-
coloured gown walks up and sits down beside him. A few minutes later, the
plane takes off.

All is well. For a while. But then, Mr. Weissenblat realizes that he has to go
to the washroom. That wouldnt be a problem, but he looks over and notices that
the Arab beside him is sound asleep, and Mr. Weissenblat, being a meek man is
afraid to disturb him. So he figures hell hold it in till the Arab wakes up.

But as luck would have it, the Arab just keeps snoring away, and Mr. Weiseenbalt
is feeling increasingly more uncomfortable. After a while, he starts to feel
nauseous as well, what from holding it in combined with the plane ride. He
tries and tries to hold it in, but then AAARRGGHH!!–he throws up all over
the Arab and his beautiful garment. He thinks, Oh, no! Now hes gonna kill
me! and sits there in apprehension waiting for the Arab to wake up.

Finally, the Arab wakes up, and finds all this vomit all over him.
Mr. Weissenblat says to him, Well, do you fell better now?

It is not Lettermans – but hey I think I did a good job?

From the Home Office in Larchmont, NY the Top Ten Things Overheard in the Presidential Box During the College Basketball Finals:

Oh, so you are saying that I should be rooting for the team in white?
Can we get some burgers and fries up here?
Sir, there are not enough people in this booth to do a wave
Actually, I have NO chance of re-election no matter who wins the game.
I cant believe the shorts that these players are wearing; they should have stylish and practical shorts, like the ones that I jog in.
I hope this doesnt go into overtime – I have Gennifer back in the White House – after all Hillary is away for a few days.
IT just dawned on my, if Arkansas wins I have to bring all these hicks to the white house – GO DUKE!!!!
No Sir I dont think Arkansas needs you to play defense for them.
I cant believe that it is our job to defend a guy like this.

And the Number One thing Overheard in the Presidential Box during the College Basketball Finals:

Hey Guys do you think that if Arkansas wins Hillary will let me run the country for a day?

Hope you enjoyed it

— Nigel @ Connecticut College

Q: How many Arians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None: Arians arent afraid of the dark.

Q: What is the blondes chronic speech impediment?

A: She cant say No.

Why do Indians get offended whenever they go to WalMart?

Because on the back of the workers vests it says HOW may I help you.

Q: How many executives does it take to change a light bulb?
A: A roomful – they have to hold a meeting to discuss all the ramifications of the change.