Old and New Jokes

A farmer and his wife went to a fair. The farmer was fascinated by the airplanes and asked a pilot how much a ride would cost.

$10 for 3 minutes, replied the pilot.



Thats too much, said the farmer.



The pilot thought for a second and then said, Ill make you a deal. If you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without uttering a sound, the ride will be free. But if you make a sound, youll have to pay $10.



The farmer and his wife agreed and went for a wild ride. After they landed, the pilot said to the farmer, I want to congratulate you for not making a sound. You are a brave man.



Maybe so, said the farmer, But I gotta tell ya, I almost screamed when my wife fell out.

Dateline – Silver Dale, Pennsylvania: A fed-up school principal sent home angry letters after spotting five girls breaking the school dress code by wearing thong underwear. In the letter he explained that, If I hadnt accidently dropped my pen five times, I would have never known!

A note left for a pianist from his wife: Gone Chopin, (I have the Liszt), be Bach in a Minuet.

A computer was something on TV From a science-fiction show of note
A window was something you hated to clean
And ram was the cousin of a goat Meg was the name of my girlfriend
And gig was a job for the nights
Now they all mean different things And that really mega bytes. An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano. Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3-in. floppy
You hoped nobody found out. Compress was something you did to the garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
Youd be in jail for a while. Log on was adding wood to the fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode. Cut you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spiders home
And a virus was the flu. I guess Ill stick to my pad and paper And the memory in my head I hear nobodys been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead.

This couple happened to be driving through the State Park when they past a sign stating Dont feed the animals.

while driving alittle further they happen upon another sign stating Dont touch the animals.

While proceeding alittle further they happen across another sign stating Dont kill the animals.

Just then a thumping occurs under the car. They stop and the husband gets out to see that they have run down a skunk. As he peers up, he sees a park policeman on patrol heading towards them and grabs the skunk, throwing it in on his wifes lap. He jumps back into the car and his wife screams at him What am I suppose to do with this?

Put it under your dress, he says.

But it stinks, she replys.

Well plug its nose, he says.

A girl goes on a blind date.



The blind date hadnt been all that great, and she was relieved the evening was finally over.



At her apartment door, her date suddenly said, Hey! You wanna see my underwear?



Before she could respond, he had dropped his pants, right there in the hall, revealing that he wasnt wearing any underwear.



She glanced down and said, Nice design – does it also come in mens sizes?

Any issue worth debating is worth avoiding altogether.

I did not kill my lovely wife.
I did not slash her with a knife.
I did not bonk her on the head.
I did not know that she was dead.
I stayed at home that fateful night.
I took a cab, then took a flight.
The bag I had was just for me.
My bag! My bag! Hey, leave it be.
When I came home I had a gash.
My hand was cut from broken glass.
I cut my hand on broken glass.
A broken glass did cause that gash.
I have nothing, nothing to hide.
My friend, he took me for a ride.
Did you take this persons life?
Did you do it with a knife?
I did not do it with a knife.
I did not, could not kill my wife.
I did not do this awful crime.
I could not, would not anytime.
Did you hit her from above?
Did you drop this bloody glove?
I did not hit her from above.
I cannot even wear that glove.
I did not do it with a knife.
I did not, could not kill my wife.
I did not do this awful crime.
I could not, would not, not anytime.
And now Im free, I can return
To my house for which I yearn.
And to my family whom I love.
Hey now Im free — Give back my glove!!

PlateICNCYDU
MeaningI see inside you, a radiologists plate

PlateCYIMBRK
MeaningSee Why Im broke, found on a cherry 95 ford 3/4 ton truck

PlateOH2B39
MeaningA woman in her early 50s has had this plate for about the last ten years

PlateYURNEXT
MeaningOn the car of an undertaker

Plate1DFOAL
MeaningWonderful (On a Ford Mustang. Get it? Foal as in baby horse)

Plate4SAFETY
MeaningOn a Volvo, what else?

Plate9MPGWOW
Meaning9 Miles Per Gallon, Wow! On a 1966 Cadillac Sedan DeVille

PlateAV8RX
MeaningAviatrix (female pilot)

PlateKPASAMDK
Meaning(Que) Pasa MD [Whats up Doc?]

PlateTOOLONG
MeaningOn a Lincoln super-long limo owned by Super Limousine, Seattle, WA.

PlateW8N4FRI
MeaningWaitin for Friday…join the club!

PlateWNDWS95
MeaningWindows 95, On a customized 95 Chevy Astro Van

PlateXKWIZIT
MeaningExquisite, on a 56 speedster

PlateZMEGOBYU
MeaningSee me go by you!

PlateCME4AD8
MeaningSee me for a date

PlateCME4DK
MeaningSee me for decay, on a dentists car

Two buddies were walking down the warf one day.Jack asked Joe what is 99+347.Well Joe said,thats easy boy,thats 446.Joe boy your getting some smart Jack said.Well Jack I been eating smart pills.You got anymore Joe.Yes I got More.So then Joe puts his hand down the ass of his pants and takes one out and gives it to jack.Then Jacks says my Joe,this tastes like shit.Joe says well Jack,your getting smarter already.