Old and New Jokes

There was this very delicate, proper and elegant woman who was planning a family camping vacation in Florida. She wrote to a campground for a reservation.

This woman abhorred what campgrounds refer to as pit toilets (known in West Virginia as outhouses) and wanted to know if the area had bathhouses with flush toilets. She didnt want to write toilet.

Campground guides and brochures use abbreviations for camping facilities and the woman remembered something about B.C. which, she recalled, meant bathroom commode. So, in her letter, she wanted to know if the camping facility had a B.C.

The campground owner was unfamiliar with B.C. He showed the letter to several people. Most were baffled. One knowledgeable camper, however, said he knew what it was. She was referring to a Baptist church. So the campground owner sent the following letter:

Dear Madam,

A B.C. is located 9 miles north of the campground and is capable of seating 250 people at one time. It is located in a beautiful pine grove and is opened on Sundays and Wednesdays.

If you decide to come to our campground, perhaps I could go with you the first time you go, sit with you and introduce you to all the other folks. We are a friendly community.

Theres this guy and he lives in the second largest state in America, which is California, and he wants to live in the largest state of America which is Alaska.

So he goes there for a few weeks and decides he wants to become a fully-fledged Alskan, so he goes in this pub to ask a bar man what he has to do to become a fully fledged Alaskan.

The barnabs says First you drink this liter of whisky, then youve got to kill a bear, and find a woman and rape her.

The guy gets confused, so he asked the barman to repeat it.

He comes back a week later beaten to shit.

What happened to you? said the barman.

Im nearly a fully fledged alaskan, all I gotta do now is kill a woman!

Un mango se desprendió del árbol que lo sostenía desde que dejó de ser flor. Todos los mangos que estaban en el árbol se empezaron a reír del fruto que cayó al suelo. Éste se sacudió su esbelta forma y miró hacia arriba y les gritó a sus compañeros:

¡Inmaduros!

When Nuns are admitted to heaven they go through a special gate and are expected to make one last confession before becoming angels. Several nuns are lined up at this gate waiting to be absolved of their last sins before they are made holy.

And so, says St. Peter, have you ever had any contact with a penis?

Well, says the first nun in line, I did once just touch the tip of one with the tip of my finger.

OK says St. Peter, Dip your finger in the holy water and pass on to heaven.

The next nun admits that well, yes, I did once get carried away and I, You know, sort of massaged one a bit.

OK says St. Peter, Rinse your hand in the holy water and pass into heaven.

Suddenly there is some jostling in the line and one of the nuns is trying to cut in front. Well now, whats going on here? says St. Peter.

Well, your excellency, says the nun who is trying to improve her potion in line, If Im going to have to gargle that stuff, I want to do it before Sister Mary Thomas sticks her ass in it.

How much sin can I get away with? 🙂

RAINY

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain

Three guys found themselves in Hell: Bob, Dave, and Seth. A little confused at their present situation, they were startled to see a door in the wall open, and behind the door was perhaps the ugliest woman they had ever seen. She was 34, dirty, and you could smell her even over the Brimstone.

The voice of the Devil was heard, Bob, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman! And Bob was whisked through the door by a group of lesser demons to his torment.

This understandably shook up the other two, and so they both jumped when a second door opened, and they saw an even more disgusting example of womanhood gone wrong. She was over 7 tall, monstrous, covered in thick black hair, and flies circled her.

The voice of the Devil was heard, Dave, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman! And Dave, like Bob, was whisked off.

Seth, now alone, felt understandably anxious, and feared the worst when the third door opened. And as the door inched open, he strained to see the figure of … Cindy Crawford! Delighted, Seth jumped up, taking in the sight of this beautiful woman, barely dressed in a skimpy bikini.

Then he heard the voice of the Devil saying: Cindy, you have sinned…

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Donovan!
Donovan who?
Donovan know your own name!

(The PBS American Masters series did a show on Mort Sahl, who had
these anecdotes about Alexander Haig:)

Haig offered Sahl a Cuban cigar, whereupon Sahl wondered how an
anti-communist such as Haig could be supporting Cuba by smoking their
cigars. Haig replied that he preferred to think of it as burning their
crops to the ground.

Sahl and Haig were discussing Henry Kissinger. Sahl mentioned that, of
course, Kissinger could not be the US President since he was not born
in the US. Haig said, no, thats a common misconception, Kissinger was
born in the US. How did he get that accent? asked Sahl. Haig
replied, From never listening to anybody.

A couple of blonde men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard.

One of the blonde men walked in the office and said, We need some four-by-twos.

The clerk said, You mean two-by-fours, dont you?

The man said, Ill go check, and went back to the truck. He returned a minute later and said, Yeah, I meant two-by-fours.

Alright. How long do you need them?

The blonde paused for a minute and said, Id better go check. After awhile, he returned to the office and said, A long time. Were gonna build a house.